Gilmore Girls Fanfic Jess & Rory: Turn Away
by jessandrorymariano
Summary: "it's what it is. you. me." "what it's always been." "except we're different people now, so maybe the you and the me that we once were aren't who we are anymore but maybe that's okay. good, even." / please read author's note at the beginning! enjoy(:
1. Chapter 1

**_TURN AWAY_**

 _just a lil author's note: each chapter switches from jess to rory's perspective and varies in length, the longest one is the first, which is a flashback of jess's, set like a week after the finale episode left off since i really wanted to write luke & lorelei's wedding(: and then the rest of the story is set five years from then(: i've included as many supporting characters as i can, like Kirkand Babette, ect and referenced quips from the show, like how luke always wanted lobster at his wedding to lorelei, ect(: so have fun spotting them and please let me know what you think! can't wait for feedback. okay, ily_

 **CHAPTER ONE / JESS**

The last time I saw her was at my uncle's wedding. She was her mother's bridesmaid and she looked beautiful. She took my breath away and watching her walk down the aisle with me standing by Luke at the end, I could almost trick myself into thinking she was walking to me. I didn't tear my eyes away or drop my head down, even though I probably should've done both. It was clear she could read my mind, but the funny thing is; I could've sworn she was thinking the same as me, as though this was us starting our life together. But _no._ Instead, Lorelei follows her daughter, carrying a bouquet of daises and with her father, Richard Gilmore on her arm.

Luke and Lorelei said their vows and she kept her eyes on her mother's face the whole time, only once anxiously throwing a glance out to the audience filling the alter. We were outside - it seems everyone's weddings are outside here, must just be the Stars Hollow way - and everyone was sitting in fold out chairs, and when we'd ran out of those, Luke, TJ and I had fetched his diner chairs.

Every Tom, Dick and Harry was out for the occasion or I guess you could say, every Taylor Doosey, Kirk and Miss Patty. Babette stood proudly as a bridesmaid beside Rory who had Sookie on her other side. Much like practically every resident in Stars Hollow, the pride and pure ecstasy at Lorelei and Luke's decision to marry, radiated in waves off Babette.

The atmosphere was palpable with years of built up anticipation. After the ceremony, we all went back to the Dragonfly for the reception, which was indoors. To say the Dragonfly inn was packed is the biggest understatement.

We hadn't seen each other before the ceremony since she got ready with Lorelei and I helped Luke prepare and for obvious reasons, they weren't allowed to be within any feet of each other, meaning neither were we.

So up until now, we hadn't found the time to talk. I was waiting for an opportunity to present itself. The old me probably would've just made an opportunity arise of my own making but I hadn't been that troublesome edgy rebel kid for more than half a decade now. He was my past, and I still hoped, after all we'd been through, that Rory would be my future.

Well, y'know how I said I wasn't going to cause a scene and steal Rory away? It turned out I didn't have to, since there was somebody else willing to take the reins, who ordinarily wouldn't have — _Rory_. Everybody was still milling around and socialising, before sitting down to eat and Luke and Lorelei weren't back yet from pictures in the town square and gazebo. And then just like that, it happened. I felt a hand take ahold of my arm and pull.

"Rory.." I breathed as she tugged me through the doorway and around the corner. She pressed me against the wall, leaning in close. "I need to talk to you. Or…not talk." "What? What are you talking about?" I asked, wanting nothing more than to reach out and stoke her cheek. It looked so soft and she was blinking up at me through those big blue eyes of hers — it was too much.

But I knew I gave up that right so long ago now, when I got on that bus to go find my father without telling her. I feel the loss bubble up inside of me, even now after so much time apart. The look on her face when she caught me out on that bus flies through my mind and I'm reminded yet again of how I promised I'd call her but could never muster up the courage to put into words what I was doing so instead would sit on the phone in complete silence. I was such a coward back then. I should never have walked away from her the way that I did and left things between us so unfinished and so without closure. She deserved better than that, she always will.

"Jess, I really can't stand to be at a wedding right now, even if it is Mum and Luke's. I need an escape, an out and I know you can't stand weddings either so maybe…" "Wait, hold up, since when can you not stand weddings? You used to love weddings…I remember you working on weddings with your Mum when she ran the Independence Inn and remember Sooki's wedding? That was..um, a pretty great day.." I see the shimmer of recognition slip behind her eyes at how I'm not so subtly hinting at the day she first impulsively kissed me, and realise I've hit a nerve. "I'm sorry, I didn't—" I stutter and she shakes her head, making me loose my train of thought.

"No, no. It's okay. Look, can we go somewhere? Because I really can't deal with this right now." "Rory, what is it? What's wrong?" I touch her arm and she opens her mouth to answer but whatever she was going to say is drowned out by the whoops, cheers, squeals and shouts of the Luke and Lorelei fan club that's on the other side of the wall I'm leaning against.

Rory's eyes grow huge and she sighs, dragging a hand down one side of her face, pulling the skin. She looks stressed and it's only now that I notice the deep purple bags under her eyes. I remember them from when we were younger, they appeared in the weeks leading up to her final exams at Chilton. I hate to see that they've returned, I don't want her to be tired and anxious. I want her to be happy.

"Hey, do you want to go somewhere and talk because I'm worried about—" "RORY! WHERE'S MY GIRL?" Lorelei's energetic and unmistakable voice travels from the other room, cutting me off and Rory visibly flinches. Is there some riff going on between her and her Mum I don't know about? No, there couldn't possibly be. I mean, I know about the falling out they had over her dropping out of Yale and taking refuge at her grandparents' place but they sorted that out when she returned to school and shook her doubts.

How she could ever have such strong doubts about her capability to make it as a journalist is beyond me since it's been clear from the start to anyone who's ever known her, that she definitely has what it takes to not just break into the media industry, but to take it by storm.

"Did something..is there a fight going on between you and your Mum that I—" "There you are!" Luke stands in the corridor, a big goofy grin on his lips, consuming his whole form. You could tell the man his diner burned down and I'm pretty sure it wouldn't penetrate the permanently happy mood his reconciliation with Lorelei has put him in.

"Lorelei, she's in here!" Luke calls over his shoulder. Rory's cheeks colour and she steps back from me. My heart might as well have been torn from my chest and splattered across the floorboards. "Well, so much for that…" I hear Rory mutter under her breath as she lets Luke guide her back into the main room.

"Time for LOBSTER!" I hear Uncle Luke announce excitedly, rubbing his hands together. Lorelei reaches out to loop an arm around both Luke and Rory on either side of her, grinning from ear to ear and nuzzling her face into Luke's neck affectionately. "Yes, you're finally getting your lobster, honey."

It's after the meal and Luke and Lorelei's first dance as "MR AND MRS LUKE DANES" that I manage to get Rory to talk to me again. I have to corner her by the doors to the kitchen. "Hey, what was that all about before? You seemed really distraught and I just wanted to make sure you were okay—"

"Well, I'm not! okay Jess? I'm not okay and things are not fine and there's nothing that I could possibly want less than to be at a wedding right now, I mean I really can't get the thought of what would've happened if I'd said yes, out of my head. The kind of life I would have had…would be so different and I don't know whether it'd be necessarily good different or bad different, just different different, you know what I mean?"

I swallow. "No. Absolutely not. I'm sorry to say you completely lost me. What are you trying to escape—" "Rory!" A voice somewhere in the hub of the room that sounds suspiciously like Emily Gilmore exclaims. "I have to go." Rory squeezes past me, our shoulders brushing and it kills me inside that she doesn't feel the spark of chemistry that I do whenever we're within arm's length of each other.

With a deep breath, I return to the gathering in the centre of the room and try to push Rory's confusing behaviour from my mind and enjoy the celebrations. After all, it's not everyday that your Uncle gets married, or at least not everyday that mine does. To be honest, I had little faith that Luke would ever get the courage up to go after Lorelei, let alone somehow convince her to marry him. _Again_.

A little over half way through the speeches, Lane comes over to me and passes me a note. I frown and she just knowingly smiles, her gaze dropping to her feet and walks away. I glance around, trying to spot Rory but she's nowhere to be found. So I do the one and only thing I can possibly think of doing right now; I unfold the note and turn it over. It just says one word. " _Kitchen_."

I look instinctively over at Luke and am only mildly surprised to find he's looking back at me already. He's always been way too overprotective. He just nods, a softness in his eyes that I don't think was ever plain to see before, but was probably always there somewhere. And it simply took Lorelei to bring it out.

Lorelei turns her head and smiles at Luke, her face full with a relaxed kind of happy. She reaches for his hand, wrapping her own over his and a calmness visibly courses through Luke. I can almost feel his heart pick up from where I stand several tables away.

I didn't return to my seat after my speech because I wanted to be able to intercept Rory easily if she got up at any stage. That and well, I also wanted another beer. If Rory thinks weddings aren't easy for her, she should trying be me. An occasion that celebrates love and all things white and poofy? _I'll pass._

Lorelei follows Luke's steady gaze to me and something in her face changes. It's almost as though she's surprised. But even if Luke didn't run inviting me by her, surely the shock would've worn off by now. I mean, I did stand beside him at the alter and propose a toast in their honour only minutes before.

Now Luke's looking at her and frowning and they're craning their necks together, whispering low. I shake my head, trying to respect their privacy by not attempting to lipread whatever they're saying while simultaneously trying to adapt to them being back together.

And fuck me, if this time doesn't last, what with the rings and vows and names signed on the dotted line and all…it better work this time. Otherwise, I don't think Luke could survive another on-off again situation with Lorelei. His heart is already too far gone. He's always been so invested in whatever it is that's existed under the surface between them over all these years, even going back as far to when they were just friends.

 _Now what are they doing?_ Lorelei is close to waving her arms about in the air and causing a scene. Luke is gesturing wildly and mouthing something to me. It couldn't be…. _kitchen_ , could it? I swear that's it. That's what he's saying.

I look down at the now crumpled note in my hand and when I next look over, Lorelei has taken her napkin and is compulsively folding it and unfolding it. I nod, getting the message. She wants me to open the note again so I do, just in case i missed anything, any marking that could communicate what I think Lorelei is suggesting…that this is a note from Rory.

But no, nothing. No initials, no sign off whatsoever or any indication of who it is from. I squint at the handwriting. At first I figured it was Lane's but can't be sure since it _was_ several years ago now that we attended Stars Hollow High together. Also, it's not like she sat anywhere near me in class anyways. She didn't pay me much attention in the beginning.

I always suspected that, like Dean back then, she found me threatening and imposing. As though I might steal Rory away from her the first chance I get. It wasn't like I ever even had the power to do that in the first place, or at any stage in our relationship anyway. But I just leave them to think what they will about me, no point getting worked up over it now. The days of me being an easily agitated insecure teenager, while secretly seeking acceptance, are well and truly over.

I always felt like an intruder in Stars Hollow and despite Luke's best and most noble efforts, unwanted. I wasn't needed here. I was an outsider which is essentially just an outer-towner, but y'know what small town dynamics are like. Suffocating, small minded, traditional and weary. Any or all apply at some point or another. Don't get me wrong, they can be great.

But for a seventeen year old with a sporadic mother who'd all but outwardly given up on her rebelling opinionated son and shipped him off to live with an Uncle they hadn't visited since childhood — well, let's just say there wasn't exactly a welcoming committee rolled out and leave it at that, shall we?

Fed up and slightly tipsy, I decide to just do what the note says. When in doubt, follow the first set of instructions one comes to, right? Isn't that what society's teaching youth these days? They might just make robots out of us yet.

I remember entering that kitchen like it was yesterday. There were people fussing about and darting in each and every direction and the cake towering over all other dishes, proudly and boldly. Sookie's really outdone herself this time, I'm practically drooling at the mouth just laying eyes on it.

"Psst." I turn around and finally spot her, standing still amongst all the chaos. Which seems appropriate considering she always was my anchor through the madness of my adolescent years. Even when she wasn't with me, her voice encouraging and chanting remained at the back of my mind, surging me forward in everything that I went after in life since running away from Stars Hollow.

I laugh as I make my way over to her. "Okay, now I'm even more confused, which I don't think was possible but silly me, to put even that past you. Of course, you're going to be cryptic the first time we see each other again since you came to my book signing. Only to run off back to the rich blondie, I might add."

"Jess." She whacks my arm playfully like she used to when we were together and I'd accidentally let an insult about the town, school or the locals slip out in front of her. I knew how furiously she stood by the town and all its values and silly events and traditions. It was her home, of course she loved it with her whole 'self, it was the only place she had ever known. Whereas to me, it was trying - and failing miserably at - living up to the comparison of New York.

"Look, you're not with that twat anymore, right? Like, you're broken up for real this time? Not just, oh he had a little tantrum and has run off on Daddy's private jet to Barcelona for the weekend to do shots off some other girl's stomach, only to come back begging mercilessly at your feet in a week's time?"

"I'm pretty sure you know his name is Logan." She says, rolling her eyes and folding her arms across her chest. "Yeah, yeah. But admit it, it's much more fun to take the opportunity to throw twat into a conversation." A small smile plays on her lips and I know I've won her over. For the first time in a long time, I let the victory fill me up and take a second to simply bask in the glory and pure satisfaction that comes with knowing I did that — I caused that cheeky, loveable smile to form on her face.

The kitchen staff are shouting now and yet another tray is wheeled out into the dining room. I find myself finally taking in our surroundings, aware that we're probably in someone's way right now and if not, in _many_ people's way right now. "Hey, as much as I love this unique gossip spot, do you possibly think we could—" She nods and checks nobody's watching.

"I was just thinking the exact same thing." She agrees with me, offering her hand and taking a step back. I push down the unexpected nerves that surge through me and comfortably thread my fingers through hers. The next thing to occur was far from what I was expecting and probably a choice of hers which wouldn't have even made it onto the list of top ten predictions I would've made about she'd do next.

She pulls me into the pantry.

"Ror—oomph, what are we, um, what—" It's tight and compacted in here and suddenly white spots begin to appear at the edges of my vision as she tugs on a string and light erupts above us. It's not so bright once my eyes take a moment to adjust and the dazed look resting on her face indicates she's doing the same thing. "What are we doing in here?" It's hard to get out without laughing, but I manage. Just.

"What do you mean?" She tilts her head, her face impressively blank. She's really seriously trying to pull, that it's an ordinary occurrence for us to be in the pantry of her mother's Inn together, by me? Does she think I'm _that_ dumb? "This." I go to gesture around us but realise my hand is still enclosed inside hers. My tongue goes pathetically limp inside my mouth and my blood might as well be on fire. That's really the kind of effect she has on me. Yes, even after her rejection at Yale and her choosing that blonde pompous ass over me — twice.

"Crazy how that familiarity doesn't ever seem to disappear between us, huh?" Her voice breaks at the end and when I finally tear my attention away from our joined hands, there are tears pooling in her eyes. And as badly I itch to wipe them away, I stop myself. Because that's just what she thinks I'm going to do.

"Don't change the subject..why are we in here, Rory?" I try to sound stern but it comes out closer to a whisper or a plea. I can't let her know that seeing her this vulnerable physically hurts me. She shakes her head and takes a deep breath, regaining her composure. I know i've done the right thing by not acknowledging her obvious state of distress, at least in that particular moment.

When did she step closer? She's practically up against me now and I try to push the thought of us simply recycling the air the other has already breathed, from my mind. Now is so not the time to overthink Jess, my brain warns. _Don't sweat the small stuff._

"Rory, I don't know about this—" Anything that may've followed is swallowed up by her mouth on my own. I'm ashamed to say I didn't put up much of fight, or really, any resistance at all. But can you really blame me? If the girl from your past, the only one you've ever loved, the one you always thought wouldn't ever give a damn about you, kisses you in a darkened pantry at her mother's wedding to your uncle, are you seriously telling me you wouldn't go for it? Of course you would, any sane guy would.

My fingers find their way into her hair and the skin around my waistline tingles from where her warm hands rest, even through my suit clothes. "That was.." I stutter when we're finally forced to stop a minute, to remind ourselves to do that little minor thing - what was it again - oh yeah that's right, _breathing_.

"Jess.." She says, cupping my face in her hands. I move to kiss her knuckles and she stifles a moan. Next thing I know she's reaching over and pulling the cord, plunging us back into darkness and finding her arms around me again, closing all remaining space between us, our bodies in line. "I really needed this." She murmurs into my neck, trailing kisses down along my collarbone, undoing the top buttons of my shirt. "Wait, Rory…I'm not sure now's the right time for this. I mean, what about Sookie's maid of honour speech, do you really wanna miss that?" Rory scoffs gently instead of answering and pulls my neck down to kiss some more.

I don't know how long we spend locking lips in the dark but I realise I have to stop this before it goes any further and one of us ends up looking back on this night with regret and shame. My suit jacket has long been shed and most of my buttons are undone by now, with the zip on her dress slightly lowered, allowing me to rest my left hand on the bare skin of her back. I can't believe she's giving me the go-ahead to take the dress off her, something I've wanted for so long and yet, I'm stopping it - me.

"Stop. _Wait_. We have to." I say, more urgently this time. "Why?" She poses and it's in that moment, that it becomes clear. That one single word is all I need to hear to know Rory Gilmore is not herself tonight. She would never jump right back into something like this, especially with me out of all people. She would never ordinarily act so careless, hasty and quite frankly, selfishly.

She has not once throughout all of this, checked I'm okay, though I've numerous times done for her, or paused to consider where her Mum might think she is right now and how Lorelei will feel later, knowing her daughter missed out on the afterparty of her wedding.

She's missing Lorelei's wedding - to Luke! - and it's all because she's with me in a pantry. The Rory I always knew would never want things to happen this way. She also would never not overthink this entire situation. She would never act on her impulses so feverishly and in the manner that she has tonight. Then I remember the note.

"Was it your handwriting or Lane's?" I ask, stalling for time as she runs her hands through my hair, messing it up, kissing my whole face. "What?" She pauses. "Mine. Why do you ask?" She adds, a beat later. "I dunno..just curious, I guess." I flinch at the lameness of my reply, glad for the cloak of darkness which ensures she doesn't see this.

And back to the snogging we go.

"Rory, god, I can't believe i'm even saying this but we…we can't do this here, now." "Jess, relax. It's okay." If I don't step back now, I'll be in too deep. I can't feel her lips over mine again and pull away. I feel her reach for me again and I pinch myself. Then I step back, before tugging at the empty space behind me. The light illuminates the room. I forgot how bright it was. My eyes spin, my head spins but heart may as well have dropped to my stomach. The devastation on her face is guttering.

"Jess, what are you—" "I want this as much as you. Trust me, I do. But.." "But nothing. We both want the same thing and this is our shot, Jess. We might not get another spare second alone, so I had to do something. You weren't kick starting this so I knew if I didn't make a move soon, nothing was going to happen. I gave Lane that note and asked her to pass it to you right after my speech but she got delayed with her twins and we lost a bit of time there but that's—" I take her hand in mine, hardly able to breathe as I say this. "Rory, it's your mother's wedding. And it's Luke's."

She mock laughs at me, lifting her shoulders and letting them fall. "I know who's getting married. God, I'm not that wasted, am I?" "My Uncle Luke's." I continue as though she'd never interrupted. "We should be out there with them, now. You _know_ we should, it's the right thing to do. They're both the most important people in our worlds. If you were yourself, there's no way you'd miss this."

"Stop. Okay?" She manages a tight smile, shifting the way she's standing and bringing her hand to rest along my jawline. I lean into it as a reflex more than anything else. She was right earlier, when she pointed out how the familiarity between us has never faded away. I still feel so comfortable with her, things between us just slot back into place as though we're seventeen again and she's fresh out of her first relationship with Dean and eagerly diving into her second with me.

"It's really sweet that you don't want me to miss out on Mum and Luke's special day, but trust me I'm not missing anything and she's definitely not going to come looking for me." "What do you mean by that?" "She knows we're in here, Jess."

"Well, not here, _here_ , specifically but she knows we're off somewhere together, is what I meant to say. The minor details are not important." She leans in to kiss me again and I pause, darting out of her direct byline. Her brow knits together, confusion dawning on her face. "Do you not want to be in here with me?" "No." I cut in before she's barely phrased the full question. "Of course, I want to be here with you now, maybe not in here specifically but the general idea is, yes well, certainly something I've thought a _lot_ about and.."

She's smiling and I'm reminded of so many memories, so many late night conversations on the phone about books and music and politics, about New York and Stars Hollow and the many ways in which they differ. About Yale and the future she'd always planned to chase. Flashbacks and echoes blink behind my eyes of the days we'd walk, hand in hand and side by side, from one end of town to the other, swinging our arms, laughing and joking about stuff that I find to be so meaningless and mediocre, looking back on it now.

"How does your Mum know we're together? I mean, she couldn't possibly know because there's no way we'd be here if she did know. There's no way she'd be okay with us being—" "Hey, calm down. Breathe." She places both hands on my shoulders, grinning mischievously at me, teasingly. I'm pretty sure every nerve ending in my entire body is awake now and on high alert, that's if they were any left which weren't already sparked, by the way she confidently tugged me into the cupboard with her.

"Mum knows because we talked about it and well, she told me to go for it with you. She knows firsthand how unlucky we've always been with timing and she pointed out to me that now could be it." "Could be what exactly?" "Our moment. Our time. Our right—" "Now? Now as in at the wedding reception?" "No, silly." She playfully rolls her eyes and bats my upper arm — both of which are things, Rory never would've been caught dead doing during our high school years.

"Now, as in this time in our lives. We're both older now, we've each made something of ourselves. Although, admittedly I do still have quite a while to go, what with the breaking into the media world and all, but I do have a graduation with honours from Yale up my belt and then there's that whole thing with being editor of the Yale Daily News and the internship with Mitchum Huntzburger at the Stamford Gazette and well…"

"So that's it." I pinch the bridge of my nose, and as a result unintentionally push her hands away. She lets them fall to her sides and smooths down the tight material of her dress. "What's it?" She replies. I can't believe I didn't consider this until now. The casual way she dropped his family name into conversation tells me so much that I was clearly just trying to ignore at all costs.

"That's what this is all about. Now it's finally out in the open." "What's out in the open? Jess, come on, now totally isn't the time to be cryptic!" "Me? _I'm_ being cryptic? Oh, that's rich coming from you, Little Miss _gives Lane a note to give to me and disappears during the speeches and pulls me into the pantry at your mum's inn and tries to have her way with me_!" Rory faux gasps and crosses her arms over her chest. "Oh, please! Don't try and pin that on me! As if I would ever _have my way_ with anyone! Gross, Jess! I'm not just taking advantage of you! It's more than that."

"Well, what would you call it, then?" "Huh?" She points out her bottom lip further than the top, almost like pouting but not quite. "THIS, Rory, whatever's supposedly between us," I pause to gesture from her to me and back a few times. "What is it?!" "I don't know, okay?" I open my eyes wider — so the truth finally comes out. And fuck, does it hurt.

"And why do I have to know, right now, right away? It's too soon to really know anything for sure, isn't it? Who says we find the real thing at _twenty one years old_ and who says, you're supposed to sacrifice things for the real thing? Being as young as we are, I don't feel ready to fully—" "Twenty one? What, Rory, don't you mean seven—OHHH." The realisation that she's not referring to us — her and me — hits like a ton of bricks. No, that's not possibly near painful enough, try several dozen tons of bricks and a sledgehammer driving into my skull. Then maybe, MAYBE you'll be getting close to replicating the kind of pure agony I felt in that exact moment.

It's at this point, that I realise Rory's been mindlessly blabbering this whole time while I've been lost in my own thoughts and simply just somewhere else entirely, far from here in this cupboard with her. "…Settling down so young, and where's the fun in that? Avocado trees really aren't that great, y'know, they're hardly ever in season and are just completely —"

"Rory?" I interrupt. "Yeah?" She finally stops talking about nothing I know anything about and falls silent. "It's Logan, isn't it?" I ask, keeping my expression as blank as a board. "Hey, you finally used his real name!" She exclaims, beaming proudly at me like I'm a little kid who's just written his name right for the first time. But all i can think now is _woah, I don't recall the scent of red wine being quite that strong on her breath only minutes before._

When I don't reply, she forces herself to squint at me, up and down, before actually acknowledging what i've said. "You said it's him, um.. _what's_ him?" She answers, dumbly. "The reason why you're doing _this,_ acting this way tonight. He's the thing you're running from, what you're wanting to escape! It all makes so much more fucking sense now!" I sigh and start doing up the buttons of my shirt. "Oh, no. No, don't do that, don't be like that. Wait, Jess, you don't—" "I don't, what, Rory? What were you going to say? Please do, _go on_. Say it. Because i'd be really interested to see what rabbit you can pull out of the hat of glorious Gilmore excuses this time."

"You don't— I can't.. that's not it." She stutters, stumbling over her words. "This isn't about _him_ , okay? This has got nothing to with him." "You can't even look me in the eye when you say those words, Rory! You do realise that, don't you? You didn't meet my gaze that entire sentence!" She peels her attention away from the shelves of food and shamefully shrugs.

"Things aren't finished between you two, are they? You're still with him, aren't you? Fuck, I'm so stupid. How did this happen? How did we get here, _again_ , Rory? I swore I'd stop letting you walk all over me the next time we saw each other." "I don't walk all over you! How dare you say that!" "I'm pretty sure that you do, Rory, otherwise how else can you explain how we landed ourselves in the kitchen pantry of Lorelei's fucking inn?!"

"Look, you've got it all wrong." She rubs her temple on the side of her head, clearly getting stressed. "Logan and I…we're definitely done. We're over, 'fin. There's no future there."

"How can you be so sure? I saw how you two were together, Rory and personally? I found the guy to be a complete and utter tosser, but that's just me. What do I know, right? Obviously you saw something in him, otherwise you wouldn't have given him the time of day, but you did and now look where it's gotten us. So, what is it this time? What kind of trouble in paradise has been stirred up this time by the privileged pompous ass Huntzburger who's never had to go without, a single crumby day of his life?!"

"What is it going to take for you to believe me when I say, **Logan is out of the picture** and out of my life for good?!" she explodes, short circuiting with me. "I don't know. Truthfully, I don't think there's anything you could say that would convince me of that, Rory. From what I hear, you two have been on and off for the better half of your time at Yale."

"Where did you hear that?" "Small town. Small gossip. People talk. I would think you, out of all people, would have learnt this by now." "Okay, what the hell is that supposed to mean, Jess?" She puts her hands on her hips and tilts her head at me, fixing me with the same challenging half glare, half stare-down look she'd use on me when we were younger.

Now it's my turn to dumbly shrug and I can practically see the frustration course through her. I imagine smoke coming out of her ears, which have turned pink at the tips as a direct result of the tense turn this conversation's swiftly spun in. "He proposed, okay?"

Um, WHAT. There are rarely moments in life when I am rendered speechless or when my mind has what people immaturely dub, _a brain fart,_ draining it _and_ me of the ability to form coherent sentences. And yet, this is one of those moments. It seems, I am suddenly overwhelmed with the anxiety that any prior knowledge of the English language, I possessed, has evaporated into thin air.

"He asked you to..to..marry…him?" She nods and then hastily reaches for my hands, threading our fingers together again. By this point, I've run out of buttons to do up on my shirt and had started glancing around for my suit jacket.

"But I said no. I knew, in my heart, I couldn't marry him. We're still so young, Jess. How can any of us possibly be expected to get married? I hardly even know what's going on inside my own head most days. It's enough of a challenge to have to regulate our _own_ mood swings and out of whack emotions at our age, without adding the additional challenge of being responsible for someone else's mood swings and thoughts. Marriage is a huge deal. I should know. After all, I've only watched my Mum run from it a thousand times over. Marriage means business, in my eyes. It's the joining of two lives, two separate entireties becoming one intergrading and—"

"Yeah, okay. Enough with the Oxford definition of marital oath, okay." I retort smugly. "I don't want to hear this, Rory. I can't hear this. It's too much, it's not.." I continue before trailing off. "Not, what?" she asks. "Not how this is supposed to go." I gently pull my hand free from her hold and nudge open the pantry door with a bump of my shoulder, leaving her standing alone. "Jess, hey, wait." She calls over my shoulder but I resist the instinct to look back.

And just like that, I'm dragged right back into reality as quickly as I let it all drop away. _Of course the kitchen couldn't be empty,_ as I embarrassingly step out from a walk-in cupboard of food with what is no doubtingly, a pained look on my face and could equally be perceived as a _guilty_ one.

"Hey." Lorelei's sitting on one of the benches in the kitchen, swinging her legs with a paper plate in one hand that has a half eaten piece of cake on it and a plastic fork in the other. Sookie's laughing, at something Lorelei must've said only seconds before I stumbled in on them, while carefully and tentatively hauling the remains of the big ass wedding cake into the Inn's master freezer.

"Uh, hi." I mumble back, finally finding my voice. I hope she doesn't think I'm being short or rude with her. It's just after the close and tight proximity I was in with her daughter _and_ the un-saintly things that aforementioned daughter was saying as she trailed kisses on every exposed surface of my skin, I'm feeling slightly uncomfortable to find myself in Lorelei's presence _right now._

An awkward silence falls on the room, weighing down the air and making my feet feel cemented to the spot. Sookie sends a partly sympathetic half smile my way as she struggles with the cake. "Here, let me help you with that." I blurt, rushing forward to free her from the burden of some of the cake's weight. "Oomph, thanks." She says under the cake's huge form. "How is there this much left over? The whole town was here. You'd think an entire town would be capable of devouring at least one whole cake between them, even if that cake is the biggest I've ever seen." I say, having to take a breath at the end because I said too much too fast.

"Oh, why, thank you." Sookie beams from ear to ear and Lorelei laughs in the background, shoving a forkful of cake into her mouth. Clearly, neither of them picked up on my talking too fast to compensate for something. instead Sookie took it as complement. Right, that's good, I guess, I can work with that.

"But, truthfully, this wasn't the only cake." She adds as we're finally able to let go of the cake. "It wasn't?" I ask, now only half paying attention and rapidly losing any mild interest I previously may've had. Why? Because Lorelei's gaze has fallen somewhere behind me. I turn, expecting to see Rory but there's nothing there but the closed pantry door. I spin back to Sookie, only this time I walk over to Lorelei, stopping before her. She gives me a nod by way of greeting.

"Where's Luke?" I ask, believing it to be a valid question. "Funny you ask that, since he seems to be going out of his right mind conducting a witch hunt for you." Sookie replies with an amount of innocence so extreme it couldn't be put on for show. I look from her, then back to Lorelei.

As Sookie chuckles to herself, clearly still on a high from the wedding of her two best friends, and turns away, I mouth the words "she doesn't know?" over her shoulder to Rory's Mum. Lorelei nods and then grins at me. "So, you kids have fun then?" Lorelei says, winking and jabbing a shoulder in the direction of the pantry. I run my hand through my hair and attempt to erase any indication of a post make-out session state my hair may've taken on.

"Yeah, um Rory mentioned you knew where we were. Or at least, that we were together. Does this mean that you give your permission? That you approve?" Sookie whips her head around so fast, I fear it might roll off her shoulders at any given second. "of her and Luke?" Obviously having only tuned in to the concluding minority of what I said, Sookie energetically rushes on, running with the idea that I was referring to Luke and Lorelei instead of me and Rory.

"Of course, she approves! She did just marry the damn man, didn't she? Goodness, you really ought to get your head out of those books and ears out of that music you were always cranking from above Luke's diner as a kid and pay more attention to what's happening around you! because let me tell you, escapism is no way to—" "Okay, Sookie, honey. I think that's enough on the lecture, don't you?" Lorelei swiftly intercepts before things get heated. I'll admit I didn't appreciate the path Sookie was going down.

It seems nothing's changed in terms of the town's strict clean-cut values and self-righteous attitude that makes everyone here believe they have any ground to stand on to pass judgement on me or anyone for that matter. Nobody in this good-for-nothing, hillbilly haystack town knows the first thing about me and yet, they're still right there, quick and willing to jump in and give their two cents. _I am still so sick of it._ And I don't even come back here that often these days. No wonder seventeen year old me rebelled every chance I got after stepping off that bus.

I have nothing against Sookie and I used to have a fair bit of respect for her, since she always stood up for Lorelei and Rory and seemed like a honest person about town. I liked the idea of someone — other than their uptight and conservative grandparents — who the girls could fall back on.

I knew they'd always have Luke - or at least I hoped, since for a little while there, things were looking pretty close to ruined beyond repair for Luke and Lorelei. I guess, it just helped to know Rory, and even her mother too, could go to someone they trusted and who would put them first in hard times. The thought of Rory alone, without anybody to turn to on the confused dark days, makes me ache in places I didn't even think possible.

"Do you think you could give us a moment?" Lorelei's asking Sookie and nodding her head toward the exit. Sookie's eyebrows shoot up but to her credit, she simply licks her lips, mockingly bows and spins around on her heels, heading for the exit. Something I'd very much like to be doing right about now.

"Your every wish is my command, or at least for the remainder of your special day. That is, after all, my sole duty as your maid of honour." Sookie squeals, interrupting herself on the word "honour." Her face lights up, although to be fair, it's not as though it's dimmed at all throughout this whole night. "I'm still speechless that you picked me, out of everyone, even Rory and I know you ran the idea by her first and she encouraged you to pick me but it's still so—" "Yeah, I know, honey." Lorelei smiles, gently waving Sookie off.

"How long were we in there for?" I say, jabbing a thumb over my shoulder, but without looking back. I suspect it'll only cause me to race back in there and pick up right where Rory and I left off. I have no clue what she's still doing in there, I should probably go check she hasn't hit her head on some shelf or something, since she hasn't made a noise in a while. God, it's so unlike Rory to be this drunk. For the first few seconds after I left the pantry, I heard her banging and clanging around in there, almost as though she was looking for something.

"Not as long as you might think." Lorelei answers as I pointedly look at the paper plate of cake in her hand. She takes one more bite and then places it down. "We did have cake though." She admits. "And some more dancing, mingling and jokes since you two wandered off." _Okay_ , so obviously a lot more time had passed than she's letting on.

Regardless of Rory's persistent reassurance that her Mum knew we were together and approved, I still feel I should clear the air. "Yeah, about that." I start, referring to her mentioning our _wandering off._

"Look, I want you to know I didn't draw her away or encourage her to miss the wedding. I would never do that, I may've in the past but—" "You don't have to prove to me that you've changed, 'Mariano." She says, dropping my last name as though we're old footy mates from High School instead of the ex of her daughter and the wife of my uncle having a somewhat confusing and all over the place conversation in the kitchen of the Inn she owns while her wedding celebrations continue on around us.

"I know that you've changed, that you've grown. I can see it. Luke's been trying to tell me for years that you've come into yourself more. And I never believed it until today, but I really and honestly do now." "Yeah?" " _Yeah_. The fact that you even remotely care about how drawing Rory away might upset me tells me everything I need to know." She pauses and a beat goes by. "You asked me before if I approve?"

I swallow, making no effort to confirm this, though perhaps simply knowing deep down that no confirmation is needed. After all, I did ask that and we both heard how foreign and unexpected it sounded in my voice.

"Well, I can honestly say, now knowing how far you've come from the person you once were—" "You mean, the no-good kid I used to be?" "No, Jess. You're were never a no-good. Hell, you make it sound like you were some kind of delinquent." "Because I was." I retort, to which she just presses her lips together and leans back on her hands. "You were just lost." She corrects, after a few seconds of thought. "Okay, fine. _Lost_. Whatever." I shrug and she sighs. "Back to what I was saying.." She gives me a look and I just nod, folding my hands together at my front, waiting for her to continue.

"Weirdly enough, even with me marrying your Uncle Luke, I think you and Rory stand a better chance now than you ever did before and maybe, just maybe, with a little patience on your part, considering she's not really in the best place emotionally right now — and some honest effort and commitment on her part, the two of you together could make—"

"Jess, I found it!" Rory bursts from the cupboard, flinging the door back against the wall and triumphantly holding up my suit jacket. Lorelei's jaw drops open momentarily, since she's quick to correct herself. Pushing herself into an upright sitting position once more, instead of casually leaning back, Lorelei returns to swinging her legs and yawns.

It becomes clear to me I will now never know where she was going with that speech. Even with everything she hinted at, I still can't be sure she approves of Rory and I giving things another go between us. She never came right out and stand it straight to me.

"Mum, what are you doing in here? Shouldn't you be cutting the cake with Luke?" Lorelei and I share a look, before she drops down from the bench and walks over to Rory. Tugging some loose strands of hair behind Rory's right ear, Lorelei kisses her daughter's forehead.

"Actually, it's probably closer to the tradition of the guests seeing us off than it is to the cake cutting, my dear." Rory frowns and I resist the urge to face palm myself. "How much have you had to drink tonight?" Lorelei asks and Rory starts chewing on the inside of her cheek.

Lorelei tuts, though she's smiling a lopsided grin so we both know she's not really mad. After all, how could she? Rory's been of legal age for several years now. "What's happening in here, then?" Luke announces his entrance, smiling from Lorelei to Rory to me. I groan, looking down to the floor and Luke laughs, moving over to me and slapping me affectionately on the back.

"Is it time to go?" Lorelei asks, gathering some of her dress up in one hand and lifting it as she walks to stand by Luke. It seems they gravitate towards each other in every room they share and something tells me this is a habit can't just be simply put down to the fact that it's their wedding and will continue long after just tonight.

"Yeah, nearing it. You ready to go?" Luke answers his wife, as she cuddles into his side and he kisses the side of her head. Rory sways, tripping over her own two feet and I fly to her side, reacting automatically. She grabs ahold of my arm for support as soon as I'm close enough and I stifle my pride as I bring my arm around her waist, taking it upon myself to keep her upright. I try to ignore how noticeably she relaxes and how calmly she leans into me just like Lorelei does with Luke. _She'd lean on anybody right now_ , that bratty voice inside my head that only ever speaks the harsh truth hisses at me.

"You alright there, Yale Graduate?" Luke jokes and Lorelei only just stops herself from bursting out laughing. I smirk at them, knowing they feel the same way about this situation as I do. This isn't Rory. She'd never act this way. Something's gotta be really wrong to make her behave like this. "I think she's in safe hands." Lorelei tilts Luke's chin down and kisses his lips slowly. I avert my eyes but it seems in Rory's drunken state she forgets all social protocol and hiccups loudly instead. "EW, GROSS MUM, STOP!" Accidentally slapping herself in the face, she hastily cups a hand over her eyes.

With Lorelei's comment of entrusting me with Rory running through my mind, I gently move Rory's hand away from her face. "Let's go." "Hey," Luke turns just before walking out, locking eyes with me. "Look after her, a'right Jess? You're responsible for making sure she gets home safe. Got it?" I nod, biting my bottom lip. "Got it, Uncle Luke." Lorelei lets out a bemused giggle, grabbing at Luke's chest. "Baby, I think he'll be just fine. I trust him." "Oh, you do, do you? What's changed?" A questioning expression settles on Luke's face.

Meanwhile my palm becomes clammy, as I'm still holding onto Rory who's taken to resting her face on my shoulder, her breathing slowing with every second that passes us by.

"Nothing's changed. Whatever are you talking about, I _always_ trusted him. After all, who wouldn't trust a kid who paints the outline of a dead body outside _Doosey's Market_ at 17 years old or ditches school to work at Walmart instead and never runs it by his Uncle a.k.a guardian?" Lorelei jokes and I roll my eyes.

"That was the old me." I answer. "Careful, Mister. I wouldn't get too used to letting that phrase roll off the tongue so quick." "Why's that?" I reply, partially sarcastic.

"Because the old you was actually quite well-liked by some people in this room, you might even say _loved_." Lorelei is quick to reply, ready with her answer and even tilts her head at Rory after she's said her piece, as if that wasn't already obvious enough on it's own.

"Alright, before you say too much, let's get you home, Mrs Danes." Luke pinches her side gently and Lorelei squeals out of child-like delight and smiles wide. "I like the sound of that." "You and me both." Luke replies and they kiss once more.

"Alright guys, geez. Enough with the PDA, yeah? I'm happy for you, but it's getting a bit much.." They break apart and Lorelei laughs at me, while Luke forges a look of confusion. "I'm sorry. What was that?" He cups a hand over his ear, faking having not heard me. I roll my eyes yet again and Rory starts. I look to my side and she's blinking, yawning and bringing her hand up to cover her mouth. "Did you just fall asleep, standing up?" Lorelei asks, scoffing. "I guess I did…" Rory's voice trails off and she looks to me for confirmation, a startled expression on her face.

I laugh and Luke's face falls. He's obviously worried and unhappy with Rory's confusing and messy state. I wish I could reassure him somehow that she'll be okay, better than okay. She's overcome this, of course she will. She always does. But something tells me, there's no way of me saying that without it sounding like I'm still in love with her - which I am, but there's really no need for them to know that - so I stay quiet.

"Rory, Jess is going to take you home, okay?" Lorelei says in a soothing voice. Rory's face scrunches up and she leans away from me. How sweet. "Mum, don't talk to me like I'm a baby. I'm going to be twenty three this year and.." Rory hiccups.

Lorelei rolls her eyes and moves to rub Rory's back. She opens her mouth to say something but Sookie bursts through the door, leaving it swinging behind her. "What are you guys still doing in here? Everybody's gathered on the Inn's front porch to see you off! Come on, lovebirds, it's time to start your life together." She grabs Lorelei's arm and Luke's, hauling them off, despite the protests which echo after them as they leave.

She turns to me and sighs. "Why can't I stop yawning?" "Because it's been a big night." I reply and gesture to the back exit. "Shall we?" "But what about Mum and Luke's farewell?" "Do you really wanna go out there and deal with everybody again? In the state you're in?" She frowns at me. "Hey!" She remarks defensively. "I'm not trying to be mean, I'm simply stating a fact." I hold my hands up, mocking surrender. She stares at me, long and hard, thinking it over.

"Because we can if you really want. Go out there and join everybody on the deck. I have no issue going back out there but then again, I'm not the daughter of the bride. Y'know, someone who they're going to want to pay special attention to.." She takes the bait and agrees to leave out the side door with me. I shut it slowly behind us, careful not to make a sound, even though there's no way anybody would hear us over the cheers and wolf whistles filling the air from the front of the property.

I retrieve my keys from the inside of my jacket and swing the keyring around my finger, as we approach the car. "Do you think Mum was disappointed in me?" Rory asks, stopping still and shivering. I can't tell if it's at the mere prospect of letting Lorelei down or because of the cold. I shrug off my jacket, deciding it's best to offer it to her either way. She shakes her head, declining, almost instantly. I keep my face blank, conscious as to hide that this bothers me.

Yet, as I retract my arm which extends the coat, she snatches at it while chewing at her cheek again. "Thank you." She half whispers, slipping her arms through the sleeves, gratitude brushing over her features. I just clip a nod in her general direction and focus myself on opening her door for her. I can't think about how it makes me feel to see her wearing my suit jacket. Or how nights like this, being together at events and leaving together, is what I've always held out that small sliver of hope for. I guess you could say, what I've always wanted.

She thanks me again as she slips past me, settling herself into the car seat. I don't bother asking if she needs help with the seat belt and instead, tug it out and draw it across her. She laughs, touching my upper arm. "Jess, I think I can do that myself. I'm not a child." I click it into place and draw back only slightly, looking her in the eye and still half leaning over her. "You seem really adamant to prove tonight that you're mature and responsible." "Not a child." She repeats, a firm look set in her face.

I consider saying more but decide it's probably best to pull back. But right as I do, however, she grabs ahold of me and tugs me back closer to her. "Rory.." She strokes my cheek, running her fingers along my jaw and making every hair on my body stand up on end. She kisses me slowly at first and then building. I gently but determinedly push her back against her seat, breaking the joining of our lips.

"You can't keep doing this." I say slowly, my voice rising with the mix of emotions drawing up inside of me. "Don't you mean _we_ can't keep doing this, because well, this isn't exactly a one person job, y'know?" She giggles, rubbing at her eyes but keeping one hand lightly on my shoulder. Is she really flirting with me right now? Who does she think I am? Doesn't she realise we don't flirt? We never did. Our relationship was built more on books, our stubborn debating and mutual intellect than airhead stuff like flirting and drawn out touches, leaning ins and sex teases.

"I'm not the one orchestrating these occurrences, Rory. That all comes down to you. And we both know, it isn't fair on me." I pull back for real this time, all the way and her delicate hand falls from my shoulder. Glancing once more to check she's buckled up, I slam the door shut and kick at the ground, moving around the front of the car. Sliding into the driver's side, I plunge the keys in the slot and turn, starting up the engine.

"Jess.." "Just, don't Rory. Don't even bother." "Don't be like that. Look, we should talk. I know I've treated you poorly tonight, but it's got less to do with you specifically and more to do with me and the choices I've made in recent days and well, my coming to terms with—" "With what, Rory? With the life you supposedly gave up? The life you would've — _could've_ had with Logan? Is that really what this is still about? Do you expect me to fall for that one? Again? Because if you wanna hear what I think, I don't believe for one second that this is really actually about him at all, Rory! I believe it's about you!"

"What about me, exactly?" She retorts, angling her body in the passenger seat to face me as much as the seat belt will allow. I groan and shake my head, placing my hands on the wheel and pulling into reverse. "I don't want to get into this with you, right now. You're drunk and I'm tired and it's late." We drive around the Inn and Rory's attention is momentarily drawn away from me and the heated discussion we're having to what's happening outside. Her head turns, her eyes following outside the window as we drive past.

All the wedding guests, save for us, are standing in a cluster around the veranda of the Dragonfly and even trailing down onto the front lawn, throwing confetti up in the air and waving their hands about. It seems everyone has smiling faces, tearful cheeks and happy eyes, looking at Lorelei and Luke make their way down the steps with warm expressions.

I tighten my grip on the steering wheel as we finally approach the exit of the property. Rory hasn't turned back to face me, as though if she keeps staring out her window, her Mum and Luke will reappear there on the Dragonfly steps and have never frayed from our view. I don't make a sound, partly because I don't know what to say if I did try to talk and partly because I'm afraid of what might come out. Of myself and of her. So, we drive on in silence for quite a while.

When she finally straightens up again and stops only having her back to me, I feel myself relax slightly. I hadn't realised how tense my muscles had made themselves until now. I hear her hiccup again and then take a long breath in. She holds it for a few seconds before releasing. That sparks my interest, so I tentatively draw my gaze from the road to glance at the space beside me for a brief moment.

There are tears streaming down not just her cheeks but her whole face. I'd forgotten how much of a messy cryer she's always been. I wish I had tissues or a hankie or something, anything to give her that she could wipe them away with or at the very least shield her face with.

I know how much she despises crying in public. And even though, I'd hardly call my car _public_ I know Rory counts that as being anything other than alone when it comes to her meltdowns. "You can use the sleeves to wipe your snot on if you want… or your eyes." I finally say, my voice husky from being silent for so long. Suddenly I notice how scratchy my throat's become and try to think back to when the last time I drank something was since my mouth is almost abnormally dry.

She laughs carefully, a small insignificant one. "I don't have snot." She adds, sniffling. I try not to smile at that. "Why are you crying?" I ask. We've always been direct, upfront, and straight to the point with each other. Or at least, I've always intended for us to be. Undeniably there have been times when this hasn't worked out, but never the less, I vow to resort to it now.

"I-I.." She stops and touches her knuckles to her lips, breathing in and out, waiting before trying again. "I love Luke and I'm so happy that Mum's finally married him. I've known they're right for each other for years now and I never questioned whether Mum did too. Deep down, I suspect she's always felt that gravitational pull toward him. She tells me she's never known love before Luke. He's _it_ for her, y'know.." Her voice trails off and she swallows, struggling. Now I'm wishing I had some water to offer her. Though I'd no doubt also sneak a sip myself.

"I guess, I'm crying for the same reason I had a drink tonight…and then another and then another." She looks over to me, as I shift my hold on the steering wheel. I briefly meet her gaze. She shakes her head and then sinks back into the car seat, slouching and resting her head back below the headrest now. "I don't know how I got here, Jess." I press my lips together. Well, here it comes, is all I can think. I'm finally going to get what I've been waiting for all night long, what I was expecting from the moment I uncurled that note that said _kitchen_.

I never, in my wildest dreams, would've suspected that she wanted to make out in the pantry when I first read that. No way. Instead I assumed it meant we were going to talk. But not just talk. I could've been sure I was going to be met with none other than a classic, timeless, _Rory Gilmore rant._ And now, in my car as we pass the "Welcome to Stars Hollow" sign, reentering the town with nothing lighting up the night except the headlights of my car, that's just what I'm going to get.

"How did my life become such a mess? How did I become such a mess? God, I barely know who I am anymore. That sounds even worse out loud." She covers her face with both her hands and groans. "I always figured the weeks, months even, which followed my graduation from Yale, or Harvard — whichever, would be a really amazing time in my life, y'know? The kind of time that's filled to the brink with choices and hope and endless possibility. I would be a college graduate, finally done with school, with my studies. I'd have my journalism and media and communications degrees and I'd feel, maybe not on top of the world, but as close as I've ever gotten to elation…"

"And, you aren't feeling that?" I prompt after almost a minute has passed. She doesn't pause to mull over an answer, but rather dives right back in, feet first. "Mostly, I'm feeling confused and exhausted. Maybe a bit deflated and a whole lot bored." "Bored? You? Never." I joke and she laughs, though it's only another small one.

"Okay, you're right. Bored was a poor choice of words. What I mean to say, is y'know the endless possibility I mentioned earlier? Well, it's daunting. More so than I think I ever could've prepared myself for. It's exactly what they tell you, _endless._ It might as well be a black bottomless abyss, a void, a huge giant—"

"Okay, I think I get it.." I interrupt before she turns the corner of just providing me with countless synonyms for endless. "Right, sorry. Didn't meant to get off track." She blushes and I ignore the urge to put my hand over her knee, comforting her and reassuring her I love everything she says and everything she goes off on tangents about because I love her and she could never say anything that I didn't want to hear.

Except maybe, the harsh "Jess, what are you doing here?" when I caught her out with Dean at her dorms at Yale or the "no" she breathed when I told her not to say no unless she really didn't want to start building a future with me. Yeah, you could say those were examples of two rare occasions when it honestly could've saved a lot of hurt to have not heard her familiar comforting voice utter those words. The voice that's usually associated with my favourite memories.

"I want to move forward, but at the same time I don't know how to and I'm afraid. It sounds cowardly and childish, but that's the truth. Maybe I am still just a child. Maybe I have no idea what I'm doing and that scares me more than I'd like to admit." "You're not a coward or a child." I put in, as she tries to pull her knees up to her chest, though failing miserably when she realises she's wearing a tighter dress than would allow for this.

"You're just saying that because you got conned into driving me home and—" "And nothing. I'm not just saying it, Rory. You should know by now, I'm not the kind of person to _just say things_. I mean what I say." I feel her eyes on me, so I turn my head to see her. Her expression is soft and considering. She's thinking. I learnt to look for the telltale signs before we even first got together, in the early stages of our friendship — if you could even call it that — so I find myself still able to notice when I've lost her to her deep thoughts.

"You're right. You've always said the honest truth and nothing but the truth." She begins, folding her hands together in her lap as I return my attention to the road. It won't be long until we're pulling into her drive now. "Which is what I think I've known all night long, why I've been drawn to you." "I thought it was my warm, welcoming personality and my natural charisma." I say, fake flicking my hair, though it's not long enough to do one of those wanker hair tousles that boys in pop bands do.

She laughs for real this time, finally. "You, charismatic? Never." She throws my own saying back at me from earlier. "Okay, that's fair. I deserve that." I answer, momentarily drawing my hands away from the wheel to surrender and smile at her. "All's fair in love and war." She recites, smiling too and glancing out the window.

My hands slip from the wheel, after only just returning my grip and I have to consciously not let them fall from the shock. I find myself unable to swallow. What she said hit way too close to home with what Lorelei pointed out earlier. As stupid as it sounds, I walked into this day, not once thinking of the word _love_ and how hearing Lorelei say it in reference to me and Rory might feel and then just now hearing Rory, herself, say it in my presence. Neither were circumstances I expected to occur and yet, both of which I found myself facing.

If you were asking yourself right now, who walks into a wedding not thinking about love? Well, let's just said you're likely not alone in thinking this. I guess, that's pretty weird..but it's not like I'm someone who's ever spent a great deal of time thinking about that word or what it represents. Hell, just allowing my mind to drift back to all the times I could've uttered it to Rory frustrates me. And all the times I definitely felt it with her laughing beside me or reading silently, leaning into my side on the park bench or as I waited for her to step down from the bus back from Chilton, excited to pull her close, ask about her day and kiss her.

"Nothing's fair in love and war." I correct, turning the wheel and lifting my foot off the accelerator, slowing us down. She snaps to attention, looking straight at me but I don't acknowledge her eyes on me, not this time. I concentrate on driving. "Jess.." "What were you going to say? Before. You said the reason that I speak the truth is why you've been drawn to me all night.." "Oh. Yeah, um." She licks her lips and unfolds her hands, cupping one other the other instead.

"Well…" "We're here." I say, filling the silence she's never going to and bringing the car to a stop. When I glance at her, she's looking downward, at her lap.

"Huh?" She starts and lifts her head. "Oh, I suppose we are, wow, that went quick." She unbuckles and I cringe as she lets the belt go and it flings into the glass. "Sorry. I didn't mean to." She fixes it to it's place and touches two fingers to the window, ensuring it didn't crack or make a mark. "I didn't know it was going to do that." She adds. I should probably say something pointless like "it's okay" or "yeah" but I don't even try.

"Thanks for driving me back." She says, turning back around to face me, angling herself sideways. "You're welcome." I reply, my tone short. "You got a key?" My voice is clipped for good measure as I ask this, since it's clear the previous conversation is over and never going to go in the direction I wanted. "Jess." She tries to meet my eye but I don't oblige. I figured since she clearly doesn't want to talk, she'd just jump outta the car and make her way up their steps but she's not budging.

"You always tell me how it is and right now, finding myself completely lost and grieving a life I didn't even know I wanted and maybe never actually did but somehow still feel like I've been robbed of something…well, I guess I wanted you to do exactly what you did." "Which was?" I rub my temple, annoyed and with a patience that's wearing worryingly thin. "You reminded me constantly throughout the wedding, at any chance you got, that I'm not acting like myself and that I'm being stupidly reckless and distant with people who don't deserve it…like you, my Mum, Luke..everybody who still cares." "What makes you think I still care?"

She cracks a smile, poking me. "Sounds a little all too familiar, doesn't it?" I realise she's right. We've been here before. Outside her house - maybe not in the car but minor details don't need to aline exactly for it to feel like a severe case of deja vu - with her acting like I care about her and me trying to pull the wool over her eyes like I'm not remotely invested in her world. Back then, at 17 all she wanted was for me to try and be kinder to her Mum and to be make more of an effort around people in this town that weren't just her.

Now, she's admitting to using me and treating me poorly just because she knew she could because I never throw it back in her face anymore and instead let her get away with it due to the fact that I'm desperately in love with her.

God, I'm pathetic. I'm the kind of boy that I'd have beaten up back then. _Stop_ , I have to remind myself, I'm not a boy, I'm a man and I decide what kind.

"I'm still hurting, it sounds ridiculous but there it is. I'm not over it." "Don't you mean, not over him?" "No." She insists. At least i know the stubbornness hasn't disappeared along with so much else that's clearly changed about her.

"It's not about him, exactly. I can't explain it, really. It's what we had. I guess, in spite of all the arguing and the breakups and the times he let me down…I got used to what we had, found a certain comfort in it. I would hide in it, but now that it's gone, that it's truly ended..well, I have to face that it maybe wasn't the healthy of arrangements and that maybe he wasn't who I thought he was." "Rory, you can't do that." "What?" "Sit in my car and talk about how your boyfriend might not have loved you." "Why not? i'm not saying that's what I'm doing but why couldn't I?"

I sigh and cut the engine, surrendering to the reality that I'm not going to be driving off anytime soon if she keeps going with the mind games and riddles like this. "Because of course the bastard loved you! How else can you explain what prompted him to propose to you?!" She flinches, as though I've physically taken a swing at her.

"I don't know, Jess. Maybe it was just something he thought he had to do, another thing to tick off a list, a decision which would've pleased his family and his work colleagues and looked good on paper. Married his college girlfriend from Yale, settled down first chance he got. You gotta admit it sounds a little too good to be true, that kind of simplistic life." "Simplistic..? Can you even hear yourself right now? What has happened to you, Rory? Since when do you crave the simplistic?" I unbuckle myself now, shove the door open and step out, just for something to do.

I let the weight of my door slam itself shut and she copies me, peeling herself out of the car and walking around to stand before me. "I'm not saying I was going to say yes, I'm just saying I—" "You were considering it." "No!" "Well, then what? What are we talking about this for?" "Because it needs to be talked about." "Rory, just go inside. Do you need me to unlock the door for you?" "You seriously think I'm too wasted to put a key in a fucking lock, right now?" "Yes." I spit back. "But, fine. If you say you're fine, than I'm not needed here. I might as well fucking go." I spin around and reach for the door handle.

Her hand on my shoulder makes me freeze, her voice is close to my ear when she speaks again. "I don't want you to go. Not again." "I can't do this. I can't be the boy you use when things go sour with somebody else. I just won't."

"You said last time, you deserve better and you do, Jess." "Good, glad we agree on something then." I retort, sarcastic, still not turning around. If her behaviour tonight is anything to go by, it's clear she doesn't mean what she just said. So, she's delusional if she thinks I'm going to fall for that.

"Look, I admitted I'm a mess." "That's not enough, Rory. That doesn't justify this!" I face her and she doesn't step back, leaving us uncomfortably close, especially considering the conservation we're having right now is hardly intimate or sweet.

"You tried to hook up with me at the wedding. Next you fall asleep on my shoulder, because you're clearly more drunk than you've ever had experience being before! Then I drive you home, pushing to the back of my mind how shitty you've treated me all day and night and all you do is speak in bloody riddles and reveal you're not over your ex!"

She grips my arms, squeezing tight. "FOR THE LAST TIME I AM _OVER_ LOGAN! WHY WON'T YOU ACCEPT THAT?! I NEVER SAID I MISSED HIM, I SAID I MISSED WHAT I WAS USED TO! BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP IS MORE THAN JUST THE PERSON YOU'RE WITH! IT'S SHARING YOUR LIFE WITH SOMEONE AND ALWAYS DEPENDING ON THEM AND HAVING THEIR FACE APPEAR IN YOUR MIND THE MINUTE SOMETHING GOOD HAPPENS TO YOU AND WANTING TO RUN AND TELL THEM! THEY'RE THE KIND OF THINGS I'M TRYING TO ADJUST TO HAVING LOST! NOT HIM!"

"I CAN'T ACCEPT IT BECAUSE IT'S THE ONLY REASON I CAN THINK TO TELL MYSELF AS TO WHY WE'RE NOT TOGETHER!" I stop abruptly and clench and unclench my fists at my sides, wanting to throw my keys across the yard to let out some of the anger that's rising up inside of me. She opens her mouth and shuts it again. "I wasn't expecting that." "Bullshit, Rory." "Excuse me?" "Don't play dumb." "I'm not. How was I to know that was how you feel?" "Oh, I don't know. Maybe because I've been so obviously pining for you this whole day!"

"Well, it can't have been as obvious as you thought if I didn't even—" "Oh. So, okay." Disbelief and sarcasm fight each other as to which will come out on top in my tone.

"You're trying to tell me that you haven't noticed I've been right there by your side every chance I got today?" She doesn't answer, but I can tell she's growing more pissed with me by the minute. But it's too late, something inside of me has already snapped and I can't play the role of the push over for a second longer.

"I watched you all throughout the ceremony, though that one I guess I can understand how you might've missed since you stubbornly refused to look my way even once the entire time!" "That's not true! It wasn't about you! I was focused on my Mum. It was her wedding after all, it's not like it was ours or anything!" I retract as if she's taken a kick to my guts.

"I'm leaving." "No, Jess. Stop this, stop trying to act like nothing ever affects you!" She clutches at my fist and pries it open, snatching up the keys and dashing back a few meters. I roll my eyes. "How old are you again?" I spit, my heart racing and my face frowning. I just want to leave. Why is she being so difficult.

"All I wanted to do was talk today—" "You're wrong. All _I_ wanted to do today was talk. You wanted to do anything but talk!" I correct and her face goes hard. "What were the others times?" "Huh?" I cross my arms. "Before you acted so surely that there had been _sooo_ many clues as to how you feel about me expressed throughout the day and I want to know what they were. You only admitted one."

"I don't have time for this!" "Why? Got somewhere you need to be?" She challenges, cocking an eyebrow. "A girlfriend back in Philly to run home?" I snort. "Yeah, because that'd totally explain why I followed you into a pantry to do something that clearly wasn't talking and why I've basically just told you I want to be with you!"

This is the moment she chooses to bend over, hands on her knees and throw up. "Oh!" I cover my eyes. "Nice going, Rory." "I don't feel so good." She clutches at her middle and sways. I don't even hesitant moving forward and am holding onto her in a flash. "Come on." I say, trying not to gag at the puddle of the wedding reception dinner that now decorates her front yard.

"You need to go inside and lie down." I lead her up the steps, holding an open flat palm out for her house key. "Under the turtle?" She squeaks, colour draining from her face. "Are you going to be sick again?" I ask, wearily, preparing myself to rush her back down the steps to the grass to relieve herself since I don't think a parcel of vomit on their doormat was the kind of wedding gift Lorelei and Luke would've registered for.

"No, no. I'm good." She replies, unconvincingly. I nod once and start looking for the ceramic turtle that's lived on their deck for years and years. I finally spot it and kneel down to lift it up, revealing a rusted spare key, which I snatch up quickly. She clasps onto me again as soon as I move back toward the door.

Once we're inside, I place the key down on the first piece of furniture I come to, a long table that Lorelei dumps the mail on which currently has a vase of sunflowers on it and a framed picture of Luke with his arms around Lorelei who stands in front of him, laughing with her eyes squinted partly shut. I make a mental reminder to retrieve the key on my way out and lock up since I suspect I can hardly rely on Rory to lock up behind me.

We're through to the kitchen in no time and I stop short at the doorway to her room. She's over the threshold and attempts to tug me after her, her hold on me failing as she keeps me and I fall still. "What the…" She turns and looks me up and down. "What are you doing?" She asks, baffled. I swallow and don't speak. She glances around her room and then back to me, a smirk pulling at the corners of her mouth. "You can't honestly be afraid to come into my room." I don't react, visibly or vocally.

She's climbed up onto her bed now, pushing her hair out of her eyes. "You sure you don't have a girlfriend?" "Why do you say that, again?" I finally grasp some words. "Well, because something's playing on your conscience and it must be big. Nothing's ever stopped you from entering my room before. Not once from the first night we met. Not even then, come to think of it." I drop my head down, resting my gaze on my feet. Why is everybody in Stars Hollow so dead set on reminding me of the past, of the person I used to be?

I stopped letting myself get caught up on the past a long time ago and being back here isn't helping with that mindset. I turn around and fetch a bucket from under the sink, knowing that's where one will be. I return and this time, don't even pause before crossing into her room.

She's stretching out now, like a starfish, limbs hanging out over the side of her bed, blinking at the ceiling. "That a boy." She praises me. "Here." I hold the bucket out, above her face and point to it with my free hand. "This will be right down on the floor, within reach for you. Got that?" She salutes me instead of answering.

"You got a new bed?" I ask, running my fingers over the end frame. "Yeah." She blinks at it. "When Mum and Luke moved back in together, I told them to toss my old bed. They'll be converting this to a guest room soon enough..might as well provide their guests with a new bed."

"How many guests are they really going to have, Rory?" I retort, shoving my hands into my pant pockets. She's still wearing my suit jacket and has made no move to return it to me. She can have it, if getting it back means a longer wait to get out of here.

"Fine." She shuts her eyes, breathing in. "You wanna hear the truth?" "Might be an interesting contrast to the rest of the night." I remark smartly. She glares at me after that one, which I probably deserve. "Too many memories." She replies and it takes me a minute to catch up. Is that the reason she's giving for tossing her childhood bed?

"Jess," i hear her call as I draw her blinds shut and start toward the door. "You claim there was no truth said tonight." She pauses, whether for dramatic effect or just to compose herself, I'll never know, before going on. "But most of tonight you spent repeating that you loved me and want to be with me again..was there no truth in that?"

I don't answer, don't want to entertain the thought just for her amusement. I'm tired and I feel strung out. "Sleep it off, Rory." I snap and pull her door closed, walking from the kitchen to the entryway in very few steps and sliding the key up again from where I'd left it. "Jess!" She shouts from her open window, as I shove the key into the lock of the front door, on the outside of her house once more. And of her life too.

"Stay with me tonight." She whispers, her voice pleading and vulnerable. I can't tell if she's about to cry again or if she's preparing herself to throw up some more. "Can't." I return the key to it's stop under the turtle and walk right up to where she's hanging out of the window.

She smiles, thinking maybe I've changed my mind and am going to climb back in to be with her — through the _same_ window I yanked open the night Luke first brought me over here to meet Rory and intended to escape out of.

"Go back to bed, Rory. Keep the bucket close and let the booze be phased out by sleep." She sighs and then holds out a hand out for me. "Last chance?" She offers, swaying back and forth on the balls of her feet. I decline and point to her bed behind her, which I can only make out the general shape of, through the curtains she's only half pulled back.

I walk away, knowing she won't stop pleading with me until she thinks I've left and realises there's really no point. Which there isn't either way but she's too scattered right now to pick up on this. But I don't leave right that second, of course I don't. I made a promise to Luke and to Lorelei to see her home safe and damn me if she clambers out of bed and hurts herself.

I listen out for her and can't hear anything so I cautiously approach the open window, poking my head in. I let out a breath I hadn't realised I'd be holding in when I see her slumped in bed, covers askew and her hair fanning out, slightly knotted, across her purple pillow case. I grasp the hatch on the inside of the window and slide it down, retracting my arm at the last minute so that it doesn't close on my wrist.

"Goodbye, Rory." I say to the empty night air which surrounds me as I approach my car, slipping inside quickly. All feelings of relief or as though I've accomplished something actually remotely worth while tonight — _seeing that the bride's daughter gets home safe and tucked up in bed is considered an achievement, right? Surely, if that said bride's daughter was drunk and teetering on the edge of fatigue_ — disappear.

Rory still has my car keys. I groan and climb out of the car again. There's no way I'm going back into her house, at least not tonight there's not. So, being the only thing I can think of, I scratch the back of my head and start back down her familiar driveway on foot. I'll have Luke drive my car up to Philly when he and Lorelei get back from their honeymoon.

They're only going two nights, after all. Luke's too much of a homebody to be away from much longer than that. He also doesn't entirely trust Caesar again yet since that time he went on that boating trip and came back to find the diner's bench sticky and stained. Caesar may make a damn good burger but that doesn't mean he wins the cleanliness award of the month.

Luke and Lorelei's wedding and that chaotic night which followed was five whole years ago now. And I haven't see her since. Until now, that is.


	2. Chapter 2

**since it would only let me choose four characters to list in the story's main description, i'd just like to list [by order of appearance] all the characters this fanfic features: _Jess Mariano, Rory Gilmore, Lorelei Gilmore, Luke Danes, Richard Gilmore, Babette and Morey, Emily Gilmore, Lane Kim, Sookie Saint James, Taylor Doosey, Lane's twins: Kwan and Steve, Zack, Caesar, Paris Geller, Doyle AND finally, Logan Huntzburger._**

 **CHAPTER TWO / RORY**

I touch down in New York at 5am in August. It's a Tuesday and it's raining as the cab driver helps me heave my bags into his boot. I thank him, tucking my hair behind both ears and slipping into the backseat, glad to be out of the rain. My bangs are sticking to the side of my face, going frizzy from getting wet.

I rummage around in my purse for my phone, almost shouting EUERKA when my fingers curl around the familiar cold object the size of my hand. Almost, but not quite. There's no reason to give my cabbie a heart attack as he crosses Brooklyn Bridge. I hold down the lock button, waiting patiently as the iconic white apple symbol sets into the screen, lighting it life once again. There's two missed calls from work and four from Mum, a text from Luke and another from Lane.

Luke's reads "Hey, Rory. Hope you had a good flight. Look, I'll cut straight to the chase, your Mum's driving me batty. Will you please call her back? She's worried sick and googling how many planes have unexplainably fallen from the sky in the last decade…please just let her know you arrived in one piece. Love, Luke." He always signs off his texts like their letters. It makes me smile, but Mum cackle and tease. In a loving way, of course.

I don't bother typing out a reply, knowing he wouldn't expect one. I'll do what he asks, right after replying to Lane since the phone call with her is likely to occupy my time a little longer than quickly jabbing out a response to my best friend. Lane's message is short and sweet, just like her. "Fly safe! So excited to see you! Though, notably not as much as Steve and Kwan are to see their favourite - and only - aunty! xx" I grin and type out a reply, feeling butterflies surge up inside of me at the thought of seeing how grown my best friend's sons have gotten since the last time I visited them. It had been too long.

Next she hits one on her speed dial and barely two rings in, is met with her mother's shrill scream. "RORRYYYYY!" I pull the phone back from being fully flushed against my ear and laugh. "Hey, Mum. You wanna warn me before you do that next time? You may've just rendered your daughter hearing impaired at the rip old age of 27." Now it's Mum's turn to laugh. "Fair call. I offer my deepest apologies and half a pop tart as a peace offering.." "Why only half?" I ask, holding my phone up with my shoulder, while searching my bag again, only this time it's for lipstick. "Because I may be eating the last one at the present moment and I can't guarantee Luke'll make a trip to the Doosey's for more before you get here tomorrow." Half of what Mum says is muffled and drowned out by chewing.

I roll my eyes. "I'll make the trip for you, Rory!" I hear Luke's voice ring out from the background. "Lorelei, what are you telling her that for? You know how much the kid loves pop tarts, god you'll scare her half out of coming if you keep that up!" I laugh.

"It's not my fault Rory's been away all this time and missed out on the last pop tart. I promised her half. That's the best I can do." "You just ate the last half!" "Oh, guess I did. Whoopsie." Mum giggles. "God knows where she got her pop tart addiction from, huh?" Luke jokes pecking the side of his wife's head. "Mum, tell Luke i'll love him forever if he makes it to the market for a fresh box of pop tarts before I arrive tomorrow afternoon, but if not, it definitely won't stop me coming home." I finally cut in. "Got all that, did 'ya?" Mum's voice is faint so I assume it's because she's drawn the phone away from her mouth.

"Yeah, I did." Luke replies. "Well, what d'you want me to say as your response?" "Tell her I—oh this is ridiculous, just give it here." I laugh as Luke's voice suddenly fills my ear. "Hey, Rory. It's Luke." "Hi, Luke. How are you?" I ask, casually. "I'm doing good. Better now that you've called your Mum. I'm telling you she was manic last night." "WAS NOT!" I hear Mum protest childishly.

"What are you guys doing awake so early?" "Oh, your Mum wasn't awake, but man, did she shoot up in bed the minute her phone went off." He laughs. "I'm going fishing, so I was in the shower. Always a good idea to catch the fish by surprise, the closest to dawn as you can get will do the trick." He explains solemnly. "Right. Makes sense." I reply, trying to match his serious tone. "Awright, well I'll put your Mum back on, she's practically shuddering with excitement. Good to hear your voice, Rory. You sound happy..exhausted, but happy." He adds. I smile. "Thanks Luke. Same goes for you."

"Don't snatch! What are you, four years old?" Luke's voice is suddenly very far away and I hear Mum blow a raspberry in response. "Awright. I'm leaving." Luke says, his voice getting further and further away, clearly as he heads out the door. "Fine! Have fun!" Mum shouts back. "Mum, did you seriously just blow a raspberry at your husband?" I say, feeling like a third wheel of this conversation, despite being the one who called her. "Yep. Why?" She smacks her lips together on the "yep." I sigh and rub my eyes. "Go give him a hug or something. You shouldn't be so short with him. You know you got lucky with Luke, right? Not every grown man would be willing to tolerate all your quirks." "Ouch." She forges hurt. "Your words are like bullets." She says, throwing in a faux sob for good measure.

I roll my eyes and glance out the window. The sun's only just coming up. "Y'know i don't mean it like that. I just meant, he's good to you." "Yeah, you don't think i know that, kid? But fine, if you insist. Hold on." I hear her thunder down the stairs and throw herself in Luke's arms. It's clear she's still holding the phone, otherwise I wouldn't be able to still hear their muffled voices. I tune out, not waiting for the inevitable smooching sound to echo down the phone line and instead, run my eyes over the collection of skyscrapers we're speeding past. I'd almost forgotten how much I love New York.

"You still there?" Mum's voice cuts through my thoughts about the few visits I made to this city as a teenager, still living in Stars Hollow and with hardly any experience with a city. There was that time that Mum and Sookie took me, Paris, Madeline and Louise to a Bangles concert when I was sixteen and then the day of Mum's graduation from business school when I ditched school to see…Jess.

His name drops like a rock in my stomach. The last words I said to him echo in my head. "Stay with me tonight. Last chance?" I want to slap myself. It was like I'd lost all sense that night. What had I been thinking, asking him to spend the night with me. God. I want to groan and bury my face in a pillow. The humiliation comes rushing back in waves, as though it's the next morning all over again and I'm waking up alone with a splitting headache, a really upset stomach and a tongue which felt like sandpaper. That one hungover alone was enough to swear me off drinking for the rest of my life.

"Yeah, I'm still here." I blurt, finally remembering Mum's still waiting on an answer. "And here I was thinking I'd been the one to put our conversation on hold." She jokes, gently. "Where'd you go, kid?" She prods. And I can't tell her. We've never discussed that night. She never asked me what happened when Jess took me home and I never thought to bring it up. No use dwelling on the past.

And based on our history with boys, Jess specifically, I only really tell Mum the significant stuff. The small stuff, like I don't know - hitting on your ex boyfriend from high school at your mother's wedding to his uncle after having said no to a marriage proposal from your college boyfriend - well, let's just say isn't as important as one might think. I didn't want to make things awkward for Mum around Jess, since I knew it was likely she'd have to face him in at least a few Danes family encounters in the future now that she finally married Luke.

"Nowhere." I reply, yawning. "It's so early." "I know." She sympathizes. "Gilmores don't do early mornings." "Danes' do though." I point out, smirking. "Hush now." Mum rebuts, her voice sharp. I laugh. "Oh, come on. Have a sense of humour, would you?" "I can't have anything at…" She groans, stretching across the bed to check the clock. "5:36am. Jesus." She finishes. "Well, I'll let you try and drop back off to dreamworld then. I should go, gotta give the driver more instructions, now that we're in the city itself." "Yeah, okay. Be safe, kid." "Always am, Mum." I chirp. "Was the flight good?" She asks, flopping back into her pillows.

"Yeah, t'was fine." I mumble, sinking back against the carseat. "I love you, Rory." Mum's voice turns serious, though it's soft and I realise I'm losing her to sleep. "I love you too, Mama." I whisper and end the call. I glance up at the driver. "All good?" I ask. He clips a nod, not drawing his eyes away from the road. I smile, knowing I got a good one and feel safe to lose myself in my thoughts again. You never know these days, whether you'll get a driver who knows what he's doing and can safely - and independently - guide you to your destination or if you'll get one of more inexperienced ones, fresh out of the coup, and needing constant confirmation they're taking the right exit or have turned onto the right avenue.

I should probably send an email through to work, letting them know I landed safe and sound and that I'll get to the meeting at 3pm this afternoon at the NYC office. Leaning down to unzip my backpack, I pull my MacBook from it's case and lift the lid, signing into the company's mail homepage.

"Here we are, Miss." The cabby's voice cuts through my mind and my eyes flutter open. "Oh, I'm so sorry for falling asleep." "No problem. That'll be $15.80." He taps the meter and I nod, prying my wallet from my bag and handing over the cash. "Keep the change," I add as his fingers close around the $20.

"Why, thank you, Miss." He replies as I unbuckle and open my door, stepping out and stretching. Without a second thought, the driver's opening the boot and lifting my bags out. "Do you need help taking them inside?" He offers, squinting up at the hotel he's pulled up in front of. "No, I should be fine. But thank you." I pull the handle up from my suitcase and plant my backpack firmly on the top, wrapping the straps around the handle and giving my suitcase a nudge so that it tilts and rolls willingly.

"Have a nice day." I call, waving over my shoulder. "You too." He whistles, recognizing the hotel brand and ducking his head as he climbs back inside the taxi. I don't watch the yellow car pull away from the curb but rather head straight inside. The doorman dips his head, holding the lobby entrance wide open for me. I thank him and smile in response, moving quickly through the doorway.

I head up to the counter, glad there's no cue this early in the morning. "Name?" The concierge barks, not glancing up from the computer screen. "Gilmore, Rory." I recite and pull my passport from my bag to offer as identification as well as my credit card, though the company pays. I watch as his fingers fly across the keyboard, spelling G-I-L-M-O-R-E and then how his hand flies to the mouse, swift and rehearsed actions as though he's done this a million times, which is likely to be the case. By his lack of enthusiasm and cheeriness, I doubt this is his first day.

"Ah, yes. We were expecting you at 6am sharp." "Yes, that's right. I flew in from Monaco this morning, you see and got caught in traffic travelling back from JFK airport." I explain and he nods, disinterest plain across his face. He reaches for my passport and flips it open, eyes flickering from the photo to my face. I try to smooth my hair down in an attempt to look remotely presentable and realise my breath is really bad.

The concierge clicks his tongue and flips my passport shut, sliding it back across the marble reception desk to me along with my room keycard. "We hope you enjoy your stay at _The Surrey_ hotel." He forces a grim smile and then with a flick of his wrist, our interaction is granted over and a gruff businessman in a suit with only carry on luggage is hustling up behind me. I hastily grab ahold of my bags and move along.

Luckily the lifts don't take too long to come down and the ding is almost immediate. I'm glad when the doors slide shut and it's just me shooting up to the 5th floor, lacking the company of the grouchy suit and briefcase man from before. I don't bother unpacking anything since I'm only here for one night and dump all my stuff against the cupboard. I slump to the floor to unzip my boots and carefully place them off to the side so I don't trip over them later. Moving over to the windows, I search for the familiar greenery of central park. The Surrey's view never disappoints and it only takes me two skims over the view to spot the treetops. I sigh and bring the curtains shut, wanting nothing more than to just collapse and sleep off the jet lag.

According to my clock, still being on Monaco time, I've lost five hours. I shimmy out of my coat, fling it over the chair by the window and pull back the covers, messing up the perfectly made bed and dropping some of the huge decor pillows to the fluffy carpeted floor. Climbing up into bed, I let myself finally relax and realise how much tension I'd been holding in my shoulders as they start to ache. Flinging out my arms, happy for the cold smooth comfort the fresh sheets bring, my hands collide with something small, round and hard. "Chocolates!" I exclaim, gleefully and tear off the gold wrapping, not checking the brand or flavour.

I'm happily surprised as I bite into the middle and a coffee coco flavour fills my mouth, melting on my tongue. "Life is good." I whisper, closing my eyes tight and sleeping off the nine hour flight.

I wake up, with my eyes slightly sticky and my head spinning. It isn't great but I stumble out of bed anyways and make for the bathroom. After washing my face and brushing my teeth, combing my hair and applying the slightly bit of makeup, I move back into the bedroom and think to check the clock. It reads 1:58pm and I almost topple over. I slept for almost eight hours straight, without even meaning to. I mean, it wasn't like I didn't get any sleep on the flight over. I think I was out for maybe three hours or so. Still, it seems I needed to rest more than I realized.

I kneel down to my suitcase, pushing it on it's back and unzipping the lid, groaning at the mess it's become. I meant to pack it neat and tidy..but well, time got away from me on my last morning and before I knew it the driver that was sent for me in Monaco was downstairs to take me to the airport and I had to get a move on quick smart.

In ten minutes flat, I've chosen an outfit, got changed and swapped the purse I'd been using at the airport and on the plane to a more practical tote bag that can fit my computer and my folder. I check that I've got my company card and click it onto the hem of my pants, where it belongs. Not bothering to check my face in the mirror one more time, I head out and leave the heavy hotel door to click shut behind me in it's own time.

I take the lift down to the lobby and bypass the reception desk altogether, slipping through the revolving doors. With August being the last month of New York's summer, the rain this morning surprised me but thankfully it seems to have cleared up now. I decide to wander down to Central Park on foot, thinking I'll flag down a cab after exploring a bit. I check the watch I quickly clipped onto my wrist before heading out, doing the calculations in my head to leave enough time to make it from the park to 22nd avenue before my meeting starts.

There's a lot of families about playing ball games or having picnics, women pushing strollers and skinny people jogging by the river that runs through the west side of the park. I pass by a bench where an elderly lady feeds the ducks and another where a teenager - who's likely skipping out on school - sits with a macbook balanced on his crossed knees and chunky headphones over his ears. I decide to go off the path and through the trees, seeking out the heart of the park and when I glance over the boy's shoulder, I see that he's mixing beats through protools. That makes me smile. While, I don't support kids avoiding school, at least he's doing something constructive. It's probably his passion, too.

I hear his voice before I see him. It's not loud exactly but the wind carries it far and I find myself stopping still, weak at the knees and with a bubble of denial floating up inside of me. _There's no way, it can't be_. I must have heard wrong, I think as I scan the crowds scattered across the open area I've come to.

There's a woman running with her dog, there's five people, in their early twenties maybe, two girls and three guys kicking a footy to the far left of me and then there's a girl struggling to walk three or four dogs since each lead is tugging her limbs in different directions. Okay, so none of them are him, I breathe in and out, calming my racing heart and spinning head. It's the remainder of the jet lag playing tricks on you, I think to myself and raise a hand behind my head to make sure the french braid I've perfected from my school years at Chilton is still in place.

But no, it seems I missed a whole group of guys from my early assessment of who's in the park. They come into my vision now, and it's unmistakable that the voice I heard is real and coming from the honest flesh version of him rather than the memory which exists inside my head. He stands with three other guys, under a tree and laughing.

I can't move from this spot, I can't remember where I am or why I'm here. If you asked me what year it was right now, I wouldn't put it past me to say 2006 instead of sixteen. It's like my whole body is suffering from a chemical reaction just at the mere sight of him. He hasn't had this effect on me since that day I got home from that summer student government program in Washington Paris and I went on in high school to see him pressed up against a tree with Shane.


	3. Chapter 3

**CHAPTER THREE / JESS**

Jax mumbles something about a girl standing a little to the side of us who keeps eyeing our group off. Most of the boys just ignore him, but that doesn't mean he looses interest anytime soon. He becomes distant from the conversation and eventually Mark nudges him and tells him to "cut it out, you're probably creeping the poor girl the fuck out." We all burst out laughing. "Jess.." She says from behind me. "Is that you?" That shuts my friends up. They each look from one another to me, and back a few times. "Do you know her?" Jax mouthes, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively. I roll my eyes and then glance over my shoulder.

"Rory?" I smile, there was no mistaking that voice, it set every hair on my body up on end. The next thing I know she's hugging me. I hesitate before bringing my arms gently around her and returning the favour. "It's so good to see you! I can't believe it's really you! Oh my god!" Her breath is warm against my neck and I decide it's about time to pull apart. Our audience blinks and a few months open and close, evidently wanting to speak and then thinking better of it.

Rory glances around the group and then back to me, her cheeks colouring. I realise she's trying to communicate something to me through her eyes, like we used to be able to do when we were younger. _She's waiting for me to introduce them._ "Oh, right! Sorry, where am my manners?" I joke, holding out a hand. "Everybody, this is Rory. Rory, this is everybody. That's Seb, Mark and this here, is Jax who was undoubtedly checking you out for the last twenty minutes and most likely making you extremely uncomfortable." I slap him affectionately on the back. All the boys laugh, but Rory only fidgets, forcing a smile.

I find myself being transported back to that night in Stars Hollow five years ago, as she kissed me fiercely in the pantry. It's as if I can still feel the trace of her fingers across my bare skin and her lips along my jawline. I shiver, forcing myself to set the memories — oh so many memories — aside and be in the present. And yet, she's here too. In the present, in the past — there's no escaping her. Just when I think I'm rapidly approaching a Rory-less future, there she is, popping up again in Central Park of all places in August.

"It's really great to meet all of you." Rory nods to each of my friends, snapping me out of my thoughts. "Jess, um, could I maybe speak to you one on one for a minute?" Her face is pleading and anxious. Am I making her that way? Surely not. I nod and she starts off, expecting me to fall into step beside her but I linger a moment due to Jax's hand on my shoulder.

"One on one, hey? I want the details later, bro. Forget nothing." He laughs, a mischievous expression on his face and Mark only rolls his eyes, forging disapproval. I can tell they're all thinking the same thing and they couldn't be more far off. There's nothing between me and Rory. Nothing long-lasting anyhow, nothing either of us deserve. And it's been that way since she got off that bus, headed for school and i stayed on it, headed for my father and answers i never did get.

I shrug Jax's touch off and catch up to Rory in few steps. "So, fancy seeing you here, of all places." I quip and then mentally kick myself. What am i, eighty suddenly? Nobody says _fancy_ anymore. She only laughs and nods her agreement. "Yeah, i know. Pretty crazy, huh?" i always could count on rory to not pull me up on my dorkiest moments. she was the one person i learnt to drop the facade around, to be honest with or as honest as i could at seventeen having no clue who i was or where i was going in life.

"What are you doing here, Rory?" i ask as she glances around us. "oh, i've um got a meeting." she stutters. "you sure?" i tease and she looks panic stricken. "what do you mean? yes, i mean, i'm pretty sure." i laugh. "no, i didn't mean— oh never mind." i don't bother trying to explain i was poking fun of how uncertain her voice had been when she'd mentioned a meeting as though it was something she was asking me rather than telling me.

"so, those friends of yours?" she tilts her head in their direction. "they seem…nice." she finishes lamely. i smirk. "yeah, they might appear a lil indecent but they're good lads. loyal, y'know? we've stuck by each other through a lot. Seb was actually at the open house i invited you to, remember? yeah, anyways, he was uh.. part of the publishing house who published _The Subsect_ so we've been mates ever since." she nods, smiling. "yeah, i thought i recognised him from somewhere when i spotted him across the park." "well, that'd be the book launch." i say. she nods again. "yeah, thanks for clearing that up for me." she laughs and i look away.

this is pathetic. i knew things might be a lil awkward the next time we saw each other after the wedding but i never could've anticipated this. "why did you..um..wanna talk one on one?" i ask, even though i can tell it's not something she wanted me to bring up by the tense expression that crosses her face at my mentioning it. "oh, um.." she pauses, regaining her composure.

"I was wondering if maybe we could…" her voice trails off as she fiddles with her watch. "yeah?" i prompt as rory's eyes grow wide. "oh my god. is that the time?" she holds her watch up under my nose and then grabs ahold of my wrist, yanking my sleeve up. "rory, hey." i say, touching her shoulder, trying to calm her down. "why don't you wear a watch anymore?" she demands as though this is my fault. and here i am still not fully aware of what _this_ even is. "what's wrong?" "i have a meeting." "so you've said but i don't—" "I have less than five minutes to get across to 22nd avenue. is that far from here?" i gap at her. she did not just ask me that. "oh rory." i face palm myself and she laughs though i can tell it's not sincere and is more out of nerves than anything else. "y'know i've never been a natural at New York." she tries to explain. "it's okay. c'mon. i can get you there." i pull her after me as we head to the nearest edge of the park.

i point across the intersection, you wanna cross here and turn down that lane, then walk up a block and you're there." "okay, that doesn't seem too bad." she replies, nodding and repeating my directions under her breath to commit them to memory. "yeah, but it's New York. the streets are chaotic, they take more time and patience than any sane human has to work your way through." i grimace. "do you want me to escort you?" she shakes her head, grinning. "no, jess. thank you though." she touches my arm. "but i'll be alright. i can do this on my own." i nod. "well, okay, if you say so." "but i would love to meet up after? if you're free?" "after the meeting?" "yeah." she tucks some hair behind her ear.

it feels as though my stomach has summersaulted into my mouth. she wants to catch up? my mouth is dry and i can't stop clenching and unclenching my fists at my sides. so i stuff them into my pocket so she doesn't notice and remember how i used to do this whenever my mind was racing. "sure. i mean, i should get back to my mates but later should be good." she smiles and kisses my cheek slowly, carefully. when she draws back, we're much closer than we've allowed ourselves to get since the pantry. "thank you for making time for me. the meeting's at 3006 22nd avenue. d'you wanna just meet me outside the building at around 4pm?" i nod. "sounds good." "great! thanks jess." she calls, backing away, not tearing her eyes away until the last minute and breaking into a jog across the road. she's lucky the lights went red so she could cross.

i wave as she disappears down the lane i pointed out only minutes earlier and turn around, touching a hand to my jaw. well, that certainly was something i wasn't expecting to happen today. i think to myself, making my way back over to the guys. "Hey, look, the prodigal son has returned!" Mark jokes waving me over and Seb smirks. "So that was her, huh? The _famous_ Rory." I bite my bottom lip. "Yeah, that was her." i glance over my shoulder, one hand in a pocket, as though she might reappear back where i first saw her.

"she didn't look like somebody who was over you." Mark remarks, tentatively. "Cut it out." i whack his arm as he laughs, shoving me back. "I'm just calling it how i see it." "Yeah, well maybe it's time to get a prescription because your eyes are playing tricks on you. That's not how things are with us, with Rory and me." "Mate, you're totally whipped." Jax tilts his head at me, faking sympathy. "Am not. You're full of shit." Seb gives me a look. "I gotta agree with Jax on this one, Mariano. Your whole demeanour changed when she approached the group."

"Oh, yeah? And how's that?" I challenge, still trying to sort through the many emotions and thoughts that i felt and had laying eyes on Rory again after five whole years. "It was like y'know the rest of the world just dropped away and it was only the two of you, like you only had eyes for each other and we became like trees or something." Jax explains, taking over and running with Seb's earlier comment. He uses a faux sweet voice as though narrating some cringe-worthy rom-com that boys only ever sit through to get their girlfriend to put out. They all crack up laughing.

"Since when are we noticing things like our demeanours, anyway?" i remark, looking bored. "what do you say we start to head back?" the boys nod and we start walking. "but don't think you're getting out of telling us what went down during your precious little _one-on-one_ , spill the beans, Mariano." "well, _Jones_ ," i exaggerate Seb's surname. "nothing much really." "pfft. really, pulling the nothing much line? thought you were better than that, Jess." Jax chimes in, offering me a condescending tone.

"She's in the city for a meeting and had to run off so we're gunna hang out after." "NO shit!" Mark exclaims, thumping me on the back. "Looks like there's hope yet for the _JessandRory_ love story of '02!" I laugh as we stop at the lights, waiting to cross. He says our names as though they're one word. "Nothing's going to happen, guys. It's probably just gunna be a quick cup of coffee and a brief recount on what's been going on for her and for me and then we'll say goodbye again." just like always, i add in my head.

"Nah, i don't think so, man. i reckon she's gunna throw you by suggesting some rebound sex." "what?" i blurt, almost gagging. "who would she be rebounding from? as far as i know she hasn't—" "What, you reckon she hasn't gotten any since you were together? since she was seventeen? Please, with an ass like that, i'd bet you bottom dollar she'd be getting some every weekend." i punch Jax. "Don't talk about Rory like that, dude. I mean it. She's off limits for that kind of talk, you hear me?"

"Hey, relax. Okay?" Mark intervenes, stepping between us as we turn the corner, putting as much space between me and Jax, who's now puffing his chest out at me as though just daring me to have a go at him. "He was only teasing, Jess." "Yeah, well, don't. Not when it's got to do with Rory." "It's a sensitive topic for him." Seb puts in, giving me a proud look as though he thinks he's helping. Jax looks ahead as we walk, his tone blunt. "Yeah, well it seems more and more stuff has been a sensitive topic for him lately." "Great, just keep talking like i'm not here, why don't you?" I retort, sarcastically.

"Mariano, what is with you? Are you still hung up on that chick from the park or something? Because you've been on edge ever since we ran into her." "Just lay off." Seb tells the others and pulls me aside once we get back to the New York head quarters of Truncheon Books. "Jess, i'm worried for you, man." "what? why?" i pick up the pile of mile on my desk as we move into my office and flick through it. "This thing with Rory, I don't know if it's a good idea." "Seb.. you can't be serious? You too?" "Me too, what?" "You're going to lecture me about this too?" "No, no, not lecture." He shakes his head and leans against my desk as i move around the office, briefly reading notes and reminders i've plastered about the place.

"i just want you to be careful, guarded." "Guarded, huh?" i repeat, giving him a look like _this is so a lecture_ because we both know it is. "the last time you saw her…well, it took a few weeks for you to go back to being yourself, let's just leave it at that, shall we?" "Seb, i didn't—" He holds up his hand, letting me know he wasn't finished. "Look, Jess. You're a big boy, you can take of yourself, i get it. But being the other friend, i've gotten used to looking out for you, okay? and i just don't want to see you get tossed to the curb again with this girl. i know there's some history between you guys as high school sweethearts or something, that i don't fully understand but every time she's reentered your life since i've known you, all she's done is cause trouble."

"It's not like that. Rory's not like that. You just haven't spend enough time around her, that's all." "You're probably right. i mean, i haven't spent any time around her, but i have spent time around you and the last time you crossed paths with her, i distinctively remember you moping about your place, not agreeing to come out with me and the guys on the weekend and being a significantly more spaced out version of yourself." i open my mouth to argue his point but he keeps on. "I'm not trying to tell you how to live your life or to avoid this girl, i'm merely suggesting you don't get your hopes up this time." "Oh, you're only _merely suggesting_ , huh?" i retort and we both laugh.

"Look, you're gunna do what you want, no matter what i say." "Damn right i am." "I just thought i might as well.." "might as well, what exactly? Throw your two cents in just for the hell of it?" He pushes himself off from my desk as i slump in my office chair and walks toward the door. "Forget i said anything." "Seb." he stops before the door way, glancing back at me. "thank you for looking out for me. you're a good mate." he smiles. "but just because you're older doesn't always guarantee you know better, awright?" his grin only grows. "wouldn't have it any other way." he salutes me because that's just a thing we've always done to sign off to each other and wanders back through to the main room.

the phone on the desk rings and i snatch it up. "Hello, Truncheon Books NYC, Jess Mariano speaking." "Jess, my man! it's matthew!" "Matty boy!" i smile, as the familiar voice fills my ears. "Just checking up on how our New York office is operating?" Laughing, i reply; "things are good here. not as busy as we'd like, but y'know we're managing." "that's not what i want to hear. things are really that slow?" he tries to make light of it but we both know the stakes are high. Chris and Matthew are the ones who signed my book and they started up Truncheon all on their own in Philadelphia. After the success of my book died down, they offered me a job and i've been working with them at the publishing house ever since.

we only opened up the new york office earlier this year so things are still being shaky in terms of turning over a profit and getting the word out to budding authors to sign with Truncheon. Being far from a big name publisher, we're not exactly well-known outside Philly yet but we're working on it. "Nah, Matty, trust me, they're going good. In fact Mark signed someone this morning." "Oh yeah, who?"

Matthew and I talk for another ten minutes or so and then he puts Chris on to say hello. Before i know it i'm calling to the guys that i'm going to finish up early for the day and catch the subway uptown to meet Rory.


	4. Chapter 4

**CHAPTER FOUR / RORY**

I'm surprised to feel butterflies erupt in my stomach as i ride the elevator down to the lobby after the board meeting. Does the thought of seeing Jess again really have this effect on me? I think to myself, watching the floor numbers lights grow lower and lower. i'd check i look okay in the mirror but i'm not alone and don't want the other people in the lift to think i'm one of those preppy superficial girls who's only in the building because her rich daddy works here or something.

i'm both relieved and terrified when the ding of the elevator chimes and everyone tumbles out. as much as i've been looking forward to spending time with Jess all afternoon, I can't help being reminded of the last time we were alone together and how foolish i acted. Even though he has every right to an explanation and an apology, i'm crossing my fingers that he doesn't bring it up.

I swipe my ID card and walk through the baffle gate before it slides shut again, passing the reception desk and finally walk through to outside. i look around me as people rush this way and that, ascending and descending the steps in a hurried fashion. so many unfamiliar faces, and then… a single familiar one; his. he smiles and holds a hand up in a sort-of half wave. i smile back and then look up to the sky. Dusk is fast-approaching and the clouds from earlier have disappeared, the left side turning a warm pink/purple tone as the sun dips.

it's beautiful but not as beautiful as the boy who waits for me. i start down the steps and letting myself forget for a moment all that's happened between us, i rush towards him. it's as if all the years we've spent apart have disappeared and we're right back to how we were at seventeen. i jump into his arms and he's surprised but he's quick to catch me and hold me up from falling. i laugh, happy and hug him. and then the most amazing thing happens; he hugs me back.

he even turns a little, spinning me. we're both laughing by the time he places my feet back down on the ground. i pull back, but leave my arms around his neck. i rest my forehead on his. he takes a deep breath. "Rory," he warns, though his voice is gentle and kind not harsh like i was expecting, like it sometimes used to be. "I know." i reply, taking a deep breath myself. The scent of him is so familiar, so comforting — something which reminds me so much of home, yet exists so far away from it.

"i know." i repeat, because neither of us is letting go. "but we're not doing anything wrong." i say, looking down. "yet." he finishes for me. i smile and then he's letting go and stepping back. he glances around us, as though only now noticing where we are. "shall we?" he holds an arm out, clearly happy to ignore whatever just passed between us. so i do the only thing i _can_ do in this situation, i nod, and we fall into step together.

"how was the all-important meeting?" he asks. "oh, it went great!" i reply and start to tell him what i was presenting and how the board reacted. it feels good to share my day with him. he listens intently and asks a question or two, interested to know what it is i do. we're not holding hands and we're not a couple, but as we turn off 22nd avenue and stand to join a swarm of maybe twenty others waiting at a pedestrian crossing, _we could be_ i think to myself.

to the people on the outside, to the people crowding us, to the people who fleetingly glance in our direction as they weave their way through the chaos that is New York. they don't know our story, our history, our _past_. to them, we would look like a couple, a guy having picked his girl up from her work and who are now heading out for a bite to eat together.

"and how was the rest of your day? what'd you and the guys i left you with at the park get up to?" i ask, after we've talked enough about me and work. "oh," he seems thrown by the question, as though somehow the thought of discussing his day and his life hadn't occurred to him. "well," he starts, his voice slightly unsteady.

"Jax, Mark, Seb and I headed back to Truncheon shortly after I saw you off and basically just got back to work. I took some phone calls, reported back to Matty, sent a status report to our Philly office, replied to some email enquires and that was pretty much the extent of it." "Wait, Truncheon?" I look to him for an explanation, racking my brain as to the last job I knew of Jess having. it was an author. "Oh, right."

"I forgot you didn't…" His voice trails off. He clears his throat. "Wait! Wasn't Truncheon the publisher behind your book?" He looks to me, surprise and awe crossing his face together. "Wow, Rory, that was…that's impressive. You remembered." I nudge him. "of course, i remembered. it's not everyday your ex boyfriend gets a book published." The label of ex-boyfriend stings us both, if the cold closed off look on Jess's face is any indication to go by.

"i mean, i've only reread it about fifteen times!" i swap tactics. "you're not serious. you did not reread that thing." "oh, no, i did. fift—" "fifteen times." he finishes for me. "so i heard." he does that lip curling thing he used to do when we were younger. it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. it's good to know somethings never change, some habits and characteristics, of people who haven't been part of your life in years but who meant so much to you, are still there, still apart of them. even if you, yourself aren't around often enough to notice.

"You know I love your book, Jess. It's still the best thing in the world for me to hold it in my hands and know you made it. You actually sat down and—" "Stopped shaking it around?" He offers, quoting what I told him when he first handed me the book at my grandparents' place. I smile bashfully as he smirks. "You remember that." He dips his head. "Of course, i remembered that." "Well, anyways, what were you saying about Truncheon?"

"Right, we got off topic a bit. Well, basically the press started to get a bit more attention a couple months after my launch and Chris, one of the two originals who's started it up, offered me a job since i'd been picking up some errands and tasks here and there for them — nothing official or anything, just a helping-out-a-buddy kind of situation, y'know?" i nod and he goes on.

"Anyhow, I've been working full-time for them ever since and just this year, they expanded, renting out an office here in New York." "Oh my god, Jess, that's awesome!" "Yeah, so we've been up and running for a few months now and nothing's going terribly wrong yet, so i guess we're doing alright."

"you always do this." i nudge him as we walk. "you always downplay what you're doing or working on as though it's no big deal. you did it with the novel and you're doing it now with this. it's a huge deal, jess. i'm so happy for you, that everything worked out and you've got a steady job, doing something you love." "i wouldn't say _love_ exactly, but it pays the bills…and i get to read manuscripts and sought out new authors which is fun." i smile. "that's so great." "yeah, it kinda is." he replies, slowly. "also those mates of mine from the park earlier?" "yeah?" "i get to work with them too." "really? hah, that's cool. you guys must get up to a lotta mischief being stuck in an office all day together."

he laughs. "nah, not really. we're grown-ups now, you know how it is." he nods sincerely, a look of fake professionalism on his face. we both laugh. it's so easy to revert to just being a kid again with him, to joke around and to laugh stuff off. i hadn't realised how much i needed to laugh.

"so how long are you in the city for?" he asks. "just tonight and tomorrow morning. i was planning to drive down to Stars Hollow after that—hey!" I interrupt myself, a thought too exciting to ignore flashing through my mind.

i move in front of him and we come to a stop in the footpath. people not even bothering to groan or click their tongues at us, but rather just shoving past, moving around like this happens all the time. which i guess, in New York, it does. "hey, yourself." he mocks and i bite my bottom lip, half smiling up at him. "what?" he says now, searching my expression for telltale signs of why i've stopped us.

"you should come with me!" "come with you where?" "come with me to Stars Hollow." He looks at me as if i've grown another head. "Rory, no." His voice is incredulous. "Why not?" I put a hand on his arm and he looks down to my touch and then back up to meet my eyes once more. "That is a terrible idea." He remarks and then starts walking again, giving me no choice but to follow him. "Jess, wait, what makes it a terrible idea exactly?" "The last time i was in Stars Hollow was for Luke's wedding, Rory." "…Oh." i swallow, my cheeks starting to burn.

Jess looks to me and looks away fast, throwing his gaze out to the billboards, the buildings, the dirty tattered cement sidewalk, the pothole out on the road, the roofs of taxi cabs which dot the distance — basically anywhere but back to me again. "Now you see why it would be disastrous for me to go back."

"I think disastrous is taking it a bit far." I reply, giving him a look like he's exaggerating because he is, though this proves more of a challenge than it should be since he won't meet my eyes.

"Well, you might but i certainly don't." "Jess, just stop for a second." i reach out and grab his arm, leaning down with my hands on my knees, panting and trying to catch my breath. "Bloody hell, you move fast. since when do you power walk for god's sake?"

He's watching the bobbing heads of the people behind us, still stubbornly not looking at me. "It's new york, rory." he says, his voice tired and a little condescending if i'm being entirely honest. "if you don't move fast, you'll get squashed." "right, okay." i stand back up and he pointedly looks to my hand on his arm until i remove it. "geez, what is with you?" he's acting even more on edge than he used to and that's saying a lot since he was never exactly a calm person.

"i just can't believe you would suggest such a thing." "why, jess? what's so crazy about you coming home with me?!" i explode. "oh, i don't know, rory! maybe the fact that the last time we were both in that town at the same time, you pulled me into a pantry at your mother's inn and sucked face with me!" "oh geez." i scrunch up my nose at him. "do you really have to use the phrase _suck face_ , how old are you, jess, 9 years old? nobody says—" "or how about how the last time i was in the _oh so lovely and quaint_ Stars Hollow, i asked your mother if she approved of us being together!" I blink, close to the brink of bursting with shock.

"Um….WHAT?!" Okay never mind close to brink, i _am_ bursting. "JESS WHERE DID THAT COME FROM?!" i yell and he looks around us and grabs my arm, pulling me into an alley way with nothing but the dumpsters of some Chinese restaurant in it and a cobbled floor. "I know i've always said New York is loud, but honestly Rory, if anybody can give it a run for its money, it's you. You've got to stop randomly shouting at me in the streets." i blush and then push the humiliation aside. "what did she say?" "what did _who_ say?" a beat and then, "your mother?" "yeah. when you asked if…" i can barely get the words out.

"uh.." he touches a hand to the back of his neck. "rory, can we please not go there now?" i sigh, and look to the sky, trying not to be fed up with him. "if not now, then _when_?" "i don't want to talk about this with you."

"don't." i snap. "don't, what?" "don't you dare go to run away again." "rory, i wasn't going to run away." "multiple times today you've just walked off from me and i've had to catch up and i'm tired of this, Jess. this whole nonchalant unattached attitude of yours. i'm not buying it. Not for a second." He looks me dead in the eyes and says with absolute conviction, "I'm done running, Gilmore. If there's anything you can hold me to, it's that at least."

I swallow and don't let myself look away. Right when I think he's beginning to lean in, and our faces are just inches apart, a siren blares in the distance making me jump and hit into Jess. He cups his nose, rubbing it and smirking at me. "Did you seriously just jump at the sound of an ambo?" I blush yet again and whack his arm, glancing behind us back out to the busy street. "It's not like I'm used to the sound. There aren't exactly a lot of ambulance sirens going off in Stars Hollow." i reply.

"Yeah, but it's not like you've spent much time there lately anyways." I pause, letting that sink in. Jess's jaw tightens like he's afraid he might've insulted me somehow. "Rory, i didn't mean for that to come out…well, harsh. i know you probably miss home so i'm not doing you any favours by bringing it up, i'm sorry." "Jess, it's fine. And i was the one who brought it up, remember?"

"Right. You're right. You did." He gestures back to the street. "We should probably keep moving. The city only gets crazier once nightfall hits." The moment has clearly passed and he's not leaning in anymore, in fact he's leaning away if anything so i agree and we merge back onto the busy street, turning left at the next corner we come to.

i no longer recognise where we are but have complete trust in Jess to lead us where we need to go. "Wanna get some food?" I ask after walking in silence — save for the horns of passing traffic and shouts of angry cabbies and street merchants — for several minutes. Jess smiles at me, a really true one which was always rare.

"I thought you'd never ask." He replies, before asking me what I'm in the mood for. I tell him to surprise me before getting a distinct craving for Italian. "Actually, a pizzeria might be good. I'm sorta feeling an Italian cuisine now.." He laughs. "Of course you are." "What is that supposed to mean?" i banter and he gives me a look. "C'mon Rory, d'you honestly think i'd forget your very specific cravings?" He laughs and the colour in my cheeks still doesn't weaken. "well, no, i guess not." "i remember this one time, we were eating indian and watching _The Breakfast Club_ and you suddenly turned to me and said you just _had_ to have.."

He proceeds to talk about all these scenarios from back when we were dating that i'd get an intense craving for something random or totally uncalled for. After about ten minutes or so of reminiscing, he abruptly comes to a standstill and i bump into his back because we'd been forced into a single file after turning onto an already packed sidewalk a few hundred metres back.

"Jess!" I rub at my shoulder, squeezing to stand beside him. "Why'd you have to do that?" He cranes his neck to look at me, his face expressionless. "We're here." And then he takes a step forward and drops down a few cement steps, not saying anything more.

i look for a sign but there isn't one, before copying him. "what is this place?" i ask, peering through the fogged windows with bright red trimming. "you'll see." he replies, mysteriously and pushes open the door, causing a bell to ding over head. he holds it open for me and i walk inside. we're underground a lil now by descending from the street.

"table for two?" the waiter bows, giving us a warm smile. Jess nods, placing a hand on the small of my back. I look over my shoulder at him. "Your coat?" He asks and i realise that's why he's finally initiating contact between us. I undo the buttons on my trench coat and he hangs it with his own wore jacket on the hooks by the door.

the waiter leads us to a table far from the entry way and pulls the chair out for me. i thank him and sit, before he passes us each a menu and darts off to deliver someone's order. I look at the cover of the menu. "Da Nico's." I read aloud and Jess tips his head to me. "Good observational skills, Gilmore. Looks like we'll make an FBI agent out of you yet." I laugh and open the menu, skimming the choices. "It's cute." I remark after glancing around. "Small."

"Snug." He corrects. "Snug." I try the word out for size. "It's the New Yorker equivalent of small." He explains and i smile. "Oh, right. Aha, that's a good one." "You ready to order?" "Yeah, i think so. How about you?" i look down to his untouched menu.

"Oh, i already know what i'm going to get." "Oh, yeah?" "Yeah. I love this place, could recite their menu off by heart." "Is that so?" I'm intrigued now. "Come here often, do you?" i try to not sound too eager, too pushy for intel on what his life is like here. "Often enough." He replies, casually shrugging his shoulders. "Take all your hot dates here, huh?" The waiter arrives before he can answer. I pretend to not be disappointed.

Whenever it seems Jess and I are finally slipping back into that easy, quick-witted banter that used to come so naturally to us as teenagers, something happens to throw us off course and we get interrupted. First an ambulance siren and now a waiter with a bow tie and curly moustache.

Jess leaves it to me to reel off my order first and then he whispers something to the waiter afterwards. the waiter nods, once, twice with recognition dawning on his face. "Of course, Mr. Mariano." And then he's rushing away again. I plant a look of curiosity on my face, not asking him what that was all about but not exactly letting him get off on not talking about it either.

Jess only shrugs and leans back in his chair, pushing up the long sleeves of his shirt to bunch up at his elbows. "so, maybe _often_ has a few definitions depending on who you ask." is all he'll say about it and right as i decode that he's referring to when i asked him before whether this is his regular place to eat, he changes the subject.

as the waiter delivers our food, he leans down to meet Jess's eye. "He wanted me to tell you, you're not to leave without first poking your head in the kitchen to say hello." Jess nods, not giving away what this means or who _he_ is. "Thank you." The waiter bows once more and darts away. "Well, dig in." Jess spreads his napkin on his lap and reaches for his knife and fork. I smile. "What's that look for?" He asks and this time it's my turn to shrug, uncurling my napkin and placing it on my knees.

Jess smiles back and we start eating. "What do you think?" He asks after a few minutes of us just leaving the other to chew. I swallow and rest my cutlery on the edge of my plate. "It's delicious. Brilliant, in fact." Jess beams, as though this is a compliment to him personally. "I can't believe after all of that, you didn't even order pizza." He reminds, lifting a forkful to his mouth. "What can i say? I felt like pasta all of a sudden." I shoot him a cheeky look and a _ha told you so_ expression rests on his face. okay, so maybe he was right earlier, when he said my food cravings can change in an instant.

"that looks good too." i add, eyeing off his plate. "wanna try some?" "really?" i ask, suddenly reminded how whenever i'd make a grab for _his_ food in the past, Logan would give me this half annoyed half teasing expression and tilt his head and say to me, " _really, rory? if you wanted what i got why didn't you just order it?_ " and i'd have to explain "what would be the fun in that since then we'd have two of the same whereas now we have two different dishes and can share either." he never did get it. but he tolerated it…

"Rory?" Jess's voice pulls me back from the memories that cloud my brain without warning. I push them back into the box with a lock and a key in the corner of my head and reach across the table to fork some of Jess's meal and plop it in my mouth. As i'm doing so, he sizes me up. "You okay? You seemed to…go somewhere else for a minute there? did i loose you?" I chew and then swallow. "No, you didn't loose me. I'm right here." i reply and he rubs his lips together. "well, good."

And i'm not even going to attempt to comprehend what the belly flop and racing heart that occurred inside of me meant. after all, he said this in such a way that it were the most insignificant thing in the world. so clearly, he wasn't reacting remotely near the ways i was. i also don't spend too long thinking about how he so willing gave me rein of his meal and even tried a bite of mine, so i wouldn't feel bad stealing from his.

after we finish eating, he stands and tells me he'll be right back. i go to protest but don't. i'm not sure what stops me but i don't want to cause a riff between us, however small. i just want things to stay the way they are— friendly, casual. i assume he's gone to see his friend in the kitchen like the waiter advised him to but when he returns, he's holding our coats. "You ready?" He asks and i nod, startled and push my chair back from the table. "Yep, sure." I stand and he passes my trench coat over which i slip my arms into the sleeves of straight away.

"We're going to take a different exit than the one we came through originally, if that's okay?" i grin. "sure, that's okay. what are you up to, Jess?" he smirks and leads the way to the kitchen. i follow suit. "you're about to find out." he answers a beat later as he returns the wave of a waiter at the other end of the restaurant who okays us going through the swinging doors of the kitchen.

Jess holds it open for me and i draw it closed after us, trying to stop it from swinging too roughly. "WELL IF IT ISN'T JESS MARIANO! WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN, BOY? IT'S BEEN TOO LONG!" An unmistakably Italian voice booms, only slightly tainted by a downtown Brooklyn accent. Jess manoeuvres his way around a stainless steel spotless bench top with racks of saucepans and pots and ladles hanging overhead to reach the owner of the voice.

"Nico!" Jess is suddenly being enveloped in a hug by this short greasy looking Italian man of at least 60+ years who never the less, looks extremely kind spirited with a round face, welcoming brown eyes and curly black hair. Jess pulls back and slaps the man's shoulder affectionately. "Good to see you, my man." He replies as the so-called Nico's eyes fall to me. Jess immediately straightens up and comes to my side, reaching out his hand.

i glance down and without hesitating even a second, thread my fingers through his and follow his lead as he tugs me forward to be introduced to this Nico character. With out hands interlocked again, it's like the world has both stopped spinning and sped up all at once. i feel more calm and centred than i have at any point in the last five years but i also feel exhilarated and energised in ways i don't recall since..being seventeen.

"Nico, this is Rory. Rory Gilmore." I smile with my mouth shut, unsure of why Jess repeated my name that way, and feeling strangely nervous. Should i be nervous? Is it a big deal that he's introducing me to Nico of Da Nico's restaurant in Little Italy, New York?

A look of confusion dances across Nico's face and then something else. It's as though he's remembered something or be reminded he has a certain chore, like hanging the washing or feeding the dog, to do. "Ah. Miss Gilmore, pleasure." He reaches for my free hand and kisses it. i've never entirely understood this European greeting as i've always kind of found it a little gross. he doesn't know where my hand has been and right now, it probably smells like his food and feels a little warm due to the nerves. though, as i glance around his kitchen, i realise he's probably more than used to the scent of food.

"nice place you've got here." he lights up and grins at the walls and staff darting around us, who are busy adjusting nobs on stoves and shaking frypans and stirring pots mercilessly. "you think so?" he replies and Jess looks from Nico back to me in the spare second that Nico's focus is elsewhere as a chef holds up a spoonful for Nico to taste. It must pass the test as Nico merely glances back to us quickly and the chef nods once, racing away to add more sauce.

"we sure do like it." Nico adds. "it was good to say hello, but we really should take off, Nico." Jess says after a minute or so, shifting his feet. "oH, but did you order dessert? you must have dessert!" Nico announces, speeding away. Jess angles his body to face me, now that we're alone. Or as alone as you can be in a kitchen with a staff of about 11 people all busy and focused on close to twenty different tasks.

"i'm sorry, i know you probably want to get out of here. and i promise we'll leave as soon as he comes back. i just owed it to him to at least say hey, you understand that, don't you?" "of course, i do, Jess. You have nothing to say sorry for. Honestly, it's completely fine, more than fine. he seems really sweet." "Yeah?" "Yeah." i repeat and Jess starts tracing circles with his thumb on my palm. "Well, good. I'm glad you feel that way because this restaurant means a lot to me and it was a big deal for me to share—" "HERE WE GO!" Nico comes bustling back and produces two plastic to-go boxes. Jess smiles and takes them, tugging our hands free quickly to position them under one arm, half hugging Nico all the while.

"I'll be by again soon." He promises. Nico holds a finger up. "You better. We miss you too much around here if you don't drop by." His english isn't the greatest since it's obvious he migrated here from Italy, itself. "Yes, yes." Jess assures as Nico extends his arms to me, hugging me too this time. "Lovely to meet you, Little Miss Gilmore. You so tiny, Jess here must bring you back and we put some meat on those delicate bones of yours, hmm?" Jess swallows a snort and i smile at Nico's open and caring eyes. "Sure thing, sounds like a plan." I answer as Jess takes ahold of my hand again. It was as though it came as an instinct to him, as though he acted without thinking it over first. I can't explain how happy that makes me because to be quite frank, i don't entirely understand _why_ it does it the first place.

"Thanks for the desserts, Nico. And for the meal too, it was incredible. It always is." Jess goes to move around Nico who waves us over and returns his attention to a stove to the right of where we'd stood. "Yeah, thank you so much!" i second. "You have a good night now, Jess and Rory!" He calls without looking back over his shoulder. Jess smiles at a few other chefs as we reach the door and i grab the handle so he doesn't have to let go of my hand or drop the desserts. "Thanks." He tells me as we go outside and i draw it closed again. We start to climb the steps. "Thank you for dinner." I tell him. "You really didn't have to pay." "It's okay, Rory. I wanted to. It's not everyday you're in the city and it was fun getting to take you out to one of my favourite places."

"Yeah, i certainly got the impression you're more than a regular." Jess laughs, swinging our arms. "Yeah, you could say that." "so what's in the boxes?" I ask after we've walked a block or so in comfortable silence. "I'm not sure, wanna check it out?" "oh, that's alright, we can always wait until we stop somewhere." i say, not wanting to cause a hassle. "no no, it's fine, we can check now." he pulls me aside, out of people's way as much as you can be in New York and places the packages on a ledge, dropping my hand to open one up. i mask my disappointment by bringing my coat tighter around me and leaning up on tippy toes to peer inside.

the first box contains mud cake and whipped cream with a strawberry. the smell carries in the night breeze and i smile, closing my eyes. "hmmm." i sigh. "that smells so good." Jess laughs and closes the lid, hooking it back into place and passing it to me to hold. as he does so, our fingers brush and an electric current might as well have passed through us from the way he bounces back. neither of us acknowledges it, so he lifts the lid of the second box. it's a blueberry pie, again with whipped cream and some scattered raspberries and sugar on top. "Which do you want?" Jess asks, bringing the box down from the ledge and hooking it closed again.

we start to walk again without agreeing to, but this time we're not holding hands. instead we're each holding a to-go box. "i'm not fussed. you decide." i offer. Jess shrugs. "i've never been picky. you're the visitor, you choose." i bite back a retort and just go with the plainest response. "well, i'll have the mud cake and you have the pie, makes the most sense since that's what we're each holding." "alright." he agrees, as we stop at a crossing. "did i do something..?" i start. "something like what?" he asks, as the light changes and we cross, people bumping and shoving their way past. i give this guy a semi-dirty look for elbowing me in the boob. that causes another memory to appear behind my eyes.

"hey, remember that withering stare i told you about the last time we were in New York together?" Jess doesn't even look my way. "Yeah." He says, his mind somewhere else. "Jess," i say and then again when he still doesn't respond. "Jess, hey." This time he looks at me briefly. "What is it? What have I done?" "You haven't done anything, Rory." He stops and then curses. "Except not tell me where your hotel is." I stop walking too and then think for a moment. "Oh, the Surrey Hotel." i remember. This morning already feels like a year ago. Was it really less than 24 hours ago that i touched down in this city?

"Right." Jess reevaluates. "We need to head west off 34th street and north on 52." He turns around and we start off in the direction we've just come. "Sorry. i didn't deliberately not tell you or anything, it just…it slipped my mind that you'd have to take me back to the hotel at some point. i mean, not _have_ to obviously but would probably offer to inevitably at some stage, because y'know you're polite and all and i just completely lost track of time and—i'm blabbering, aren't i? if i'm blabbering you know you can just tell me and i'll stop. you know how to make me stop blabbering, don't you? heck, you had to deal with it enough when we were dating that you'd have picked—" "Rory?"

"Yeah?" "You're blabbering." "Right. Thanks for uh..telling me straight." "You said that's what i should do, you asked me if i remembered how to make you stop and it used to be by just pointing out that you were blabbering since it was generally something which eluted your notice. So i told you and now you're insulted, should i not have told you? did you not want me to tell you?"

"No, no! That's not it, at all! of course, i wanted you to tell me. it's okay, Jess. you did the right thing. i'm completely most definitely not insulted, please don't think that you'd insult me like that and that i'd take things so literally, i really didn't.." He gives me a look as we stop at another set of lights and i go quiet. "sorry." i squeak, swapping the package from one hand to the next. "it's alright." he tells me, licking his lips and pushing hair back from his face.

"we should be at your hotel in about twenty minutes. unless you wanna catch the subway?" he suggests. i shrug and then think better of it, realising he'll probably option for the latter of the two choices. "i'm good with walking. in fact i could do with a walk." "okay." "not enough people walk these days, have you noticed that? what with skateboards and rip sticks and scooters and bikes and taxis and subways and buses and tram cars and everything else there is. hardly anybody walks in America anymore, or the rest of the world for that matter. walking's important, it's a crucial part of a healthy lifestyle balance. don't you think walking's important?"

"sure." he replies bluntly as we finish crossing and step back onto the footpath again, the cars starting up behind us, making hooked turns illegally and switching lanes, cutting people off who will flip the bird out their window by way of a response. "i don't know why i'm blabbering this much. i haven't blabbered this much since…well, i don't know when actually. maybe since i was in—" "Rory, we're here." "We're here? Where's here?" i glance up and the looming SURREY HOTEL sign answers the question for me or rather for Jess.

"Oh." i say and then face Jess under the awning cover of the hotel's main entrance. "does this mean we say goodbye now?" "probably." he shoves a hand in his pocket and holds out the to-go box. "why don't you take this too?" "what? Jess, i can't take your dessert." "Nah, c'mon, don't be silly. i want you to have it. you'll probably get hungry later and you can pack it away in that fancy mini fridge your room no doubt has. go on, Rory. i don't need it." he thumps his middle, suggesting he could loose a few pounds. my jaw might as well have hit the ground. "you're kidding, right?" i pause before rushing on, not wanting to loose my nerve. "Jess, you're one of the fittest people i know. i mean, look at you for god's sake, you're all muscle and you're not like super beefy and unappealing like those guys on the banners for protein powder or for gyms, y'know the ones?"

Jess just smirks to the ground, suddenly appearing so interested in studying his feet. "can't say that i do." he replies. okay, so i just called Jess fit and appealing…no big deal, right? i look to the revolving doors and gulp. i don't want this night to be over, not yet, especially not when i've just made it awkward again with my incessant blabbering.

"want to come up?" that gets his attention. "rory, i don't think—" "wait, wait. let me guess." i say, holding out my hand. "you don't think..it's a good idea?" he doesn't say anything and i know i've got him. "i'm not inviting you up for anything more than.." i hold up the to-go box. "..two old friends sharing dessert after dinner and a catch-up. that's all this is, Jess. There's no need to go reading too much into this."

I stride towards the doors and turn at the last minute, tilting my chin up at him, a challenging tone to my voice. "well, what will it be?" i call and he stands still, looking at me with no expression and then he looks over his shoulder as though someone from home might be standing there like Mum or Luke or Taylor Doosey to voice their disapproval. but nobody's there, of course, except the few hundred New Yorkers that fill the cars and buses and sidewalks. nobody's there _to actually stop us,_ to be more specific.

Jess is quick when he starts towards me and we're laughing, pushing our way through the revolving doors, stumbling into the lobby and passing the doorman who has a knowing look on his face. he probably thinks we're in love, or we're heading up to our room to have sex. but he's wrong, i convince myself.

"old friends, huh?" Jess repeats, as i reach out to press the button for the elevator. we stand together but with space between us, waiting. "yeah, old friends. what else would you call us?" i challenge. "well, earlier in the night, correct me if i'm wrong, but i do recall you calling me your ex-boyfriend?" the word sends a shudder through me. "so, you'd rather us be exes than old friends?"

"it's more honest, isn't it?" the elevator dings and i walk through first, spinning around and leaning against the pole that stretches across all three walls. "a little white lie never hurt nobody." i recite and Jess looks to the floor, as he follows me in and the doors ding shut. "what are we doing, Rory?" he tells me as i press a finger to my floor number's button. "you tell me." i answer, stepping closer, pushing him against the elevator wall. "Rory…" "Jess.." "You know how when i picked you up, you ran to me?" "Yeah?" i run my fingers along his jacket's collar and down his chest.

"why'd you do that?" "what do you mean?" i press my body against his own. "what made you jump into me like that?" i don't smile, the moment feels too serious, too fragile for that now. i also don't map out my answer and instead just say exactly the truth, not sugarcoating it or tweaking it to sound lighter. "it was an instinct. it was a reflex more than anything else. i saw you there and i just did it, i just had to get to you. there wasn't a lot of thought put into it, now that i look back on it. i guess, i just acted on impulse, for once in my life.."

i lean back and go to take a step away from him but then he does something i wasn't expecting, he rests a hand on my hip and pulls me against him again. we're both leaning now. if the wall was to give out, we'd be toast. but there's something exciting about that, somehow.

he bites his lip, not meeting my eye. "so we're going to do this, now?" "do what exactly?" i toy, wrapping my arms around his shoulders, still holding the to-go box in one hand, having dropped my bag to the floor. "i got to ask you a serious question. it only seems fair that you get to ask one back." i must look surprised because he does the _half-smile-head-tilt_ he used to do when we were together and he'd catch me off guard about something. "not what you were expecting?" "you could say that." i throw his cryptic phrase back at him. he realises this and seems pleased.

"okay," i tap my fingers on his back, thinking it over. "c'mon, rory, we don't have all night, y'know?" he reminds and the elevator suddenly confirms this by announcing our arrival on my floor. "and there's reality." he says as i push off him and peek through the doors. okay, so nobody's waiting for the lift at ten minutes to midnight on a Tuesday night, not exactly a surprise. i lean back into the lift and press the highest floor. "okay." i turn back to him as the doors slide shut once more and this time, place my to-go box on the floor, taking his from him as well, stacking them up against the wall, so we don't kick them over accidentally.

"where were we?"

his arms come around me comfortably as he fills me in. "you were taking uncannily long to think of a question." "oh, right. a serious one?" "a serious one." i laugh a little. "okay. how about this; when we were at the restaurant before…" "Da Nico's." he provides. "Da Nico's. Did i just imagine it or did Nico know who i was?" "well you _are_ a big time foreign correspondent so maybe he's read one of your articles before." he poses. "somehow…i don't think that's it." "oh, you don't, do you?" he smirks. "Jess…" i wait and when he still doesn't say anything, i remind him of our agreement. "I answered yours. You gave me one serious question as a reward and this is my question. So you have to answer." "Okay." he pauses and then tries again.

"i might've…mentioned you to him before..it's no big deal." he shrugs and reaches up to brush some hair from my face. i meet his eyes, our faces even closer now. "no big deal?" "no big deal." "bullshit. i'm calling it." i say and then our mouths are smashing together and i'm loping my fingers through his hair and he's wrapping his arms protectively around my body and lifting me. my legs are suddenly looped around his.

then….the ding of the elevator sounds. we break apart and Jess groans, not out of pain. "i'm gunna kill whoever created that damn sound." his voice is husky and i throw my head back laughing. "not if i kill them first." i say, kissing him slower this time. then i'm crawling down from him and lifting our stuff into my arms, tilting my head for him to follow me out.

"Rory…what are we doing? this isn't your floor." "i know, but that's what's fun about it." i say and dump my bag and our to-go boxes on the chaise lounge. "let's go to the roof." "the roof? i don't think the _Surrey_ has a roof." "oh, really?" i say and take his hand in mine, pulling him down the corridor. we search and search for a stairwell leading to the roof but sure enough, Jess is right. No roof.

"I can't believe there's no roof." i say, swinging our arms as we arrive back at the elevator again. Jess presses down and goes to gather up our stuff once more. "it was a cool idea." he sympathises and then we're walking back into the elevator. he looks to me before pressing the button. "floor five." i tell him and he clicks it. "so..should we keep going with the serious question game or..?" i suggest.

"you've got another then, i gather?" he jokes, as we stand side by side but not touching. "maybe." i reply, taking my bag from him. "thanks for grabbing this, by the way." i say and he clips a nod. then the ding and we usher ourselves out. i forget which direction — left or right that my room is in so we end up roaming the corridor for a while until we find it.

Jess doesn't say a word about it, though i know he's itching to voice some smug remark. i'm acting drunk even though i only had one class of red at the restaurant, so that can't be it. is it possible i'm drunk on Jess? on the adrenaline at seeing him again?

i scan the key card and shove the heavy door open with my shoulder, suddenly feeling the exhaustion from today consume me. we walk in and leave the door to shut by itself which is inevitably does with a neat click only seconds later. i toss my bag to the chair by the window and stop by the window to stare out at the lights and the busy city which doesn't sleep. "there's no way i could do it." "do what?" "not sleep." i reply as Jess carefully places the desserts on the marble table and glances around the room, stuffing his hands in his pockets again.

"not too shabby." he comments on the room and i shrug. "company's shout." i explain and he nods, as though this is the most normal thing in the world even though we both know it isn't for him. he joins me by the window as i speak again. "y'know how people have always said this city doesn't sleep…well, i don't think i could live like that. i like sleep too much." "not to mention you _need_ it." he reminds and i lean against the window frame. "always mr. logical." i say as he lifts his shoulders before letting them fall once more and doesn't laugh this time.

"it's your turn." i point out and without missing a beat, he's ready with his second question. "when we met up after your meeting and you hugged me…and said we weren't doing anything wrong..is that what this is to you? wrong?" "no, Jess. god no."

"well, it just sounded like maybe you felt—" i kiss him square on the mouth and meet his eyes, tracing my finger down his jawline, keeping our faces close. "this is not wrong. truthfully, this couldn't feel more _right_ to me." i insist and he nods, rubbing his lips together and looking away from me. i step back, return to my previous stance. "tag. you're it." he quips, though his heart isn't in that one, i can tell.

i lean over to flick on a lamp so we have more light illuminating us than just the faint glow of the far off city lights through the glass. "what did my Mum say when you asked her if she approved of us getting back together?" those words hit us both hard, i can tell by the way he almost flinches but doesn't stammer in his response, as though it's all on the line now and the stakes have been raised to high to mess around any longer.

the prospect of us actually trying things again, actually both applying ourselves this time, being older and wiser and more equipped now than before…getting back together really does seem like a mutual…what exactly? a goal, a wish, a hope, a decision, a consideration to be made? i'm not sure. maybe it's all of the above rolled into one big fat gigantic mess but one that we finally stand more of a chance than before of making sense of.

"i knew you wouldn't let that one slip by.." he touches a hand to his jaw and turns away from the window and then back again, only to look me dead in the eye. "she said she believed i had changed…that i had grown and if we were to try again, you and me, that she could see things unfolding differently between us."

"different, how exactly?" "she told me i'd have to be patient with you since…keep in mind this was at the wedding so she was referring to how…well, you'd just turned down Logan's proposal and were in a sensitive state, emotionally at the time.." i swallow, processing that, my mind more alert than it's been possibly all day. Jess goes on.

"she also said that it would take some honest effort to commit on your part." "but she believed we stood a chance?" "yes. she said she could see us working better now than we did at seventeen due to the fact that we've both grown up a lot since then and faced many changes—" "So she gave us her blessing?" "Her— Rory, what is this, the 18th century? Who says we need her blessing?"

"Just answer the question, Jess." "Okay, fine. Well, yeah, i s'pose, if you want to put it like that, she gave us her blessing. she didn't seem outrageously repulsed by the idea, if that's anything to go by." "ew, Jess, really?" he shrugs. "figured it was worth mentioning." i scoff at him and then kick off my shoes and drape my trench coat over the back of the chair. "look, i really need to pee but i'll be right back!" i dart into the bathroom and shut the door.

when i reemerge he's lying on his back on the bed, his legs hanging over the end. his eyes are closed. "Jess.." i whisper. he starts awake. "oh my god, i'm so sorry, i didn't realise how tired i was. it's been—" "a long day? yeah, tell me about it." i groan and climb up to lay beside him, us both blinking at the ceiling. "i was going to say so long since i've lied on a mattress this firm but yeah, long day works too." i laugh and he does too.

"wanna sleep over?" i ask and he turns his head to look at me. i roll onto my side, pulling my knees up to my chest, so i'm like an egg. "you still do that?" "you remember me doing this?!" i exclaim, genuinely surprised. "well, yeah." he says slowly, as though he's overstepped somehow. i smile, my eyes lighting up. "stay with me." "Rory, look today's been amazing but.." "i don't mean let's sleep together, Jess. i mean let's _sleep_ together." he studies me a moment. "sleep as in sleep?" "sleep as in sleep." i repeat and then push myself up and crawl further up the bed. he sits up too and watches as i toss the big pillows to the floor.

looks like the maid did turn down while i was out. "close the drapes, would you? i want to sleep in. i only flew in at 5 this morning and it practically feels like a year has passed in the span of day." Jess obliges and then stays standing as i tug up the tucked in sheets, ruining the maid's no doubt flawless work and pull the covers up to my chin, settling in.

"Jess, would you just get in here already? i promise not to sexually harass you while we lay beside each other, okay?" "can i get that in writing?" he laughs and i throw a pillow at him which hits the lamp on the table but luckily doesn't cause it to crash to floor

"that's yours by the way, so you might want to fetch that." i point out smartly and roll over, my hair fanning out behind me on the pillow. it feels so good to be back in bed. the cold sheets are reassuring and welcoming. "stop hesitating, Jess." i say with my eyes closed and my back to him, knowing perfectly well that he's overthinking this and too afraid of crossing some line.

i listen as he takes off his shoes slowly and arranges them at the bottom of the side of the bed and pulls back his side of the duvet. "you're letting the cold air in!" i exclaim and he almost jumps out of his skin. "sorry." he murmurs and i laugh, rolling back over to face him. "it's fine. geez, when did you get so jumpy, jack?" "Jess." he corrects. "i know. it was a joke. like a jumping jack? oh geez, you've lost your wit now too?"

he thumps his pillow and then lays down, on his stomach, finally settling in. "you're sure about this?" "yep." i reply, reaching out to pat his hair like one might do to a small child. "sweet dreams Jess." i tuck both hands under my pillow, still facing him and shutting my eyes again. "you too, Rory." he replies. "night." "night."

In the morning, i'm the first one awake and roll over to find Jess is facing the window with his bangs in his face. i brush them away and smile softly at his peaceful sleeping face. then i push myself into a sitting position and draw the covers back, careful not to snatch away his share. i reach across the mantel for my phone but then remember i never took it out of my bag last night. so i climb tentatively out of bed and tiptoe across the carpeted floor to slip it from my bag and plug it into the charger since it's gone flat. i flip the switch to silent to make sure the half a dozen alerts from work and Mum i've no doubt missed don't disturb Jess.

Next i head for my catastrophic bag and do my best to produce clean clothes. i compromise by re-wearing a shirt from several days ago, which luckily doesn't smell too badly of Monaco spices. i carry my bra, undies, jeans, tank top and button up to the bathroom, making sure to grab my perfume and makeup bag too. after the shower and getting dressed, i wander back through to the bedroom and am only mildly surprised he's still asleep with his arm draped over the pillow, hugging it to his face. i pick up the post-it sticky note i'd left on my pillow and scrunch it up to toss in the hotel bin. i just scrawled messily that i was getting dressed in case he woke up and panicked, thinking i'd done a runner on him or something crazy like that, and was too tired or panicked or a combination of the two to hear the shower running.

i'm just combing my wet hair in front of the mirror when he stirs. "morning sleepyhead." i say in a singsong voice and he moans slightly, shoving his face further into the pillow. i laugh and bound up on the bed beside him, shaking him awake. he stretches and then sheepishly blinks up at me looming over him, close to smiling. "what time is it?" his voice is husky and i grin, shaking him once more before pushing off his back and looking at the clock. "10am." "oh, boy." he yawns. "i overslept." "hey, it wasn't just you."

"oh, yeah? you wouldn't know it, would you? look at yourself, Rory, you're all stubbed squeaky clean and dressed to the nines." i blush and scoff at him, standing up again and returning to the mirror. "don't tease." "i'm not teasing. you look good." he murmurs, rolling over to watch me open my foundation. "well, you're not such an eyesore, yourself." he laughs and flips onto his back, looking at the ceiling and running a hand through his hair. "i probably look like i'm homeless. still fully clothed and in a hotel room at the Surrey. Not exactly how i expected my Wednesday to begin, that's for sure." i laugh, stroking my eyelashes with the mascara wand. "i still have to put on my makeup anyway."

"you don't need it, Rory. Never have." He replies sharply, not making any move to sit up. i pause, my arm frozen in the air, and process this. The appropriate response would be thank you but i don't think my tongue can manage even that now. "Okay, so i was thinking i'd call room service to bring us up some breakfast." i announce, after finishing up my makeup and kneeling down to make a start on packing my bag. "we could always just grab something on the streets…i know this really great bakery stand which does warm croissants or breakfast baguettes with salami and spinach and melted cheese and the most mind blowing pesto you'll ever come across—" "Okay, okay." I stand up, dropping the heels i'd been holding to the mountain of my stuff.

"i'm sold. i can do this later. let's go now." i stride across the room for my boots and perch on the edge of the bed to slip my feet inside and zip them up. Jess finally releases the pillow and sits up, yawning once more and rubbing at his face, getting the sleep from the corner of his eyes. "right now?" i smirk. "well, you're welcome to take a shower if you need. right through there." i point to the open bathroom. he follows my gesture and then shakes his head. "i'll just use the loo and splash my face." "with loo water?" he scrunches up his face. "no, Rory. Geez, how old are _you_ again?" he laughs and throws my phrase from last night back at me. i laugh too and he climbs out of bed, clicking the bathroom door shut behind him.

i unplug my phone and slip it inside my back pocket and grab my wallet, slipping my sunglasses through my hair, perching them on my head. it isn't longer than a few minutes until Jess re-emerges, looking significantly less like a zombie version of himself, having made a commendable effort to tame his matted hair and washed his face. "Ready?" "Yep." I reply and he puts his shoes on as i pull open the door. He wanders through first and i follow, this time yanking it shut myself.

we head toward the elevator, him leading the way, clearly better at remembering which direction it's in than me. neither of us mentions this as we wait for one to arrive. it's a longer wait than last night since i assume the hotel's naturally busier at 10:15am on an Wednesday morning than at midnight on a Tuesday night. i start to feel anxious, anticipating the tense mood that'll probably fall over us as we ride the elevator down, both trying to act like we're not thinking of making out in the very same lift last night.

but when the elevator finally does stop on the fifth floor to pick us up, my anxiety evaporates since there's a family of four already inside, a toddler on the father's hip and a boy about half her height, leaning against the mother as she rubs his shoulders. Jess and I both dip our heads at them by way of greeting and step inside, turning to face the closing doors. we share a look, possibly of combined relief and disappointment, neither one dominating over the other and don't speak.


	5. Chapter 5

**CHAPTER FIVE / JESS**

we exit the elevator, with the family following close behind us and merge into the lobby. as we're approaching the revolving doors, Rory lifts her sunnies down from her hair to cover her eyes. i push the door through and we step out onto the street together, the sun bright and warm. "it's this way." i point right and she nods, following into step beside me easily. we move in silence, still not speaking. i don't know what to say, where to start.

last night was confusing. we called each other "old friends" and "exes" but we held hands and made out in a lift, riding it higher than we had to. she asked me to spend the night and even though, we both kept our clothes on all night, right down to socks, i still can't shake the feeling there was more behind it.

i don't reach for her hand this time and she reveals nothing about how she feels about this or if she even notices it at all. the food stand is further from her hotel than i initially thought, so i stop and face her. "wanna just take a cab? i think it might actually be quite a hike, now that we're outside and i can fully get my bearings." "oh. right. okay, yeah sure that sounds good." she answers, thinking it over and we flag down a yellow taxi, her sliding through first. i tell the driver the street, adding that he can drop us at either end, whichever's easiest for him and this earns a tight smile.

most drivers appreciate little compromises like that from their passengers as it saves them turning down a certain narrow adjoining lane and risk stalling at the transition to merge back onto the main road, _all so_ the people can get out as close to a shop as possible. usually there's always a much quicker route which doesn't test their tolerance and just involves only a few metres of walking on our part.

"thank you." Rory tells him, reaching into her wallet, batting my hand away and handing over the money herself. The driver thanks her also and twists around to pass her the change. "you've got a keeper here, mister. a girl who's not hesitant to reach into her pocket to cover things, ain't that a rare thing." he tells me cheerily, waving us off. Rory lets out a nervous laugh and gets out of her own side this time. i slam the door and tap the roof, giving him the a-okay to pull away from the curb. Rory joins me on the side walk, glancing around us.

"so where are we?" she asks and i tell her as we start down the street. "it's not too far now." i add and she nods, taking our hectic surroundings in. if it wasn't for the sunglasses, i have a feeling she'd been looking a bit like a wide-eyed Bambi right about now.

it still amazes me how out of place Rory appears in a place any bigger than Hartford, Connecticut even after having left behind her home town almost a whole decade ago. she's traveled to places as remote as Monaco, Brazil, Japan, Australia, England and Sweden through living out her _Christiane Amanpour_ lifestyle and yet, she's always appears her most relaxed and happy with Stars Hollow as her backdrop, at least to me.

we stop and i smile at the merchant. "this is it?" she asks. "this is it." i reply and reel off my order as Rory's eyes skim the sign. "May i?" "Sure." she smiles, not hesitating to grant me permission to order for her. we stand off to the side as the two guys running the stand make up our breakfast. they hand them over in brown packaging. "you really didn't have to pay again." she points out. "well you got the taxi." i remind. "yeah, well you got the dinner last night at Nico's." "that is true but i did crash at your hotel last night, so technically i owe you big time for putting me up for the night." i peel back my packaging, ripping the paper bag.

Rory follows suit, as we keep an eye out for a free bench, walking away from the food stand and folds the wrapping of her baguette just like i have. "yeah, but it's not like you needed somewhere to crash, considering you do live in New York which would translate to you having a house or apartment of your own…yes?" when i don't answer immediately, she freaks. "Jess…you do have a place to go home to…right?" i tap my cheek which is full with food, to communicate why i'm not replying right off the bat.

after chewing some more, i swallow and grin at her, close to laughing but holding back. "yes, _Rory_ , i have a home. Geez, have a spasm attack much?" she rolls her eyes and shoves me, taking a bite of her baguette. "Don't scare me like that, god." "Technically it's not all mine." "What's not?" "My _place_. Seb and I room." I explain.

"Oh." She raises her eyebrows in reaction. "Yeah, i know. it's a little pathetic to still have a roommate at 27 but we're good mates and it's not like we're trading off on the futon or the bed each week or anything remotely college scenario like." Rory laughs. "Jess, it's fine, really. You don't need to justify it to me." "I know..i'm not. I just wanted to clarify that." She nods, trying not to laugh again. "Right. Well clarify, you did."

"Good." i stretch and watch as a greying woman with her prissy daughter who's practically drowning in shopping bags abandon a bench. "THERE!" we rush forward and bag it just in time as two guys come out of a clothing store with only female mannequins in the window. they cross their arms at us, clearly having intended to make a beeline for the bench. it's obvious they're the boyfriends of girls they've probably left inside the store and are understandably bored out of their minds.

Rory and i share a look, a satisfied smirk playing on her lips, but which she's kind enough to conceal as the guys reluctantly return into the store. "so you like it?" i take another bite. she grins. "love it. it's awesome, Jess. _Taste sensation_." i stop, mid bite. she looks at me, surprised.

"what?" she asks. "nothing, it's just…that's what me and Seb call it." she holds up her own baguette as though asking "this?" and i nod. "oh." is all she says, processing this. "weird." i remark and then go back to eating. she does the same only waits a little longer than i did. "what a coincidence."

 _it doesn't mean anything._ i firmly tell myself inside my head. just because Seb and i once made a wise crack dare about how if either of us were to ever find a girl that referred to the breakfast baguette stand as a "taste sensation" we were to marry her that instant…doesn't mean Rory's that girl..the _one_ for me or anything.

i don't dare let her in on this joke between Seb and me. truth be told, i don't see any good coming from it. "i want to see your place." she says suddenly as i'm finishing up eating. i would gap but i don't think that'd be much of a pretty sight right now and out of common courtesy for Rory, i ultimately decide against it.

"you want to see my place?" i repeat, to double check i didn't just have a stroke or something tragic and somehow mishear "i want a coke" for "i want to see your place." "Yep." she smacks her lips together. i look down to the remains of her breakfast. "you haven't finished eating though." i stall for time.

she grins cheekily, like she knows this is what i'm doing and isn't remotely bothered by it. next thing i know she's extending her arm out to me. "i'm full. d'you wanna finish it off or should i just toss it?" i blink at her, momentarily rendered speechless. "never in all the years i've known you have you been _full_."

this earn a laugh from her, her head leaned back and her eyes bright. "true. but i'm not hungry anymore and i don't want to stuff it down and feel sick later. i have a mini road trip ahead of me today, remember?" how could i forget..the one she invited me along on and to which i basically threw the invite back in her face by calling it a disastrous suggestion.

"y-you can't t-toss a breakfast baguette from Bert&Ernie's stand on Bay Parkway. it's practically a criminal offence." i stammer, making a grab at loose string, close to saying anything to veer us off this course, the one that involves her nagging me to take her to Seb and I's apartment.

"Bert and Ernie? Like the children's programme?" She tilts her head, studying me. "Yeah…it's the name of the brothers who run the stand." "Who was their father? Big Bird or Elmo?" She giggles. Rory…giggles now? it's such a girly sound, it sounds absurd coming from her. Not to say Rory's not a girl, of course she's a girl…it's just she's not _that_ girl who _giggles_ and flirts and bats her eyelids to get her way.

"You've got at least a third left." i inform to which she persistently shoves it under my chin as a response. "then you've gotta finish it for me. you said so yourself. one must never toss a most legendary breakfast baguette from _Bert &Ernie's _stand on Bay Parkway street." she recites, emphasising their names and mocking me all the while. i narrow my eyes at her. "fine." i retort, snatching it from her. She claps her hands, a look of victory on her face. "Aha!"

"So…how far is your place from here?" "from here? uh…" my voice trails off as i take a bite of her breakfast, having tossed the empty wrapping from mine into the nearby trash can already. "yeah, from _here_. i mean, it must be nearby, right? considering you and Seb come to Bert &Ernie's for breakfast regularly, right? i mean, maybe i'm reading too much into this, but that was the impression i got when you didn't even skim the options and suggested it straight away this morning, hardly even thinking about it, as though it was just naturally your first choice."

"yeah…" i reply slowly. "oh c'mon, Jess. what's the big deal in you showing me your place?" "i don't know, Rory. what's the big deal in you seeing it?!" i retort, glaring at her. she opens her mouth to reply and then shuts it again, hesitating. then she stands and adjusts her sunglasses. "okay, you don't want to show it to me, that's fine. i'm sorry i brought it up. it's your space and i shouldn't have overstepped." she turns around and starts walking away. "Rory, oi, wait up!" i call, pushing off the bench and running after her. "hey!" i grab her arm and pull her not roughly, back around to face me, causing her to stand still.

"don't do that, don't just walk off like this is nothing." i say. "you're right. it isn't nothing, is it?" she snaps. "huh?" i frown at her, biting into the baguette again. she tears it from my grasp. "can you just quit it with the breakfast roll for a minute, Jess?" i itch to correct her but i stay quiet and simply wipe at my mouth with the back of my hand, waiting for her to explain why she's snatched my food away.

"it isn't _nothing_ that you don't want me to see your place! it's hurtful to me, Jess!" "why?" "because!" "because why, Rory?" i jab a finger at her, not touching her but feeling myself growing more frustrated with this game of charades it seems we've fallen into a loop of repeating.

"because if we're going to be apart of each other's lives again, we have to be 100% honest, like you said Mum said and you keeping a part of your life from me, a huge part, isn't being honest!" "well, it isn't dishonest!" i retort. "it's acting misleading!" she shouts, glaring at me. "oh please." i scoff and move around her. "and there you go with the walking away again and just expecting me to fall into step behind you."

i spin around and hold out my arms. "fine, if you don't like it, then don't do it!" "fine! you know what? maybe i won't this time!" she spins around quickly, bumping into an old man trying to squeeze past her. she apologises profusely and then storms off, aggressively throwing the remains of what was first her breakfast and then mine into the first bin she comes across, not even stopping still to do so.

"UGH!" I groan, wanting to stomp too but knowing how immature it would look. instead i break into a jog after her. "RORY! HEY!" i shove my way through the crowd, unapologetically because it's new york and they should be used to people who are in a rush to get somewhere — or in my case, to _someone._ i catch up to her in not time and tap her shoulder. "Just don't bother, Jess." she shrugs me off and keeps walking and i have to be careful not to loose her.

i consider reaching to take her hand in my own again but don't see how this would help me right now. it's likely to just confuse the shit out of us even more than our time spent together over the last 16 hours or so, already has.

We continue in silence for a hundred metres or so until the sign of a new street appears in the near distance. "You wanna make a left here." I suggest and she finally looks at me. "And why would i want to do that?" "because it's the way to my house." she keeps her face stark of emotion, though i'm almost sure i see a flicker of surprise cross her features ever so quickly.

returning her gaze to straight ahead, Rory concentrates on weaving her way through the somewhat strong current of people moving in the opposite direction to us. "right." i tell her at the next corner and she doesn't show any indication of having heard me except for turning the way i advised. this makes me smirk. Seb better not be walking around in his boxers is all i can say.

"here." i say and then when i realise she hasn't heard me, again louder. "just here, Rory." she comes to a halt. "oh, here?" she looks up at the building. "yep." i tell her and start up the stairs, she follows and i shove my hand into the back pocket of my old worn jeans for the keys, grateful when my fingers come in contact with the familiar cold metal keyring because it means we don't have to buzz Seb to let us in. I don't even know if he's home or not. we walk through the doorway and i gesture that i've got to check the mail. she stands aside as i do so.

i fix the key into the lock and turn, swinging the tiny locker-like door open and reaching in to take out the five envelopes inside. Seb and i really ought to check the mail more often, i think to myself silently as Rory and i approach the stairs. i flick through the envelopes, landing on a water bill that's at least a week overdue. i gulp, hopefully we're not cut off again. i quickly shove that one to the back of the pack, so Rory doesn't get a chance to recognise the symbol of the water company and ask something painful like "you're having money problems are you, Jess?" because gulping at a bill is never a good sign. "we're on the second floor." i explain as we reach the first landing.

i watch as she looks at the lifts as we pass and start up the next set of stairs. "they haven't worked the whole time i've lived here." she raises her eyebrows. "oh, and how long's that been?" i pretend to have to rack my brain, even though i recall the exact day i moved in. "it'll be six years this October." surprise fills out her features. "wow, that's a long time." "yeah, kinda. i mean, technically i've come and gone over that time because of the working in Philly stint i did and crossing state lines to put the book in independent book stores..but y'know still counts."

"yeah, of course. so you still paid rent when you weren't here for all that time?" i nod. "sorta. i had some buddies crashing on and off so i charged them for like the rent and then i covered all the bills. or maybe it was the other way 'round." i try to think. "we landed on some agreement like that anyway." she smiles, nodding her understanding. "that's really smart of you, Jess, to utilise the space even when you were away and to get something out of it like that." i shrug. "well, it saved me having to haul my crap out and then back in again like ten months later, so y'know, everybody wins." she laughs.

we finally reach the second floor and i hold the glass door, that separates the elevator section/floor common space from the apartments, open for her to move through first. i follow and she looks back over her shoulder at me to check whether to keep walking or not. concentrating on sorting through my keys, i reel off the apartment number without looking up at her. "8B." "huh." she says, her eyes flying from door to door as we head deeper down the corridor. "huh, what?" i ask, holding up a key to my face, trying to find some kind of brand or symbol on it to indicate what it's for. i swear i've never seen this key before in my entire life yet it looks extremely old and well-used.

"oh, it's nothing. it's just…like my birthday." she says, her voice quivering toward the end as though she regrets saying anything in the first place. i look up as she stops. "aha here it is!" she squeals, excited. "i never thought of that before." i reply slowly. "but yeah, you're right.." i add. she starts to fiddle with her watch. "yeah..i didn't expect you to remember or anything.." "i remembered. October 8th, right?" she looks up and we both just stand there, feeling hundreds of miles apart but really with less than a metre between us. "i shouldn't have said anything..i didn't mean to make things weird." she blurts and i dip my head, moving past carefully. "nah, it's fine. no biggie." "yeah, no biggie. exactly." she repeats, processing this. i turn away from her to face the door and right before i jam the key in the lock, it swings open from the inside.

Rory gets a fright and my eyes grow wide as a result. "i thought i heard voices!" Jax's smug face blinks back at me. "I thought you said you lived with Sebastian.." Rory starts. "Or is this him—are you Seb? I'm sorry if i got you mixed up! i thought you were— " Rory starts to babble and i interrupt before Jax can use this as an excuse to re-introduce himself and touch Rory by shaking hands. I don't want his hands anywhere near her. "Jax, what are you doing here?" he smirks, glancing from Rory back to me a few THOUSAND times, acting mortifying obvious. "crashed here since you never made it home." he fills me in. "no use having a spare bed go to waste, now is there?"

"oh god, you didn't have sex in my bed again, did you? because if you seriously brought some chick back here last night, you're going in there right now and stripping the sheets, man!" i barge past him into the living room and his back hits the door. "hey dude, chill." he looks from me to Rory, holding an arm out for her to enter. she tries to smile at him and steps through the doorway. i can tell she's uncomfortable in Jax's presence, though it could just also be due to me saying the word sex. Rory never did like talking about shit like that.

"i thought you'd have mellowed out by now, since getting some and all last night.." i swing around, ready to throw a punch at him but Rory steps between us, quickly and firmly. she presses herself against my body. "he's not worth it, Jess. calm down." she mutters under her breath, a hand reaching up to rest on my neck, pulling my forehead down to rest against hers. is it possible she remembers this always used to calm me down back in the days that we were together whenever i got aggressive about something..?

Jax's smirk only grows over Rory's shoulder. he points to her leaning in to me and mouths "she's so keen for you.." and i take a step forward but Rory's ready and brings her arms around me loosely. "Jess.." she says louder this time, warning me. "okay, okay." i remove her arms from around me and pretend to not notice the hurt look that falls on her face in reaction to this.

"I'm gunna head out.." Jax's voice trails off. "what are you waiting for? a farewell parade?" i remark, turning my back on him and moving further into the apartment. "is Seb even here?" Jax doesn't answer me, instead i hear the door slam from behind. Rory flinches as i glance over my shoulder at her. i tilt my head forward, indicating for her to follow me.

"well this is the crappy kitchen." i joke and she smiles. "it is not that bad." she sympathises and i give her a look. "it's just _snug_." she remarks, a spark behind her eyes. i smirk. "it's tiny." we're standing in front of my bedroom door now and might as well wander through since Jax in all his charm, has left it wide open and the bed unmade and clothes scattered everywhere on the floor.

"And this is your room?" "My room." She nods, glancing around. I bend down to collect clothes. "It's usually not this messy…fuck what am I saying? It's usually worse." She laughs and moves over to the five or so polaroids that are in a neat line on the wall across from my bed. i shove the clothes into the dirty hamper and start to strip my bed. "here, let me help you." she comes over and starts pulling up a corner on the far side. "thanks." i mumble and we work silently.

"i'm kinda thirsty..could i maybe get myself a glass of water?" she asks after the bed's bare and i lug the new sheets and pillow covers off the top shelf of my wardrobe. "yeah, sure. sorry, i should've offered.." she shakes her head and leaves my room. "top cupboard, far left." i call out after her. i hear the cupboard squeak when she pulls it open all the way back in my room and silently curse. we _have_ to get that fixed, i make a note to pull some cash with Seb. it's been like that ever since we moved in. i listen to the tap run and then stop. and then she screams and it's a sound so horrifically unexpected that it cuts me to my core, it causes my bones to shake. i drop the pillow i'm trying to stuff into a shabby old grey case and bolt out of my room to the kitchen.

"RORY!" i stop and she's panting, a hand on her chest, but her face is smiling. Seb leans against his doorframe, a smirk on his lips. "hey, mate, nice of you to shout hello when you got in." I take a step forward and Seb and i slap hands and fist bump next. "i'm sorry for screaming." Rory says as soon as i meet her eyes. "he scared me." "i didn't scare her. i just came out of my room and she practically jumped out of her skin." Seb corrects, not looking at Rory. Rory nods. "He's right. it was all me. i thought we were alone.."

"so where were you last night?" Seb butts in, looking from me to Rory. "Crash with you, did he?" Rory turns red. "Uh, we—" I abruptly grab a tuff of Seb's shirt and pull him with me into my room. "Come, help me finish making my bed since Jax probably ejaculated on my sheets last night." i say loudly, leaving Rory slightly stunned alone in the kitchen. "Alright, bro. you can let go now." Seb pointedly looks down at his chest where my fist still clutches at his shirt. i let go and brush it flat again, erasing the creases i'd made. "there, _good as new_." i give him a warning look. "choose your next words very carefully."

he laughs and we both turn our attention to the bed, him picking up the corner of the sheet and shaking it out, layering it down over the mattress. i move around and together, we finish making the bed. "i should've ran Jax staying by you.." "Ya think?" i retort, stuffing the sheet under the corners. Seb rolls his eyes. "Geez, didn't she put out or something?" "What?!" i stand bolt right again, glaring across the room at him. he's still crouched down though, focused on tucking in. "wasn't the reunion everything you hoped it could be and more? i mean, something obviously went wrong or not the way you wanted..otherwise you wouldn't be acting so short with me."

"You have no idea what you're talking about. And what do people always say about how to approach something you don't understand…don't get involved!" Seb stands again and meets my eye, a serious expression on his features. "Jess, i'm not going to say it again, i don't think going there with this girl again is a good idea." " _this girl_ has a name." " _Rory's_ trouble, bro. i really don't think you've thought this through—" he exaggerates her name and my patience snaps. "i don't have to take this." i dump the duvet down and head for my door, not remembering when Seb shut it.

"Jess, don't be like that—" "Call me _bro_ one more time and i swear to god, i'll—" "You'll what?" he crosses his arms and smirks. "Throw a punch at me, maybe? But see, i don't think you will. You wanna know why? Because Rory wouldn't like that, would she, _bro_? She wouldn't approve of such meat headed behaviour, especially coming from—" "Okay, that's it." i take a step forward. "You wanna know something, Seb? i'm sick of you trying to tell me how it is. you can spin that story of you _looking out for me_ all you want but at the end of the day, we both know it's gone so far beyond that. You don't like Rory, you never have and you're pissed because she's back in my life—"

"I couldn't care less about her being back in your life! i just know how shitty you're gunna be when the hurricane that is Rory Gilmore disappears from your life again and i'm telling you i'm not gunna be the one picking up the pieces this time! i've had enough, Jess. i'm fed up! just because you had some fling in high school and never got closure on that, doesn't mean she's the one for you! you've got to let this go, man, it's pathetic. you've held out for this chick all these years, letting her just walk all over you and wander in and out of your life when she feels like it or when you happen to cross paths..by complete accident, i might add and i've tried—"

"well, you can stop trying, Seb. you're fed up? fine! you don't like this, fine! you don't have to! it's got nothing to do with you!" "and the way you treated Jax yesterday was ridiculous! you fucking completely—" Seb yells as though i didn't just interrupt him. "message received! you don't approve, you don't—" i ignore him and keep going until he talks over the top of me. "fine, so that's it then..you're putting her over us?" "over who?" "Jax and me! YOUR MATES, JESS! Who the fuck do you think i'm talking about?! Rory's back, so that's it..end of everything else that she doesn't like or that doesn't suit her or that you—" "you're the one who this doesn't suit! Rory's couldn't give a rat's ass about you or Jax! you're the ones making this difficult, making it into something it's not. Fuck, why do you have to do this, Seb?" "BECAUSE, JESS, BECAUSE YOU'RE TOO BLINDED TO SEE IT FOR WHAT IT IS!" "AND WHAT IS IT, OH ALL MIGHTY WISE ONE?!"

he shakes his head, looking away from me. "whatever, bro. look, you're gunna do what you do… and i'm going to do my own thing and maybe, y'know we'll—" "what the fuck are you on about now?" i spit, entirely confused. "you're choosing her, Jess. over your mates, over the rest of your life. you might not see it now, but i know that's what going on. first, you choose to stay out all night with her, not even letting me know you're not gunna be dropping by home, by the way. you could've been dead in a ditch for all i know, dude. after all that drugs shit that went down last spring, we can't go doing that on each other, just not coming home. and next, we'll see less and less of you until finally, you quick the publishing house and you're moving back to that hay bail hillbilly town of hers to procreate together and your days as a bachelor, as our buddy are over."

"YOU ARE TOTALLY OVERREACTING, SEBASTIAN! I CANNOT EVEN BELIEVE YOU'RE SAYING THIS! DO YOU REALISE HOW ABSURD THIS ALL SOUNDS?!" "All i know is the last time shit went down with Rory, we found you in a really bad place, man and i don't want—" "that's not going to happen again, Seb." i assure him. he shakes his head.

"whatever, Jess. i don't care. you're right, maybe i'm being absurd. maybe i'm just stirring up shit for no reason—" A door slam. It's unmistakable, the kind that leaves walls shuddering and a coldness spreading in your chest. Seb and i share a look and then i'm shoving past him, tearing open my door and running toward the front entrance. "RORY!" i shout, catching a glimpse of the back of her as she turns down the stairs, breaking out into a run.

"Hey, Rory, slow down!" she's rushing down the stairs, her hair flailing out behind her, her feet moving quickly. i almost trip but it ends up working in my advantage as it sees me tumble down a few more stairs and then i've caught up with her and manage to stop her. "what are you doing?" her eyes are red and puffy. "h-have you been cry-crying?" i stutter, unable to tear my eyes away. she shrugs my touch off, looking to the floor. "drugs, Jess? really?" her voice breaks and it almost kills me. i don't even try to make excuses.

so she keeps on, mistaking my silence for me being dismissive of the topic. "what, you honestly didn't think i could hear what you guys were saying back there? i heard every word, Jess! and it's clearly not just my imagination that your friends don't like me." "Rory, c'mon it's not like that."

"oh yeah, what's it like then, Jess?" she snaps, pushing hair back from her face. "there's stuff..look, seb, the boys and i…we go _way_ back..there's stuff you don't know, stuff that isn't..well..heavy stuff, i s'pose.." i don't really know how to explain so i stumble my way through and then grimace, knowing before she even opens her mouth, that wasn't going to be enough for her. " _we're_ supposed to go way back!" she shouts and i don't have time to hide my shock. okay..so that wasn't what i was expecting.

"you and i! we're the ones with the history! we're the ones that knew each other back when we were teenagers! you told me you loved me!" we both fall silent, Rory looks mortified at herself for saying this. "..that was a long time ago." i point out and Rory turns around in a huff, descending the stairs once more. "Rory, wait!" "you're right, Jess. okay, you said it..it was a long time ago. obviously it was stupid of me to think you still did. you can go back to your friend now and tell him there's nothing between us anymore. he's got nothing to worry about. i'm not going to steal you away. i'm not going to send you into some downward spiral again. we're done. you said it, not me."

"except that i didn't." "what?" she spins back around and i start down the stairs to meet her level. "did i?" "did you what?" "i never said that." "you didn't have to! it was obvious from the—" and that's when i kissed her.


	6. Chapter 6

**CHAPTER SIX / RORY**

when we break apart, i'm breathless and he rubs his lips together, a happy look dancing behind his eyes. "i'm sorry my friends are jerks but who cares about them? they don't matter, Rory." "how can you say that, though? they're your friends.." he shrugs, keeping his arms loosely around me, holding me close. i can feel his breath, warm and comforting against my neck. i take a few breaths myself, trying to calm my racing heart. how can he still do this to me, still have such an effect on me after all these years?

i guess Mum was right when she said to me chemistry never does entirely go away.. Given that she'd been talking about her and my english teacher Max Medina at the time, but that's not important.

"i'll sort things out with them when i get back. it'll give Seb and I both time to cool off." " _get back_? you taking a trip somewhere?" i banter with him. he grins. "yeah, you didn't forget, did you? you and me, we're off on a mini road trip tonight." i smile and hug him. "are you sure you want to come home with me? it's not going to be easy, Jess, facing everybody again.." "Yeah, but we'll be together this time. you won't have to deal with their judging looks and stickybeak questions on your own like last time." he whispers in my ear and i kiss his cheek. "do you need to go back up there to pack your things?" i point upstairs. "oh shit, right." he pulls back and kisses my forehead quickly before bounding back up the stairs.

"i'll swing by your hotel in about an hour, does that sound alright?" he calls over his shoulder. "yeah, that's good. i'll see you then." i shout back, as he disappears up the stairs. "okay! bye, Rory!" he replies and i laugh quietly to myself, turning the opposite direction and walking the rest of the way downstairs to the lobby by myself. i flag down a cab outside Jess's building and climb in the back, telling him the name of my hotel.

the taxi fare costs more than i was expecting but i don't mind since i'd rather pay a little more, than have gotten lost and had to call Jess, ashamed and embarrassed, to come and rescue me. that would've only confirmed what Sebastian was saying about us — that Jess drops everything to rush by my side whenever i say the word.

as i ride the lift back up to the fifth floor of the Surrey, i try to put his flatmate's accusations out of my head. he doesn't know our story, i tell myself. there's always been unfinished business between Jess and I, we've always been connected in some weird way ever since we first met when Luke brought him over for the welcome dinner/get together Mum and Sooki planned for Jess having just moved to Stars Hollow.

When Jess left town without a word and never looked back, i was devastated. when he didn't even say goodbye [for the second time, if you count when he walked out after our car accident and i had to go all the way to New York to see him again..] i thought we were over, that was the end of whatever that had been between us. i was hurt.

and then him showing up in town and running away from me every chance he got, a few years later, well that hurt too. so i told him to talk and he did. he told me he loved me and then walked backwards and got in his car and drove away. the memories cloud my vision as i make my way toward my hotel room door, plucking the key card from my jean back pocket.

i still feel the loss in every inch of my body when i flashback to him pleading with me in my dorm room at Yale, trying his hardest to convince me that he was ready, that " _we'll finally be together, it's what i want, it's what you want too."_ those words have haunted me, even after all these years apart, even after dating Logan and growing up, moving on. they've stayed with me, because i think, in that moment, i knew deep down, there would be no taking them back — on his part or on mine. he'd said them, he'd let them be put out there, floating in the open space between us, serving as the string which connected us but kept us apart at the same time.

i go to the bathroom first and then return to packing my things. it doesn't take long since i'd gotten most of it out of the way this morning, thankfully. i finish off a report for work and attach it to an email, sending it through. i brush my teeth and braid my hair. i even make the bed for the housekeeper, though i realise only after i'm done that it was probably a waste of time since they'll have to change the sheets anyway for a new guest. this is when i pause to glance around the room, it hits me that someone else may be sleeping in here tonight, and if not tonight, then tomorrow night or in two days time..

even though it's still less than 24 hours since i touched down in this city, i feel a certain attachment to the room…even though Jess and I didn't technically do _anything_ in here..it still feels as though so much passed between us here. i check my watch, it's in no way nearly been an hour. i still have ages until he knocks on the door. i feel like i might go out of my mind in anticipation. so this is really it, then..we're really starting again together. the thought of his arms around me, his lips on mine, his hair between my fingers, his thumb tracing circles on my skin — makes me giddy.

i flop backwards on the bed and stare up at the ceiling, willing myself to think of anything but him. don't ruin it, a bitchy voice spits inside my mind. don't overthink it, after all you _always_ do and it only ends up destroying it.

half an hour later, there's a knock on the door. i put down my book and climb off the bed, pulling open the door. Jess grins, a duffel bag slung over one shoulder. "you ready?" "i've been ready for ages!" i exclaim, moving aside so he can come into the room. he laughs and looks around. "i can see that. did you really clean up in here?" i blush. "..maybe." "oh, Rory." he face palms himself and laughs again. i slip my shoes back on and tuck a loose strain of hair behind my ear that's come free from the braid. "let's go." i pull my suitcase with my backpack balancing on top, out into the hall. Jess follows and we make for the lifts again.

we're silent in the elevator, flying past the first four floors. he hangs back while i check out and then we walk out together. "we've gotta catch a cab to my friends Madeline and Louise's place first." i explain as the driver opens the boot for us to dump our bags in. i recite the address from my phone and he nods, climbing back into the driver's seat. Jess opens the door for me and i thank him, sliding through first. "Who are Madeline and Louise?" he asks and i smile. "oh, now that's a long story." i joke and lean back in the seat as Jess makes no move to pull on his seat belt.

i don't comment on it, since it's sure to be met with some lecture on how that's a trait of a real New Yorker and what tells them apart from tourists. "We went to school together." i add, as his curiosity only grows. "Yale?" I shake my head. "Chilton." he raises his eyebrows. "I thought you never got along with that crowd.." "well, i didn't, really. but Madeline and Louise weren't so bad..i ran into them again on spring break with Paris during our years at Yale and they were going down different paths to us then so that was the last time any of us heard from one another for a while." "huh." he nods, processing this and glances out the window, obviously thinking that's the end of it.

"and then we reconnected about a year ago, when i ran into Louise at a press junket." "really? what was she doing there?" he cocks his head. i laugh. "she was actually with the politician." "Dating him?" Jess asks. "i don't know whether i'd have called it dating. More like _sleeping_ with him.." i correct. Jess's face visibly changes and i laugh again. he smirks. "well, that is slightly different." "yeah." "so why are we headed to her place? just feel like dropping in to catch up on the gossip or..?"

i shake my head. "i left my car with them when i went to Monaco." "Oh?" "Yeah, Madeline gave me a lift to the airport and assured me my car would be just as safe in the assigned car space of their apartment building as it would in longterm parking at the airport and this way, it saved me paying the fee." i explain. "ah. smart girl." Jess remarks, slightly sarcastically. I think back to when Dean met them at Chilton's prom and got into a fight with Tristan. _Thank god, Jess never met Tristan._ i can't imagine that exchange going down without any bloodshed either.

it takes about twenty five minutes to get to Madeline and Louise's neighbourhood and i pay the driver while Jess unloads our bags. "Over here." i point out the building as we cross the road and the taxi drives off. "this one?" he tilts his head in the direction and i nod, making a grab for my suitcase. "nah, it's alright, i've got it." he doesn't let me take it. "okay..thanks." i mumble as we step back onto the sidewalk. "i better call her, let her know we're downstairs." i pull my phone out of my purse and select Louise's number since i never did get Madeline's.

after i hung up, i drop my phone back into my bag and tell Jess they'll be right down. "so why'd they give up their space for you?" "hmm?" i reply, my mind on other things. "well, i mean, it just doesn't make a lot of sense, right? if it's their space for _their_ apartment, why were they supposed to park their own cars? or do they not have cars?"

"oh. no they do." i answer. "but they're always arguing over which of them gets to park their car in it so me borrowing it served as like a ceasefire for them..gave them a few weeks to figure out a system, y'know? one that didn't involve scratching the other person's eyes out to get the spot or resorting to parking their car there when the other happened to get home late from work or spend a night at their boyfriend's place, ect."

"RORY!" Madeline's shrill voice yelps from the door as she skips towards me, throwing her arms around me. "Madeline, hi." i say into her hair, laughing slightly. "I told her not to run at you like that." Louise tuts, coming towards us at a much more paced speed. "she's already had a few mojitos. and y'know how Madi gets, there's no talking logic into her past the first glass." "Right, mojitos, of course." i share a look with Jess over Madeline's shoulder, as though this is the most normal thing in the world — for them to already be drinking cocktails at ten minutes to 4pm on a Wednesday afternoon.

"who's the stud?" Louise twirls a strain of hair around her forefinger, licking her lips. i laugh as Madeline spins around, pretending she's a ballerina and stops, finally noticing Jess, herself and giving him the classic Madeline once over look. Jess doesn't even flinch. "Uh, Louise, Madeline, this is Jess. Jess, Madeline, Louise." i point each of the girls out to Jess and he looks from one to the other. "So, a mojito's your weapon of choice, huh?" he poses and Louise grins mischievously. "don't you know it, boy."

"okay," i clap my hands together to get their attention. i'll admit i don't like where this is going so i do my best to direct the focus elsewhere. "so..my car?" Louise doesn't tear her eyes away from Jess, who's now shifting his weight from foot to foot uncomfortably and Madeline simply goes back to spinning around enthusiastically. i poke Louise's ribs. "hey!"

"we've really gotta get going." i lie. "yeah, long drive ahead, you know how it is. wanna make a decent start before it starts getting dark." Jess jumps in and i shoot him a disguised look of gratitude, communicating through my eyes again. he smirks, glancing away from Louise and me. i feel a warm feeling spread in my chest at how easily we've both picked that old habit up again.

"alright, alright." Louise leads the way and we all fall into step behind her. i nudge Madeline to stop twirling and she stumbles at first but then giggles carelessly and skips ahead, humming to herself. Jess gives me a look that reads " _remind me again why you're friends with these people_ " and i just shrug it off. "here it is." Louise announces as we finally reach the car. "Thanks, Louise. And Madeline, you too. i really appreciate this. you guys did me a huge favour." Louise shrugs, tossing me the keys and Madeline giggles bashfully once more. i unlock the car and pop the trunk as Jess starts lifting our bags in.

"Wow, strong and with an air of bad boy charm about him, this one sure is more interesting than the one you had clinging off you in high school, Rory." Louise remarks as Madeline keeps squeezing Jess's muscles. Jess bats her hands away, an annoyed expression crossing his face, but this alludes a more than _slightly_ tipsy Madeline. "He was the one i had in high school." i point out and Jess straightens up after bending over to arrange the bags.

He brushes his palms on his jeans as Louise raises her eyebrows, a questioning look playing on her face. "No, wasn't he much taller, slightly leaner and had that farm boy look about him? wasn't that him? the one who Tristan bought the smokes off that time we had to rehearse for Romeo and Juliet in that sweet fairytale little town of yours, Rory? wasn't he like a checkout boy or something?" Well, at least somethings never change, i think to myself. One can always rely on not-so-subtle Madeline to bare everything.

Jess clears his throat. "Yeah, she's right, Rory. she's certainly not describing me." i sigh as Louise fiddles with her necklace, her eyes flying between Jess and I. "Oooh, i think you sparked a nerve, Madi." she tuts, clicking her tongue and i resist the urge to roll my eyes. "you didn't _spark a nerve_ , Madeline." i retort, my eyes on Louise. "That wasn't Jess. But i did date Jess back in high school." "Going back for sloppy seconds, huh, Rory?" Louise toys and my grip on the keys tightens. "Not exactly."

"Rory, we should really make a start on that drive.." Jess gives me the out i need just when i need it the most. i breathe a sigh of relief, letting myself relax, having not realised how tense i'd allowed my muscles to become. "Well, thanks again for minding the car, girls." i say, hugging them each quickly and walking towards the car door. Jess fails to mask his surprise at being left to the passenger side.

Madeline and Louise start to walk away, with Louise making not-so-subtle _fuck-me_ eyes at Jess over her shoulder and Madeline saluting me off and returning to skipping. Jess swallows a scoff. "They seem like such great friends of yours." He says sarcastically as I open my door, looking at him over the roof of my car. "Shh." i warn. "They could overhear you!" "Oh, please, Rory. They won't, trust me." He makes the action of downing a drink with his left hand. " One too many mojitos will take care of that." "Jess!" we both start laughing.

i look around us. We're alone. "Well, are you going to get in then? Or do you fancy walking to Stars Hollow?" I joke since he's still just standing there, leaning his chin on his folded hands on the car roof, making no move to open his door or climb inside. "You sure you wanna drive?" He asks.

"oh, so that's it. i knew there was something playing on your mind. You don't think i'll be a good driver? Is that what you're worried about?" "No, Rory. God, of course i don't think that." "Well, then what is it?" "I don't know!" he shrugs dramatically, his voice exasperated. "i just like being the one who driving. i'm used to always being the one behind the wheel. we always take my car on road-trips, the boys and i, and since nobody knows how to drive a stick shift except me, that means i'm the one driving the whole way and also since they're never willing to stay sober at the parties we go to, i'm always designated—"

i hold up a hand. "okay, i get it, Jess." i laugh, teasing him. "well, since this is my car and we're going to my town..and well, i have been looking forward to this drive for days..d'you think you could manage riding shotgun for once in your life? because i'd really love to drive. you know how much i love the drive from Hartford to Stars Hollow.. from taking it everyday because of Chilton. But if it really means that much to you, you can drive us out of New York and over the highway for the first half and then we can pull over and switch?"

he shakes his head, moving aside slightly so he can open the door. "nah, you're right. it's not the end of the world if i ride shogun for once." he pauses before climbing inside, meeting my gaze across the car roof still. that's when i think of something and before thinking it over, i'm blurting it out already.

"well, good. and anyways, i'll be damned if i get into another car with you since the last time." "what do you mean?" he asks. "you remember what happened, don't you? we got into that accident because of the animal that ran in front of the car?" Jess's face falls. "Rory—" i laugh to lighten the mood, realising he's probably taking my bringing up the accident, the wrong way. "Jess, i'm only teasing. C'mon. just get in the car." i slip inside and with a sigh, he does the same.

in the car, we talk about everything and nothing all at once. we listen to music and sing along, we laugh and we tease, we ask about each other's jobs and lifestyles, we tell quips about our friends, share our reactions to new albums by the bands we used to dream of seeing together right here in New York, review new books and new movies with the directors or producers we always loved. he has his feet up on the dash, at one point and my hair's everywhere from the wind that's coursing through the car from my open window where my elbow rests on the frame. i feel relaxed and happy, chatting and constantly remembering things i want to tell him, share in with him.

he's barely glanced at the road, too lost in what i'm telling him and watching as i drive, confident and alert yet comfortable and knowing. when did that happen? he thinks to himself. _she's never been a nervous driver exactly but she was also hardly the person always eager to drive._

He brings up that the last time we were in a car together wasn't actually the accident at 16 years old but after Luke and Mum's wedding when he drove me home. _and_ "you arrived safely, in one piece," he jokes as I tense, adjusting my grip with both hands on the wheel. "yeah, you're right." "Rory?" "no, i was wrong. um, i totally forgot about that night. yeah, the wedding, hah of course." i tap my temple. "silly me."

"well, i'd be impressed if you did _remember_ it since you were pretty wasted at the reception." he remarks and I lean across to whack at his chest, causing us both to start laughing. "hey! shut up! don't say that! i wasn't wasted." he scoffs, probably knowing i'm embarrassed. "Rory, it's okay, really. i mean, i was there, i know what you were like and i'm not holding it against you, i'm merely pointing out that you've since gotten into a car with me years after that night of studying and ice cream — and everything was fine." "everything was not fine." i correct, shaking my head. "which time?" he jokes, cocking an eyebrow. " _the wedding time_." i reply, checking my revision mirrors and focusing on the road ahead. he falls silent, not sure how to respond to that.

i'm surprised as we pull into town, passing the iconic _Welcome to Stars Hollow founded: 1779_ sign, since the time spent driving with Jess has flown by. "hey, we're here." i nudge him, keeping one hand firmly on the wheel and only glancing away briefly. Jess grunts something incomprehensible. "Jeeesss." i draw out his name, shaking his knee and he starts awake. "huhhmm?" i laugh as he sits up and rubs his eyes, placing both hands back on the wheel. "what was that, Jess?"

he tries to hide his smile but i catch a glimpse of it anyway and smile, myself out at the road, happy that he's beside me now and i'm not pulling into town alone. if someone had stopped me in the airport back in Monaco to tell him i'd not only run into _Jess Mariano_ after landing in New York but somehow convince him to come to Stars Hollow with me..well, i'd probably have laughed in their face out of disbelief.

"what's the time?" he pulls out his phone and i tear my eyes away from the road, curious as to what his lock screen is. it's a picture of him and a mate as far as i can tell but he stashes it away in his jacket's pocket before i can get a proper look. "Rory.." his voice is timid as i turn the corner, heading down a familiar road lined with trees. "yes, Jess?" i glance over to him, planting an innocent expression on my face. He looks like he's seen a ghost. "When you invited me…to come back home with you..you didn't actually mean we'd be staying.." "in my home?" i finish for him, tapping my fingers on the steering wheel, excitement coursing through my veins at spotting Babette's house.

"well, yeah?" he asks, trying to make himself swallow. "and just where else did you think we'd be sleeping?" i pose, shaking my head at him, smiling. "uh, i guess i didn't really give it that much thought..but Rory, i really don't think—" "Jess, you're gunna be okay." i interrupt, pulling into the driveway and killing the engine. i hear the screams and squeals and shouts from Mum as she swings open the front door and stumbles down the steps, Paul Anka eagerly joining in but then abruptly stopping at the steps. Luke follows, at a slower pace, and pauses to frown at the dog, holding his arms out. "Really? i mean, really? they're just steps, Paul Anka! stupid dog." he mutters, but leaning down to carry the mutt down anyway.

i pat Jess's leg and then squeal without warning, myself, matching the out-of-this-world high frequency of Mum and leaping out of the car. out of the corner of my eye, i see Jess take a deep breath inside the car, pausing and running his hand through his hair nervously, before stepping out himself. "RORRYY!" Mum pulls me into a tight hug, squeezing my shoulders as i nuzzle my face into her neck and hair, breathing in the familiar scent. "Mama bear, i've missed you." "i've missed you too, kid." she whispers, her voice breaking slightly. when we pull apart, there are slight tears pooling in her eyes but she wipes them away quickly as Luke comes to stand beside her, smiling warmly at me.

Just as he holds out his arms for me, his gaze lands on something over my head. "Well, i'll be damned." he whistles, drawing it out, soft and long. Mum laughs a small laugh and taps his chest once or twice, "what are you on about? from the look on your face, one would think you'd never laid on eyes on Rory before." she jokes, looking up at him. Luke looks from Jess to me and i abruptly stop chewing on my bottom lip. "it's him i wasn't expecting to lay eyes on." Luke replies, jabbing a finger in Jess's direction and Mum's face changes. "What? who?" she turns from facing Luke on an angle to me as Jess takes the remaining steps from the car to my side.

"Jess." Mum says. "Lorelei." Jess clips a nod. Luke grins and hugs Jess the minute they lock eyes. Jess slaps his uncle on the back and i let out a breath i hadn't realised i'd been holding in. Mum smiles at them as they awkwardly adjust their footing, scuffing their toes into the dirt, embarrassed by their embrace. "Rory!" Luke suddenly remembers he hasn't seen me in months and quickly hugs me. "hey, luke! i'm so happy to see you…and Mum. it's so good to be finally home again." Mum smiles and tilts her head back towards the house. "well, shall we go inside then?"

"oh yeah, we just need to get the bags." i reply and turn towards Jess. "I'll help him. we've got it. you girls head in." Luke suggests, already turning Jess toward the car and setting off. "okay.." i say as Jess gives me a look over his shoulder. i shrug, communicating an apology through my eyes. "there was nothing i could do." i mouth as Mum puts her arm around my waist and pulls me gently towards the deck.

"So.. _Jess_ is here." Mum whispers as she holds the door open for me and we walk through together. "why are you whispering?" i laugh. "they can't hear us, Mum. and even if they could, it's not a secret. Luke saw him, he sees him." i gesture to where Luke and Jess stand at the back of my car, popping the boot open with Paul Anka running circles around their legs. Mum tuts and shuts the door, hustling me through the house to the kitchen. "wait!" i screech and rush through to the lounge. "a new couch!" i grin and hold my arms out, as Mum stops at the edge of room, looking at me. "You got a new couch!" i announce again, as though maybe she wasn't aware of this, herself.

"what is it? what do you look so worried?" i say, my voice dropping back down to what Grandma would call an appropriate inside voice. "oh, do you not like it? and does luke _love_ it?" i say, coming towards her, whispering myself this time. there have been clashes of furniture tastes many times in this household and me moving out didn't seem to improve matters much, ironically.

"no, no." Mum waves this idea away. "it's not that." "well, then what is it? because i mean, it's looks nice enough." i walk back over to it and sit down, bouncing on the cushion. "comfy." i remark, smiling. "it's just…well, i wasn't sure if you'd be upset about it." "about you getting a new couch?" i raise eyebrows. "ah, mum? why would i be upset?" _has she finally lost it?_

"because, the last couch…was..well, Christopher and i—" "oh." i pause and then stand up. "so the couch you and dad got is.." "gone." i sold it two weeks ago and someone came to pick it up in a trailer they'd borrowed from their neighbour." "right." i nod. "are you okay, kid?" Mum puts a hand on my shoulder. "yeah, yeah." i shake my head, starting toward the kitchen, knowing Mum will follow me without even thinking about it. "i'm good. look, you and dad ended ages ago..you getting rid of a couch you guys picked out together makes sense. And it isn't something that's gunna make me upset, for the record." i give her a look.

"okay, i'm glad then. i just thought it might—" "Mum, i love Luke." "you do?" "Yes. i love that you married him and that you guys have ended up together. i was rooting for you both right from the start, you know that, right?" She nods, not saying anything. "that couch was the last thing representing your marriage to Dad and to be entirely honest, i'm surprised it managed to hang around for as long as it did. i figured Luke would've wanted it out of here the first week you guys got home from the honeymoon."

"well…it sorta helped he didn't know it was from Chris." Mum mumbles. a look of surprise crosses my face. "he didn't know?" she shakes her head, bringing a finger to her lips, making the _keep it hush hush_ face. "got it." i reply and spin around. "my room! i've missed you!" i say to the walls and the books and the bed and the wardrobe and the desk. Mum laughs and puts the kettle on for coffee.


	7. Chapter 7

CHAPTER SEVEN / JESS

"So you and Rory, huh?" Uncle Luke says as he bends down to lift Rory's suitcase out. he places it down and straightens up, stretching his back. i worry about him pushing himself too hard. he's not getting any younger and i've often thought what it'll take for him to cut back on the hours he spends in that diner of his..hopefully not some serious injury. i don't dare voice any of these concerns to him though. there's no telling Luke how to run his business or how to take care of himself — that much i do know. at least, he's got Lorelei to fuss over him now.

"what about me and Rory?" i reply, swinging my duffel bag over my shoulder. Luke rolls his eyes when he sees the thing. "you've still got that? you've had that bag since you were 17." "16." i correct with a smirk, picking up Rory's backpack and leaning back so Luke can slam the boot shut. "it's practically covered in holes, Jess." i tap the bag. "hence the patches." he only huffs in response as we walk towards the house. "is this good?" he asks, pausing before the steps. i'm already up them so i turn around, happy to for once have some height on my Uncle.

"is _what_ good?" "you and her?" he points. "i mean, after all these years..you really think there's still something there?" "let me ask you something, did you ever feel like whatever you and Lorelei had went away? during that time you spent apart? during the fights you had and the breaks in your relationship when you'd just make up a week later because her mother came to the diner and told you she picked you or whatever crap she said?" Luke looks around us, made uncomfortable by me turning the conversation back on him. "no." "exactly." i reply, turning back towards the door and reaching for the handle, trying to juggle all the bags.

Luke lifts the suitcase up the steps and then puts a hand on my shoulder, causing me to pause. i'm leaning against the door, keeping it open now as i look back to him. "Jess, i just don't want to see ei—" "Rory get hurt? i know, Luke, look i'm not going to do anything to stuff it up this time around." "either of you." he finishes. "i don't want to see _either of you_ get hurt. i care about you both." he slaps my shoulder and then squeezes past the doorway. i stand still for a second longer, watching Luke's retreating back as he disappears into the kitchen, letting what he said sink in.

i feel myself being yanked back to the past again — being 17 and having Luke tell me that Rory and i _weren't to be on either end of his apartment and were to instead remain in the middle portion_ , never on the same seats - her being on the chair, me on the couch, or vice versa, and me saying "you realise you're supposed to be my guardian not hers." back then i thought Luke would put Rory before me in a heartbeat, but now, i realise he always did things with me in his mind too. even though Mum sprang me on him, he always had my best interest at heart and has continued to be this way ever since. i catch up to everybody, who are standing around in Rory's room.

Luke places her suitcase on her desk for her and she unzips it, eager to unpack her things. Lorelei helps her carry piles to the laundry and i stand aside, keeping out of the way. "Luke, could you fetch the spare mattress from the cupboard in the hall, honey?" "Way ahead of you." he replies, walking away. Rory looks embarrassed. "Mum, c'mon you're not seriously going to make Jess sleep on the floor, are you? we're not teenagers anymore, we're adults and we can sleep in the same bed and be responsible, geez."

i catch on to what she's referring to and jump in, dismissing the idea immediately as Lorelei makes her _ready-with-a-witty-comeback_ face. "no, that's fine, really. you don't need to get the mattress, uncle Luke! i'm okay to just crash on the couch. since i don't really know how many nights i'll even be staying, it's cool to just.." "crash on the couch?" Lorelei supplies, a knowing look on her face. "yeah." my reply comes slow and quiet. we both know Luke's about to appear with the mattress any second and there'll be no chance of convincing him i can sleep in the living room.

"i'll go help him." "yeah, okay." Lorelei replies, as i walk away. after Rory's clothes are in the washer, Luke and i have made up the bed on the floor and Lorelei and Rory have had two cups of coffee each, and a long chat, Rory turns to me. "wanna go for a walk around town?" she suggests, smiling. i'm sitting on the floor, scrolling through Instagram on my iPhone. "yeah, sure. um..is your Mum alright with it, though?" she groans. "ugh, not you too, Jess! why does everybody suddenly revert to treating us like we're seventeen again just because we're here together?"

"it's not that, Rory. it's just i don't know how keen she'll be about letting you out of her sight. she seems pretty happy you're home and will probably want to be the one to take you around town after you've been away for so long." Rory's face softens and she comes over to sit down beside me. "that's sweet, Jess, but i want to walk around town with you." i look up from my phone, meeting her eyes and she lifts a hand to my cheek. Luke's voice makes us both very nearly jump out of our skin. "Rory, your Mum's just told me she ordered a bunch of stuff from Al's pancake world for dinner and i'm heading out now to pick it up, i was just wondering if you wanted me to grab anything while i'm out?"

The only indication that he remotely picked up on what we were about to do is the way Luke's eyes fly between Rory and i a few dozens times during his speech, even though he was only addressing her. Rory stands and shakes her head, shoving her hands into the back pockets of her jeans. "no, i'm all good. but thanks anyways, Luke." she replies, walking over to her dresser to fiddle with some jewellery that's resting on the surface. "okay, then. just thought i'd check." Luke says, glaring at me, before leaving.

i let a out a sigh and Rory laughs under her breath. "phew, that was close." she says, coming back over and brushing my hair back from my face, kneeling so she's taller than me. i look up to her and place my phone aside. "Rory, i really don't think us doing anything in this house is a good idea." she dismisses the idea almost straight away, giving no thought to the fact that her mother could walk in at any moment. "Mum's upstairs, i heard her voice travelling down to call bye to Luke just now and…" she waits and sure enough, we hear the front door shut. "Luke's gone to get food." she finishes, kissing me square on the mouth.

i bring my arms around her as she rests a hand on the back of my neck, tilting my head back and kissing me harder. "Jess," Rory whispers as she rests her forehead against mine, looking down. "Mum's going to come downstairs any minute.." i kiss her one last time and then release her. "you're right..we can't." "later, okay?" she promises, kissing the tip of my nose and standing up.

after dinner, Rory announces that she's going to take me for a walk around town since it's been so long since we've both been back. Lorelei doesn't say anything but uncle Luke smiles, nodding. "that sounds like a good idea. have fun, you two." Rory laughs awkwardly and goes to her room to get her shoes.

when we reach the end of her driveway, she takes my hand in hers and swings our arms, smiling at the darkening sky. "the moon's full tonight." she tells me as i peer over my shoulder at where uncle Luke stands against the railing of the decking with Lorelei resting her head on his chest, her arms around his waist. they're smiling, his chin in her hair, her eyes closed. he's the only one watching Rory and i go. he gives me an ever so small nod as though he's giving me the okay. i turn back around and Rory hasn't noticed they're watching us go. "where to?" i ask and she shrugs. "let's go all over town."

so we do just that.

we're finishing up our second lap of the town when Rory pulls me down Peach street and pass _Kim's Antiques_. "Rory, what are you up to?" i ask, curious. "i promised Lane i'd drop in as soon as i got home and since Mum and Luke had already organised dinner, we couldn't get away…but we'll make it quick, i promise." "okay." she leads me further down the street and pushes open Lane's gate. then there's screams and suddenly two boys run into Rory's, shoving me out of the way.

Rory's hand is tugged from my grasp and she stumbles back. i react quickly, reaching out to keep her from toppling over. she laughs, meeting my eyes over the curly black haired heads of the kids. "thanks, Jess, but i'm alright." i let her go and she looks down. "KAWN, STEVE! LOOK AT YOU BOYS, YOU'VE BOTH GROWN SO BIG!" Rory exclaims as the boys finally release her and take a few steps back to be examined.

Rory spins her finger, getting the boys to turn around so she can see them from all angles. "oh my." she smiles, kneeling down on the ground to hug them both again. "AUNTY RORY'S HERE, MAMA!" Kwan, i think that's him, calls to the house. Lane appears in seconds flat and her face lights up. "well, i'll be damned, if it isn't Jess and Rory, Rory and Jess." she smiles at me, coming over. i'm surprised when she hugs me. "hey." i say when she steps back. "hey." she then turns her attention to her best friend who pushes herself back up to standing. "Lane!" Rory draws her friend close and rests her face on Lane's shoulder. "hey, you."

"how have you been?" "oh, y'know." Lane waves her hand. "Busy." she ruffles the hair of one of her boys. "these two keep me on my toes." Rory and i laugh. "but what are we doing standing out here, huh? come in, come in! Zack'll be so happy to see you again, Jess." she leads us into the house. Rory reaches for my hand as we walk through the door, with Steve clinging to her leg on the other side. she laughs and rubs his back, not asking him to let go.

i doubt Zack even remembers me but i don't say this to Lane. she's obviously hoping i'll stand off to the side and make small talk with her husband, leaving her to catch up with her best friend in peace. i scratch the back of my neck, starting to feel on edge. i shouldn't have come here… i think to myself. i should've stayed back at the house with Uncle Luke and Lorelei and left Rory to make her visit to Lane solo. even if that had meant me being left exposed and at the mercy of Lorelei and Luke's interrogation about what exactly is between Rory and I now.

i don't know the answer to that question and by the look on Rory's face when her Mum asked Luke to fetch the mattress, she has little idea herself. in fact, i don't think she has any clue what she wants. but i'm here now so there's no going back. we drove down in her car too, so i'd be forced to take the bus back and knowing my luck, the next bus won't be until Friday.

"Rory, hey! how are you?" Zack appears and kisses Rory's cheek, half hugging her. "Hi, Zack. i'm good. how about you?" "oh, tired." he replies, yawning and Lane pokes his side, offended. he puts his arm around her shoulders, in a way that you can tell he's done it a million times and it's something natural between the both of them. "but happy, so happy." he corrects and Lane shoves him away jokingly. "yeah, sure, nice save." she pokes her tongue out at him and walks away. he laughs and watches her go. "man, my girl is fineee!" Rory laughs and squeezes my hand, checking i'm okay. i squeeze back twice and we follow Lane to the kitchen.

copying Rory, i sit down at the round kitchen table. Lane puts the kettle on and offers us some biscuits. Rory takes one but i pass. the twins run through the room, waving rocket ships above their heads, making "zoom" noises with their mouths. "so..Jess, long time no see." She pours our cups and hands them over. "Yeah, you could say that." "Thank you." Rory smiles, cupping hers with both hands, blowing on the coffee. "Thanks." i say, sipping at mine, ignoring the burn it makes on my tongue.

"so..how old are your munchkins now?" i ask, standing up to peer at some photos on the fridge. Lane smiles contently, adding sugar to her own mug and noticing what i'm looking at. "they turn seven this winter." "huh. they sure do grow up fast, don't they?" i say and Lane nods, taking a seat opposite Rory. "sure do. i've already started getting nostalgic of the days when they were still in diapers. it feels like a decade ago, at least." Rory laughs, reaching out to pat her friend's hand.

"unfortunately you've still got a long way to go." she teases and Lane's shoulders slump, though you can tell she loves it. motherhood agrees with her, she looks brighter and more at peace with herself than i've ever seen her. sure, their house may look a little like a bomb has hit it..several times but it's a home, not just a house. there's kids stuff everywhere, drawings and photos with missing teeth on the fridge, goofy smiles and family christmas cards from last year having not been taken down yet.

Zack comes in and kisses his wife on the head as he passes by, opening a cupboard and rummaging at the back, on his tippy toes, peering in the top shelf. "hey, babe, where'd you hide the wagon wheels this time?" he spots them on the table and rubs his hands together in excitement. "score!" he says to me, snatching one up.

"You should really come by more often, Rory. i mean, you're more than welcome anytime, you know that right?" Zack mumbles through a mouthful of biscuit and Lane and Rory laugh. "one would think i never feed him." Lane clicks her tongue, disapproving. Zack grins cheekily and snatches up a few more biscuits. "no, she's right. she does take good care of me." he nods at us, his face solemn. "it's just…she hides the chocolate."

"i hide it from the kids, Zack. not you, you big goof!" Lane and Zack argue playfully back and forth a bit. Rory laughs and i can't help smirking. _what kind of life is that?_ i find myself wondering what it'd be like to have a woman hide chocolate from you, to take care of you…to have _Rory hide chocolate from me_. i look to where she sits beside me now, her shoes kicked off, knees pulled up to her chest, face happy and tired. she catches me looking and her mouth breaks into an even bigger grin. out of the corner of my eye, i see Lane's head turning back and forth between us.

i draw my eyes away from Rory and give Lane a look. "what are you staring at?" Lane rests her chin in her hand, elbows on the table. "you tell me." she points from me to Rory. "what _is_ this? what's going on between you two?" "Rory?" i say, still looking at Lane. "Care to chime in here?" Zack finishes chewing and swallows his wagon wheel, grabbing three more for the road. Lane stops him right as he passes through the doorway. "not so fast, Mr. don't you think you've had enough?" she pointedly looks at his handful. Zack's face colours and he sharply insists he has not. "these are for the twins." he justifies, biting down on his one, leaving it half hanging out of his mouth and holding up the other two.

"yeah, yeah, alright. but only one each, okay? tell them we're all out. otherwise they'll come back in here, demanding more and they've got the dentist next month." "yes, ma'am." he leaves and Lane laughs, turning back to us. Rory still hasn't said anything. "where were we?" Lane folds her hands together in her lap. "oh, yeah. you guys were gunna tell me what exactly is going on here?"

even though she means no harm, Lane's directness has caused a tense mood to fall upon the room and i'm still waiting for Rory to jump in. when she still hasn't said anything, i push my chair back away from the table, making a horrible scraping sound on the lino floor. "sorry, i um…didn't mean to make.." i stand and walk around, lifting my chair this time, and placing it neatly back under the table. "i'm going to go." i walk toward the side door and exit through the kitchen, careful not to slam the door behind me. i shove my hands in my pockets, ignoring the heavy feeling that's pressing on my chest.

Rory didn't say anything. because she doesn't know what to say or because there's nothing _to_ say? i'm sick of feeling so in-the-dark about this situation, about what we are or aren't to each other. i walk around Lane's house and pull open her gate, not knowing where i'm going but just knowing i have to get away from this house. maybe i'll sit in the town square for a while, just cool off. "JESS!" the only reason i turn around is because i know it's not her. it's not her voice. it's Lane. "where are you going?" "i don't know. i just..had to get out of that house." she snorts. "gee, thanks. i've gotta tell you, i haven't missed that subtly-isn't-my-strong-suit charm of yours." "i didn't mean it like that. there's nothing wrong with your house. it's a…perfectly nice house." i insist and Lane shrugs. "i know you didn't mean it like that. it's not really about my house. is it?" i shrug this time and start walking again. she has to jog slightly to keep up with me.

"Jess, you've got to give Rory some time, okay? You can't just expect her to jump right in with everything figured out. Especially when my guess is, you haven't got everything figured out yourself yet." she reaches out to pull my arm back, stopping us. "really, Lane? i can't _expect_ her to know how she feels about me? really? after all the times she played me, all the times she kicked me to curb, i can't expect even the slightest shred of respect from her, is that what you're telling me? and FYI, i do know how i feel about Rory, i've known for a while now and i've tried, on multiple occasions may i point out, to inform her of this, but to no avail." i throw my arms up, walking off again.

"you still don't get it, do you? god jess, _c'mon_ you call yourself smarter than everyone here." "what?" "rory _loved_ you!" "yeah, when we were seventeen and it's not like she ever even told me that." "she didn't need to tell you. she chose you. she threw everything away for you."

"you mean, dean? she threw _dean_ away for me? i'd hardly call that _everything_." lane rolls her eyes. "listen to me." she meets my eyes, her expression serious, mine confused. "she _would_ _'_ _ve_ thrown it all away for you. school, this town, me." her voice goes quiet at the end. i touch her shoulder extremely quickly, for reassurance.

"lane, c'mon. you're being ridiculous. there's no way she put me first, before you." lane looks back up, her expression stone cold and her eyes tired behind the frames of her glasses. "oh my god, jess!" she bursts, i take a step back, shocked at her outburst. "what?! what'd i do now?"

"you're not listening!" "i am!" "well then maybe you're thicker than i thought!" "hey, now. don't poke the bear, lane." i retort sharper than i'd intended. "look, she didn't throw _anything_ away for me, okay? she wasn't happy with dean and she needed an out. i simply gave her one. that's it, that's all. they wouldn't have lasted much longer, even without me intervening."

"yeah, sure." lane crosses her arms and clicks her tongue, frustrated as always to find herself in my stubborn company. "and it's not like i would've made her." "made her..?" "sacrifice anything for me. she was headed for Yale. she was…well, _set_."

"set." lane repeats. "yeah." i shove my hands back into the pockets of my old leather jacket, looking anywhere than into the face of the best friend of the girl i love. "she had her future all mapped out. she was excited and she.…she had good reason to be. she _knew_ what she wanted to get out of life and she was going to get it. and she did, i mean, look at her, she's a successful correspondent. it's all worked out for her." "has it though?" lane challenges to which i rush on, refusing to acknowledge that comment.

"so she's all good. life has been good to her and i'm glad, i mean, I'm happy she's good." "you're happy?" "so things worked out the way they were always supposed to. she got to where she'd been heading and the little off-road-thing we had..didn't matter in the bigger picture..so it's fine. i don't even know why we're still entertaining the idea. there's no question." "no question about what?" lane prods, curious as ever and perhaps finally catching on to how i works exactly. _he had to come to the conclusion himself, no matter how confusing or muddled the journey there becomes, he only gets off course because he overthinks each part that most of us only overlook._ Lane thinks to herself.

"no question about whether it mattered!" " _what_ mattered?" "us! me and Rory, our…being together, y'know? and then me walking out on her, no note, no goodbye, no explanation. she wasn't hurt, she's tough, she just kept moving and it paid off. she didn't wallow." "she didn't wallow? you did NOT just say that!" lane exclaims. "that's what she said!" " _when_? when did she say that?" lane's ready with a follow up.

"on the phone! at her graduation when i called her from Santa Monica and didn't say anything because i knew there was nothing i could say that would fix things so she talked instead and she told me things were over between us and that she hoped i didn't think she would wallow because she was going to Europe and Yale and she was moving on. she was growing up, living her life! and she stuck to her word! she did it. she didn't wallow and she grew up!"

"how do you know?" "how do i know _what_?" "how do you know she didn't wallow?" "because…because she said she wasn't going to." lane waves her hand about. "aha! exactly!" "exactly what?" i frown, bored of the mind games, of the riddles laced with wit. i'm tired. "she may've said she wasn't _going_ to, but that didn't mean she stuck to her word." "what—what are you talking about? look lane, i don't have time for this. she made her choice and that's it, it's done—"

"except that it isn't!" lane interrupts and i go to move past her but she blocks my way. "jess, stop. wait." she tries to shove me back, i fail to not look smug. "you know i let you do that. if i wanted to get past i could've—" "yeah, yeah. mister macho man, i get it, thanks." she holds up her hand, her tone short.

" _you left._ you weren't here in the weeks that followed that phone call." "gee, thanks mrs obvious, i didn't know that, what would i do without your guidance—" "god, just shut up for a minute, would you? just can the wise ass comebacks for just a sec, could you please?" she snaps. i oblige, glaring at her but giving my full attention free of interruption none the less.

"when she got back from Europe, in the days leading up to Yale and even her first few weeks there, she would call me, crying in the most out-of-nowhere hours. you name it — midnight, 5am, midday, 3pm, the list goes on. there was no pattern. it was as though it'd simply hit her and she just went straight down. lost all control. and you know Rory, her name and the phrase _loose control_ have never been used in the same sentence before." i nod, trying to piece together what she's suggesting before she even gets there herself because that's just the pace my mind works at.

"i remember one of the first phone calls, through her blabbering and sobbing, there was only one thing i managed to understand the whole call." "yeah, and?" i snap, getting impatient. lane shoots me a look, annoyed I'm being disrespectful. "what was it?" "through the whole backpacking trip across Europe, her and Lorelei took, she'd been in denial." "Denial? denial about what?" i frown even further.

 _that doesn_ _'_ _t sound like R_ _ory_. she's the kind of person to face things head on, not beat around the bush. although it seems Lane marches to the beat of a different drum, based on how long it's taking her to get to the point of this _sweet just darling little story time_ joke she's putting me through. i just think all of this, of course, not voicing any of it aloud.

"denial about _you_!" "me? what'd she have to deny about me? Lane, look, i appreciate whatever it is you're trying to do, here but you're really not making any sense and i'd rather not reopen old wounds, if you—" "She didn't want to accept that things were over between the two of you." "me and her, that two of you?" "yes!" she replies practically clapping, glad to be finally getting somewhere and breaking through that smug facade of mine.

"she was in love with you, jess. that kind of thing doesn't just disappear. no matter how many miles the person puts between you and them." Lane continues, pausing for me to intercept like i always do.

but this time, for the first time, nothing comes. no smart comment, no agitated retort, no underlying insult, no defence. _it_ _'_ _s as though he's lost his voice. he just stands there, still and not blinking, barely breathing._ Lane thinks to herself.

she blinks at him a few times herself, trying to think of what to do. she groans, mistaking my silence to represent my lack of understanding or comprehension of what she's telling me.

"what i'm trying to say is, she _wallowed_. boy, did she wallow. she cried, she struggled, she'd drive home in the car her grandparents had bought her as a graduation gift and crash at my place. and i'd just hold her, brushing her hair from her eyes as she leaned into my shoulder. she was devastated, jess! she was hurting. she didn't just walk away with her head held high and extreme ease, like you seem to have convinced yourself she did."

"you hurt her. you may like to go around, acting like none of it meant anything and that she came out of, whatever it was that you guys had, completely unscathed but i'm telling you, **you** **'** **re an idiot**. she didn't want to tell Lorelei because she felt like her Mum would only hold it against you. so she tried, for weeks, to pull herself together. she'd fake being super bright and chirpy on the phone with her grandparents or her mum, or on the weekends when she'd return home and people around town would ask her about her life at Yale. she'd smile and spill all the beans about how great her classes were and how much she was learning from the amazing posh lecturers, but inside it was _killing_ her." Lane exaggerates the word killing, as though hoping this will truly communicate to me the emotional turmoil Rory suffered through at our breakup.

"she didn't like Yale?" "no! she loved it. it was amazing, and totally everything she'd been working toward her whole life. but that didn't mean that in her downtime, in the moments that something wasn't happening, wasn't demanding her attention, she didn't break down, because she did, Jess."

"so…" i pause, swallowing. "what you're telling me is.." my voice cracks and i clear my throat, trying to speak above a whisper. Lane only tilts her head, gesturing for me to go on, practically brimming with anticipation. "i ruined Yale for her." i finish and Lane exclaims, "EXACTLY FINALLY!" and then a beat and "WAIT WHAT?!" because _no,_ _i didn_ _'_ _t get it._

"i made her upset, i hurt her and it took away from the victory of Yale, it made Europe shitty for her and it distracted her from enjoying her classes and college life and i…i stuffed it all up for her, everything that she'd worked so hard for." "no, Jess, no. oh my god. you've got this all wrong. okay, listen—" "no." i cover my face with my hands, sighing and then looking around the town, a pained expression resting on my features. "fuck, i'm such an idiot." "well, yeah. but let me explain, you totally took things the wrong way. that wasn't what i was trying to say at all!"

"Lane, i can't do this. i can't hear this. not after all these years, please." i push past, not unkindly and walk away at a faster pace this time. she rushes after me though, not going to let me avoid this. not letting me off the hook so easily, like Rory did when she bite her tongue and didn't ask what i was doing on the bus to Hartford the day i left town and didn't come back.

"Hey!" Lane shouts, grabbing my shoulder and pulling me around to face her. My eyes are wet and she's momentarily speechless. i press the bottom of my palms into them, like Luke always did whenever he'd start to tear up at something in front of people and then insistently deny it, like Rory's graduation from Chilton or when Lorelei made him watch "Sophie's Choice."

"Jess." "she's fine, okay?" "what are you—" "she's fine! she got over me and she moved past it. she's not hurting anymore!" _Lane realises how invested Jess is in Rory's wellbeing and that he_ _'_ _s emotionally wounded at the thought of her being in pain._

"yes, of course, she's fine. you're right, she threw herself into her studies and into focusing on Yale and eventually, gradually…got past it." "why are you telling me this?" i shout. Lane flinches, though she's not really afraid of me. i know this. "because you needed to know." "who are you to tell me what i need to know?" "huh?" "how do you know what i need to know or not?" i don't care if i'm making sense right now, i can't even hear myself think.

"Jess, look—" "no! i don't want this on my shoulders, Lane! it isn't fair for you to bring this up after so long. and you know what you _forgot_ to mention there in your little story time recount? is that she could've called me!" "what?"

"she could've called me afterwards. if she _missed_ me or was _that_ hurt, or whatever, _she_ could've always called _me_. it goes both ways." "and said what, Jess? that she was wallowing and that she lied when she said she wouldn't?!" Lane scoffs, crossing her arms once more, annoyed at my ignorance.

i cover my mouth with my hand, my eyes looking anywhere but at Lane. "you, her, Lorelei, even Luke — everyone acts like it was my fault, the whole thing." "well you WERE the one to leave." "yeah, so? she was leaving anyway." "oh, c'mon, don't pull that bullshit _she had big plans and i wasn_ _'_ _t part of them_ sob story. that's low, Jess, even for you."

"i'm not trying to pull anything!" I retort. "i'm just simply stating a fact! she could've called me." "how?" Rory's voice cuts through the cold night air of Stars Hollow and Lane uncrosses her arms, a small smile of victory pulling on her lips.

 _Finally, the confrontation she's been waiting for is about to happen — Lane has always thought Rory needed closure on the Jess front and she might finally get it tonight, even if it comes in a different form than Lane had been expecting. Which was for Jess and Rory to finish things, once and for all, but maybe they're finally going to truly begin._

i just freeze, with my back to Rory. i look to Lane, my face stricken. Lane only points over my shoulder and i take a deep breath, turning around. "Rory." "how could i have called you exactly?" she repeats, coming over to us, her scarf blowing in the wind. Lane clears her throat. "i'm..uh..i'm going to go." She runs over to Rory and gives her a quick hug before nodding goodbye to me. "bye, jess." "yeah, see ya." i reply, not taking my eyes off Rory. Lane smiles to herself as she crosses the road, happy to be heading home to Zack and the twins.

"well?" Rory demands. "i'm waiting on an answer here, Jess. and i don't have all night, y'know." i stay silent and Rory just stares me down, apparently willing to wait me out. "i just meant—" "no. you didn't mean _anything_ because you still have no idea, do you?" she talks over the top of me straight away, not hesitating.

"you didn't have a cell, Jess. we were seventeen and _my boyfriend didn_ _'_ _t even have his own phone_ because he didn't believe in them!" she explodes, finally unloading all the built up annoyance and other emotions she'd stuffed down from my abandonment and the dark period of her life which i'm only just now learning, which followed.

"you didn't write, didn't get Luke to tell me where you'd gone or how to get in touch." she counts them off on her fingers. "what was i _supposed_ to do, exactly? i couldn't have called you, Jess! and you know this. how could you not? you didn't have a phone, i didn't know who you were staying with so it wasn't like i could've called your dad's place! you used a pay phone, Jess! when you called and then sat in silence all those times! it was from an unknown number of some random pay phone on the street! there was no way of me tracking you down." she's shouting now.

"you're not going to talk? suddenly at a loss of what to chime in with, huh?" she snaps. "Fine, you know what, that's just fine. good, even. because i'll keep going. i've got _loads_ to say." she takes a deep breath and then rushes on. "this is crap, you realise that, right? for you to honestly point the blame at me. for you to claim that i could've called you if i needed you because of course i couldn't have called!" "i'm not pointing blame at you." i say under my breath. "what was that?" she cups a hand behind her ear, all riled up now and not willing to let me walk all over her again.

"I'M NOT BLAMING YOU, RORY! I KNOW IT WAS ME, OKAY? I KNOW I WAS THE ONE TO WALK AWAY AND TO NEVER CALL AND TO STUFF THINGS UP BETWEEN US!"

"DAMN RIGHT IT WAS YOU, JESS! I DID NOTHING WRONG! I LOVED YOU! AND YOU JUST LEFT ME BEHIND!"

"WHAT, AND _YOU WEREN'_ _T ABOUT TO DO THE SAME_ TO ME?" she doesn't say anything. "YOU WERE GOING TO EUROPE WITH YOUR MUM AND THEN YALE, RORY! YOU HAD EVERYTHING LINED UP, YOUR FUTURE WAS LAID OUT RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF YOU! AND IT DIDN'T INCLUDE ME!"

"DON'T SAY THAT! GOD, LANE WAS RIGHT YOU REALLY HAVE NO IDEA!"

"NO IDEA ABOUT _WHAT_?"

"ABOUT US! ABOUT HOW I FELT ABOUT YOU! I LOVED YOU, OF COURSE YOU WERE INCLUDED IN MY FUTURE."

"OH, YEAH? DON'T DO THAT, RORY, DON'T MAKE SHIT UP. WHAT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN TO US WHEN YOU MOVED INTO THE DORMS AT YALE?"

"22.8 MILES!" "huh?" i stop yelling and frown at her. "IT WAS ONLY 22.8 MILES AWAY, JESS! YOU SAID SO YOURSELF, REMEMBER?" she's panting, out of breath and angry, hot tears pricking her eyes.

i still don't speak. "fine, you don't remember? fine! maybe i just made that whole day up then! the fact that you looked it up, you _yahooed_ it because you cared, damnit. damn you, Jess! why is it so impossible for you to just accept that?! _you cared about me_! and i loved you and we were going to figure things out!"

she pauses, sobbing now, before keeping on.

"it was going to be fine, but you left and yes, you acknowledge you screwed things up, but you never actually _ended_ it. instead you left it up to me to decide that you weren't coming back and that you weren't going to ever build up the courage to tell me this. i had to tell you goodbye and on the day of my graduation, Jess! on what would've been one of the best days of my life! i had to say goodbye to the boy i loved—"

"might've loved." "huh?" she pushes her bangs away from her forehead, thrown by the sound of my voice since i hadn't spoken in more than a few minutes, just leaving her to rant and offload it all on me, everything she's held inside for so long.

"that day, _that all-important day of your graduation_ , tell me if i'm mistaken but did you or did you not tell me and this is a direct quote by the way _i might_ _'_ _ve loved you but i just need to let it go_ …?"

"so?" rory stammers, as i move closer, fed up now and even more tired than before. "you said **might** , rory, you never actually said you did." "so?!" she spits back at me, neither of us tearing our eyes away, as though if we look anywhere else but at each other, we'll lose the other once and for all.

"so..you said those words to Logan and you said those words to Dean and you never—" "i never _what_ , Jess? NEVER SAID THEM TO YOU? THERE'S NO WAY YOU'RE BEING SINCERE RIGHT NOW? YOU'RE TRYING TO TELL ME IT REALLY BOTHERS YOU THAT I NEVER SAID THOSE THREE WORDS TO YOU?!"

"YES, OKAY! IT REALLY BOTHERS ME, RORY!" i throw my arms up, exasperated at her, at myself, at this whole scenario. how have we landed ourselves here, again? it may be a whole decade after we first met, but it's still the same thing.

it's still me feeling like her heart is somewhere else, belongs to another guy. it's still me thinking she isn't in this, 100%, with me, that she's just letting herself get distracted for a while, not really considering this a long term option. it's still her not believing me when i tell her i care, it's still her being afraid of me taking off again, her feeling like i'm hiding things from her. hell, the way she overrated back in New York when i wouldn't show her my place is evidence of that. she jumps to conclusions, always, and hardly gives me the time to explain. maybe we really haven't changed that much from the immature (me) uptight (her) kids we once were..

maybe all the flaws and struggles our relationship faced back then, back at seventeen are still revenant today, at twenty seven and maybe Lorelei was **wrong** , five years ago, when she sat on the bench in the dragonfly inn's kitchen and told me she _honestly believed Rory and I stood more a chance now than we did as adolescents of making things work between us._

 _"_ No more begging this time. There will be no more _me breaking as i watch you leave_ again, or letting myself feel anything when you say "no" and deny your feelings for me. because y'know what? i don't care anymore. not now and not in the future. i've finally figured it out, Rory. we never were going to have a future, were we? huh? you never saw me as a long term guy. no, no don't even try to make excuses. because i know the truth now. finally i've seen the light. _seen this for what it is_. you like to hide behind the fact that i walked out, that _i_ went looking for my father and didn't tell _you_ and didn't say anything all those times i rang you like i promised."

i take a breath, hardly remembering to breath, on a roll now. "and y'know why i just sat on the end of those phone lines in silence, Rory? because i missed you! and because i didn't _know how to say that_ without sounding like a complete tool. who was i to miss you? i fucking left you in the first place, didn't i? it was of my free will that i turned away from us and hid like a bloody coward. so by way of not speaking to you, as much as it hurt us both, IT WAS MY PUNISHMENT! it was what i felt, back then, that i deserved — for leaving you and then for having the audacity to hate myself for it." i kick at the curb and throw my arms out from my sides, only to have them fall back again against the slim sides of my body.


	8. Chapter 8

**CHAPTER EIGHT / RORY**

the desperation and panic which rises in his voice at each syllable is shattering. i feel every muscle in my body seize up and every limb go weak. it's as though every part of me is mush and any minute now, i'm going to faint. "Jess.." my voice trails off and he doesn't look at me.

"as much as i want to be with you, it seems the more i try to get to you, the further we crash apart. so i'm done, i'm _finished_. this is it, rory. this is me walking away. finally."

"no! you're always the one leaving!" i finally find my voice and step closer to him, angry and exhausted, the mixed bag of emotions i've felt over the last 24 hours all thrashing around inside my body.

"no i'm not! THAT'S YOU, RORY! you turn away from us time and time again! you never even said you loved me! yet you said it to dean, to logan, to _everyone_ but me, it seems. why is that? is it because you never did?" "you know it isn't." i scoff. "well, then, why? you owe me an explanation, i mean don't you think you owe me at least that?"

"at least, what, Jess? a reason why i never told you i loved you in the moment? okay, well if you get that, i want a reason for why you didn't just tell me what you were doing on that DAMN BUS TO HARTFORD! WHY YOU DIDN'T JUST SHARE YOUR PLANS OF CHASING AFTER YOUR DAD, WITH ME?! i want a reason for that, Jess!"

he rolls his eyes and takes his hands out of his pockets. "we've been over this, too many times, Rory. i'm not going in circles with you in the middle of the town square!" he holds his arms out wide. i look around us, noticing the stars have completely come out now and the town gazebo is to our right.

i remember him pushing me against that banister, kissing me as we walked through the snow and i tried to convince him to come to the winter carnival with me and Lane at 17. i remember that day like it was last week, but when i try to throw my mind back to all the moments i knew i truly loved him but held back from saying it aloud to him, i can't muster up a reason why. why did i hold back? from Jess, out of all three boys, why him?

"fine! well then, i'll think of something else! something else i want a reason for, something else you never explained! it can't be too hard to pick another situation when you kept something from me or acted out, since you practically never shared anything with me!" i blurt and he just shakes his head, touching a hand to his jaw, tilting his head down, losing his patience.

i know i'm pushing his buttons more than i probably have to now. i know i could get my point across with a different, more level-headed approach. but screw that, screw him. after all, i'm exhausted just like him, if not more than him! hell, i was the one who was in a foreign country only two nights ago.

" _what would Jess ever say to me if i saw him again?_ you wanted to talk, so _talk_. what do you have to say to me?"

 _"_ _I love you_ _"_

just the memory alone gives me the chills, but i can't let that stop me from getting answers. from finally confronting him about it. "how about when you drove off after telling me you loved me?! how about that, huh? why would you just drive away like that, Jess?" "what other choice did i have, Rory?" "oh, i don't know." i retort, sarcasm lacing my words. "maybe stand still for a _single split second_ so i could respond! so i could react how—"

"no, see, i'm not doing this." he interrupts, shaking his head and holding his hand out, keeping me back. his face is cold. "doing what?" i wipe at my wet tear stained cheeks. "you weren't going to say anything, Rory! don't you understand how driving away was the only choice i had?! there was no other option!"

"you can keep telling yourself that, Jess. but it isn't going to change the fact that you never once tried to get in contact with me since then!" "oh, yeah? what about when i turned up at the dorms at Yale?!" my stomach drops and it feels as though the ground beneath my feet has collapsed. i have dreaded the day i'd have to hear his voice utter those words.

 _"_ _what do you want?_ _"_ i remember yelling at him, annoyed to even see him.

 _"_ _i don'_ _t know i just wanted to see you. talk to you."_

he asked me to come with him that night, he wanted us to run away together, to new york, to live together and just work dead end jobs. he didn't think anything else mattered as long as we were together. "we'll finally be together, it's what i want, it's what you want too."

"w-what about it?" i stutter, finally saying something and he knows he's hit a nerve. "oh, forgot about that, did we?" his tone is cruel now. i'd try to talk some sense into him, but i know it's not bound to do any good.

there was never any breaking through that wall — that goes up when he realises he's let himself get to vulnerable, bear too much — not back then and still, it appears, not in the present day. if he wants to close himself off, then who am i to stand in his fucking way?

"YOU ALWAYS PUSH ME AWAY, JESS! YOU DELIBERATELY BRING UP THINGS THAT YOU KNOW ARE GOING TO HURT ME AND ARE GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION WHY I WANT TO BE WITH YOU!" he doesn't reply, he just stands there. he doesn't make some wise ass retort, fuelled by spite _and_ he doesn't defend himself.

all the memories, all the arguments we've ever had, all the yelling, all the times he kept something from me or he avoided my calls when he felt insecure about dean, all the times i had to watch him kiss shane in front of me and act like it didn't bother me — it's all crashing down on me.

there's that night, after i dropped out of Yale when he poked his head through the gate at my grandparents' place and i took him upstairs to my room there and he handed me his book. " _i_ _just came to give you that…and tell you, i couldn_ _'_ _t have done it without you._ "

the next day when he met logan and Logan was a jerk, Jess just walked away. he didn't let it get to him, he didn't start a fight. he proved to me, yet again, that he'd really grown up, moved past the attitude and chip on his shoulders that he used to have as a teenager.

" _this isn_ _'_ _t you, rory. i know it isn_ _'_ _t and you know it too_ " the words he said to me that night outside the bar with a pissed Logan inside, are what made me go back to Yale. they're what made me truly snap out of it — it was _Jess_ who convinced me that i shouldn't, that i _couldn't_ let mitchum huntzburger tell me i didn't have what it takes to break into the media industry.

" _maybe we_ _'_ _ll catch up_ _…_ _at a…_ _at a better time_." those were the words he said as he touched my arm lightly, that night, before he walked away one final time. i had no idea in the moment, but now flashing back to it, i can finally recall the tortured look on his face, which showed how painful it was for him to leave me behind, leave me with Logan.

" _i don't deserve this, Rory."_ i thought the last time i'd see Jess would be that book launch. i let him lean in, let him kiss me and then pulled away and treated him horribly. and yet, he still told me i could tell Logan something happened between him and i, if it'd make me feel better. " _take care of yourself, R_ _ory._ "

there's the night he stole my book and wrote in the margins, when we'd just met only nights earlier. _"i thought you said you didn't read much." he shrugs. "well what is much?" "good night dodger." "dodger?" "figure it out.." "oliver twist?"_

there's the day he was fixing our rain gutters for extra cash, which Luke had arranged with Mum and i tried to give Jess a lecture and slipped up about how i'd thought there was something between us beyond friendship.

 _"_ _I would really appreciate it, if you would try to get along with my mom..she's also my best friend in the world, so if you care about me at all, you will take that into consideration and you will be mildly polite to_ _her."_ i'd said. _"_ _what makes you think i care about you?_ _"_ comes his response.

it's all too much. all the unanswered questions, all the heartache, the lingered glances, the dance marathon when dean broke up with me right in front of everybody and jess came to find me on the bridge afterwards, telling me dean was a jerk. the way he'd kissed me, telling me there would be a next time of him meeting my grandparents but there never was. the way he'd watched me intently, unwavering and unafraid, on the day of Mum and Luke's wedding. it's all there, it's all proof of what we have, proof that he cares, proof that there's never been anybody else, that he's always stayed with me, whenever i go, whatever i do.

"I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE, JESS! I DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE IS THERE! YOU SAID SO YOURSELF, WE'VE BEEN OVER THE SAME THINGS, THE SAME POINTS, AGAIN AND AGAIN. AND WE STILL CAN'T FIGURE OUT WHERE WE WENT WRONG! MAYBE WE'VE JUST GONE BACK OVER IT, _ONE TOO MANY TIMES_! MAYBE THERE REALLY ISN'T AN ANSWER! MAYBE I WAS IDIOT FOR NOT TELLING YOU I LOVED YOU WHEN I KNEW I DID, _BUT_ MAYBE YOU WERE EQUALLY AN IDIOT FOR NOT COMMUNICATING WITH ME, FOR KEEPING A PART OF YOURSELF LOCKED AWAY, ALWAYS!"

i turn around, embarrassed at having lost myself in the past, unsure of what he's been thinking in these recent minutes and upset that we're still yelling, we're still locking heads when it comes to communication.

deep down, i know i have to say it, i _need_ to say it. _to_ him, about him. it's time. it was foolish of me to wait this long. to trick myself into thinking it didn't matter to him, it wouldn't help him. how blind was i, at seventeen, to not realise that was all he needed? for me to tell him i loved him and that we'd make it when i went off to Yale. that we'd be okay, as long as we were together.

"don't turn away from us, Rory. not again. please." his voice breaks through my thoughts and it's raw and it's honest and it's vulnerable. all the things Jess never wanted to admit that he is, all the things he would fight so hard to conceal when we were younger.

"i'm not, Jess. or at least, i don't want to.." i walk towards him, closing the space between us quickly and wrapping my arms around his neck, pulling him close. his breathes are short and quick. "can we really do this, Jess? finally dive right in?"

"we can if we really want to." "i really want to, i do. so bad." i tell him, locking eyes. "then i guess we're doing this." he replies, his voice barely above a husky whisper. "we're diving?" "we're diving." he confirms and i smile, before kissing him. "i love you, Jess Mariano."

we kiss some more and then pull apart, still standing as close as we can get. i'm leaning against his chest. his lips are cold but his eyes are warm and i'm crying again, but this time they're happy tears and he's the one reaching out to stroke my cheek, wiping them away so i don't have to do it myself. "i know we've had our hard times but i'm so glad we're together now. you are it for me. i think i've known it for a while..maybe even all these years." i tell him as his smile only grows, dimples popping in his cheeks.

and as his lips find mine again, all the fights, all the hurt — it all disappears. and the only thing left inside my mind, comes out of nowhere and is a line from a book i read a few years back, something which sums up what Jess and I are doing perfectly, in nine simple words. t _here_ _'_ _s no denying, this may well leave a mark._


	9. Chapter 9

**CHAPTER NINE / JESS**

she wants us to go back to her house and sit down Luke and Lorelei to tell them, straight away. i tell her it's still so fresh, we should wait for the novelty to wear off, at least a little bit, before we rush around spreading the word. just in case, she doesn't feel the same way tomorrow morning, i suggest. she kissed me hard and deep as way of arguing this impossibility. i laughed and told her to go back to Lane's, finish catching up with her best friend and that i felt like talking a walk, just being alone to sort out my thoughts for a bit.

she nodded, understanding me the way no one else ever has before, knowing instantly what i'd meant. she agreed to let me go after just one more kiss. that turned into another and another. until finally, her lips red and swollen, she stepped back and gave me the okay to go. "i don't ever want to be the one walking away ever again." she said.

"so does that mean you're always going to be the one watching me go when we have to leave each other?" i joked and she shoved me, blushing but nodding never the less. "pretty much." "you don't think it'd make more sense to just turn away at exactly the same time?" i suggested.

now, it's been about half an hour and i'm looking into the darkened windows of Stars Hollow's Books. she skips toward me, a giddy expression bouncing about her features. "well, don't you look happy?" i laugh as she leaps into my arms, much like she did in New York when i'd met her outside her work. "i have a lot to be happy about it." she replies, kissing me.

"you had a good chat with Lane, then?" she laughs, shaking her head. "you didn't have a good chat with Lane?" i back peddle, frowning."no. yes. wait." she pauses and then starts again. "i mean, i _did_. of course, i did. but that's not what's got me in such a good mood." "it's not?" i ask, playing dumb. she smiles. "no." she waits until after kissing me some more before finishing. "you see, i just got back together with my boyfriend and he's kind of amazing so that might be why i'm smiling so much."

i laugh, throwing my head back and her face is bright when i look back at her again. i slide a hand over her cheek. "you're so beautiful, rory." her smile only grows. "i love you." i say before we kiss again, going deeper this time.

"i love everything about you. i knew it, even when you walked away from us, away from stars hollow at 17." she adds when we break apart.

"well, maybe i only _walked away_ because it was real and i was too young for real. they tell you, you won't find love until you're grown, until you're older but they're _wrong_. they lied. because we found it at seventeen. and god, how true it is." i reply as she strokes my arm, listening carefully. "shall we go home?" she asks after agreeing with me. "yeah, let's go home." i reply, slinging my arm around her shoulders as she puts hers around my waist and we cross the road.

it's late at night when we get back to Lorelei's house so we find Luke and her are getting ready for bed. "can we talk in the morning?" i see Rory whisper into her Mum's shoulder when they hug goodnight. "sure, thing, kid." her Mum winks, thinking it's something secretive and tells me she hopes i sleep alright on the floor. which is followed by another wink. Rory looks to me, panicked, thinking her Mum's caught on and already knows and we're not going to get the chance to break the news to them how we'd planned on our walk back.

Luke gives Lorelei a pained look. "don't give them any ideas." he remarks, hugging me and then kissing Rory's hair before taking Lorelei's hand in his and leading her up the stairs. "night!" Lorelei waves, watching us as she climbs the stairs. i'm only mildly surprised she doesn't trip since i've seen Lorelei walk backwards many times.

she seems to have mastered the act of not tearing your eyes away from somebody until the very last moment, which no doubt comes in handy when she's had to walk away from a conversation with Rory that they both know isn't finished yet.

"THEY'RE BACK TOGETHER, YOU KNOW THAT, RIGHT?" I look to Rory who's already looking back at me, as we stand below the bannister of her staircase. "WHAT? LORELAI, YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT." Rory and I overhear Luke's reply. "NO, LUKE. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO HAS NO IDEA..RORY AND JESS, THEY'RE TOGETHER NOW…AGAIN. IT'S SO OBVIOUS, HOW COULD YOU HAVE NOT NOTICED? THE WAY THEY STOOD TOGETHER AND SHARED THAT LOOK."

"TWO PEOPLE STOOD SIDE BY SIDE AND LOOKED AT EACH OTHER, NO WAY, REALLY? WAIT, ARE YOU SURE? DO YOU WANT TO CALL THE POLICE OR SHOULD I?" Luke mocks. "HONESTLY, LORELAI, JUST BECAUSE THEY STOOD CLOSE DOESN'T MEAN THEY'VE FIGURED ANYTHING OUT, YET. THEY'RE PROBABLY AVOIDING TALKING ABOUT IT..YOU KNOW HOW JESS IS. HE AVOIDS SERIOUS STUFF WHEN HE CAN HELP IT."

Gee, thanks for that, Uncle Luke. i mutter to the ceiling. "I KNOW MY KID, IS ALL I'M SAYING AND THAT GIRL DOWN THERE IS SO DATING THAT YOUR NEPHEW!" "OKAY, EW. CAN YOU NOT REMIND THE FACT THAT THEY'RE ALMOST RELATED?" to this, Lorelei scoffs. "LUKE, DON'T BE RIDICULOUS, THEY'RE NOT RELATED." "I KNOW THEY'RE NOT BY BLOOD, BUT TECHNICALLY, BECAUSE WE'RE MARRIED AND THEY'RE EACH RELATED TO ONE OF US.." "NO, EW, NO." Lorelei shrieks. "DON'T EVER SAY THAT AGAIN." "WHAT? IT'S THE—" "IT'S NOT ANYTHING BUT UNNECESSARY." Lorelei insists.

"YOU REALLY THINK THEY'RE BACK TOGETHER?" Uncle Luke's voice drops low and Lorelei must nod or something because the next thing we hear is Luke's voice again. "OH WOW. THIS IS GREAT, DON'T YOU THINK THIS IS GREAT? I THINK THIS IS GREAT." Lorelei laughs. "I SEEM TO REMEMBER YOU SAYING THAT VERY SAME THING WHEN THEY WERE SEVENTEEN AND I FIRST TOLD YOU THEY GOT TOGETHER AT THAT DANCE MARATHON THING THE TOWN HOLDS."

"BETTER THAN GREAT. WOW. RORY AND JESS, JESS AND RORY. THAT SURE IS SOMETHING, ISN'T IT?" Uncle Luke keeps going as though Lorelei hadn't spoken. Rory looks away from the staircase to face me, coming over to nuzzle into my side. i put my arm around her. we don't need to hear anymore. "Sounds sure do travel in this house, don't they?" i say as we both burst out laughing and walk to her room together. i think it's pretty clear how Uncle Luke feels about us being together by the surprised and happy tone of his voice.

we let go so she can shut the door behind us. "you can forget that crumby mattress on the floor, by the way. you'll sleep where you belong. up here with me." she says firmly as she pulls back the covers of her bed. she doesn't ask me to but i still turn around when she changes into her pyjamas. she laughs when she sees my back. "Jess, i'm done. you can look at places other than the wall, now." "hey, don't tease. i was being respectful." i say. "respectful." she repeats, nodding. "now take your pants off and get into bed."

i laugh and strip down to my boxers, climbing up onto the bed with her. she kisses me and then lies down. i pull the covers up. she reaches for my arm after rolling onto her side, facing away from me and brings it over her as i turn onto my side too. "are we really going to be one of those couples that spoons?" i cringe. "oh, shut up. you love it." she tells me not unkindly, lacing her fingers through mine and closing her eyes.

and she's probably right because i fall asleep quicker than i have in ages.

in the morning i wake up, roll over and reach across for Rory, hoping to hug her close kiss her cheek but i'm alone. i sit up in bed, glancing around, just as Rory slips back inside. she's fully dressed and pulling her hair out of a messy bun. "oh hey, you're awake!" "where have you been?" i ask, rubbing my eyes.

"oh, i had a shower. don't worry, i haven't been up for long or anything like that." "are we ever going to wake up together?" i pose, thinking back to how she had showered and dressed before i'd even opened an eyelid yesterday in New York. she laughs and comes over to me, sensing that i need reassurance.

she pecks my lips and strokes my arm. "oh, Jess, of course we are. i just didn't want you to smell my bad bed breath yet and see me…well, un-groomed, i guess. at least, not yet. there'll be plenty of time for you to see me like that, i promise you." she laughs, unbothered and pushes my bangs back from my face. "you woke up just in time, too."

"just in time for what?" i ask, widening my eyes. "it's alright, don't look so freaked out, babe. it's just i heard Mum and Luke's shower running before so they're up. it won't be long until they come downstairs to make breakfast but if you make a break for it now, you might just have time to slip into the bathroom downstairs to shower and get dressed without being seen." i nod, getting the message and peck the side of her head before scrambling to get out of bed and gather some fresh clothes.

sure enough, when i wander back into the kitchen, after my shower, Lorelei and Rory are sitting at the table, talking. Rory smiles as i walk past and go into her room. i shove my old boxers into the bottom of my bag and curse that i forgot a toothbrush. i'll have to pick one up at Doosey's Market, i make a mental reminder for myself and return to the kitchen.

"Want some coffee?" Rory offers, getting up and fetching a mug from one of the top cupboards. "oh, actually, Luke was hoping we could all have breakfast at the diner together." Lorelei pipes up, looking from Rory to me.

i shove my hands into my back pockets, swaying back on the balls of my feet. "Uh, yeah. sure. that sounds fine. i mean, if that's what Rory wants." i look over Lorelei's head to Rory who returns the mug to the cupboard before coming back towards me.

"That sounds great, Mum." she tells Lorelei. "Awesome." Lorelei pushes her chair back from the table, standing up. "well, i'll just feed Paul Anka and then we'll go?" "sure." Rory and i both agree as Lorelei leaves the room.

"you okay?" Rory asks, placing a hand on my cheek. i lean into it without thinking and let myself relax. "i am now." i reply as she sighs herself and puts her other hand on my hip, hugging me. "you sure you're okay with breakfast? i know it's very different to us just eating quietly here. there's probably going to be locals there and they might ask questions, y'know at seeing us together again.." her voice trails off and i shake my head, meeting her eyes. i make my voice as sincere as i can manage, having woken up only ten minutes ago.

"i'm sure, Rory. trust me, i'm going to tell you when i'm not, this time around." she nods. "good." we kiss, hearing the sound of dog pellets being poured into a bowl in the next room. "so, Paul Anka finally got over his insistence at only eating in the kitchen, it seems." Rory informs me as i follow her back into her room to put on a jacket and scarf. i hold my hand out to her as we head to the front door and she takes it without even looking.

"sleep okay?" Lorelei asks me as we start the walk to Luke's, Rory between us. "yeah." i reply, as Rory starts swinging our arms like school kids do when they're forced into the buddy system on an excursion or school trip of some kind. Rory smiles between me and her Mum, happiness etched on every inch of her face. as Rory and i jump up on the step to go into Luke's, Lorelei stops. "Rory, honey, could i maybe have a quick word with Jess?"

Rory's hand is around the door knob but she doesn't move. "uh.." "just him and me. it'll only take a sec." Lorelei clarifies, as though that detail wasn't already clear. "Rory, go on in." i kiss her cheek. "i'm okay." she waits, sizing me up as though looking for a fault in my assurance. she mustn't find one though, since she tells us she'll save a table and order her Mum's regular while she's waiting, disappearing through the diner door.

"so, Jess.." Lorelei meets my eyes. "Lorelei.." "why don't we go over here? so we're not blocking the entrance or anything." she points and we move aside as a couple smile and bustle through. we're standing by the window now as she turns back to face me. "Rory caught me up to speed this morning." "i figured as much." i say, fidgeting by clapping my fist into my palm, making a clicking sound like i used to do when i was seventeen and had to stand somewhere and be talked down to by an adult. it's crazy how much being back with Rory has made me remember habits and tendencies from my past.

"I just wanted to touch bases with you and say that my statement from five years ago still stands." that catches me off guard. i look away from the road and back to her face. "it does?" i clear my throat, not intending for my voice to sound so incredulous. Lorelei smiles, obviously enjoying this, amused at watching me squirm. this makes me think back to when Rory told me she enjoyed watching me squirm and that it was entertaining for her. i remember telling her _not to get used to it_.

the memory makes me smile, which Lorelei must mistake for me being pleased with her approval. "i'm glad you remember what i said." she touches my arm, as though she's about to walk away and then thinks better of it. her grip tightens slightly. "and, Jess?"

"yeah?" "if you hurt her again, you won't just have me to answer to this time, you'll have Luke and he may've forgiven you the last time because you were young and he thought Rory was better off without you since you hadn't quite figured out what path you were gunna take yet, but let me just clear something up for you..he's not gunna let you leaving Rory a second time, slide."

i don't even think about it. my reply comes naturally and i'm worried afterwards that Lorelei might mistake it for me being a smart ass, always ready with a smug retort. "you and Luke don't have to worry about that. i am not walking out on Rory a second time, and you can hold me to that." when Lorelei stifles a small smile, i know we're okay and she's not angry. "well, okay then. if you sound so sure, Luke and i _will_ hold you to that." i nod and she lets go of my arm, moving past me and entering the diner.

i push the door back, following behind her and look to Luke behind the till, passing a plate over to Kirk who sits at the counter with a girl beside him. "hey, who's that chick Kirk's talking to? don't tell me weird man-child Kirk has a lady friend?" i whisper to Rory, sitting down beside her and resting my hand on the back of her chair. she laughs, leaning in to reply. "oh, yeah. that's Lulu. i forgot you never got to meet her. they've been together for ages. it's like they're made for each other. she puts up with all his weird quirks and he adores her."

"huh." i snatch up a chilli fry, tossing it in my mouth as Rory laughs at me and rests her head on my chest, pulling her chair closer. i rub her back with one hand and reach for another fry with the other. "hey, don't fill up on chilli fries. you've got a real breakfast coming." Luke announces, coming over, balancing plates all up his arms. Lorelei plucks a plate down, passing it to Rory and helps Luke dish the meals out. "Thank you." i say, receiving mine. Lorelei adds salt and pepper while Rory takes a sip of her orange juice. They work seamlessly between one another, taking forkfuls of the other's plate and chatting all the while.

Luke and i share a look. there's no denying the connection Rory and her Mum share, it's as if they are in sync. after we eat, Luke jolts his head towards the storeroom, mutters something to Lorelei about getting back to work and seeing her later for dinner, kisses her cheek before swinging his leg over the chair, standing and walking away. i put down my glass and touch a hand to Rory's arm resting on the table. "I'll be right back." "everything okay?" "yep, Luke just wants a word." i whisper back. "oh, okay." relief fills her face and she kisses my lips before i walk away, not quick enough to miss hearing Lorelei say "now, _that's_ a kiss!"

"Mum!" "what? you don't remember Babette, Miss Patty and i giving you a hard time on thanksgiving when you and Jess first got together about how you kissed—" "i remember, okay!" Rory interrupts, her voice shrill, mortified at Lorelei. "i just wasn't expecting you to bring it up now, out of nowhere!" "it wasn't out of nowhere!" Lorelei argues. "this was the first time you guys have kissed in front of me since!" i smirk to myself, silently wishing Rory luck on getting herself out of the awkward conversation with her mother as i duck into the storeroom.

"Look, if this is about giving me a _don't hurt Rory_ heart to heart, you can save it since Lorelei already took care of that." Luke folds his arms across his chest, glaring at me. "let me guess? _shut up Jess._ " i say, predicating what he was going to say. he nods one and i zip it. "i pulled you in here to ask some questions. and you're going to answer them, got it? no wisecracks, no one word answers, no avoiding—"

"i _got_ it." i interrupt, rolling my eyes. Luke's glare strengthens. "Question one, have you and Rory talked about what this means for her career?" "excuse me?" "Well, she travels a lot and you..well, don't." "hey!" i take a step forward. "i'm just saying!" Luke retorts. "And anyway, it's true, Jess. now, neither of you are seventeen anymore so i'm not going to play the guardian card and try to lay down some ground rules or anything superior like that." "well, good to know." "no sarcasm either!" he whacks my chest, not hard enough for it to hurt, just to snap me into gear.

"Lorelei and i will not have you holding her back." "Luke, i really don't think you're—" He holds up a hand, motioning that he wasn't finished. "she's finally made a name for herself, after all those years of working hard and dedicating herself, of putting her studies first. and you will not step in now, and mess it all up. her world is chaotic enough without you adding stress to—"

"now that's not necessary—" i interject only to have him talk over the top of me before i can even begin to point out that he's overstepping. Rory and i are both only a few years away from thirty now, so i hardly think Uncle Luke should be telling us how to run our lives.

"Question two, have you given much thought to where you're going to live? Because i know you settled back in New York a few months ago but as i said Rory's job can take her anywhere and everywhere, so that's definitely a discussion worth having. You'll both need to sit down and—"

"let me guess.. _discuss_ it?" i mock and Luke gives me a bored strained look, as though merely standing here and attempting this conversation with me is painful for him. "Jess, can you just her serious, please? this is real life and i know you and Rory both like to live with your heads in the books but if you guys being together is really going to work, it'll mean commitment and hard work for both parties." "i know all this, Uncle Luke. look, i appreciate the sentiment, i really do, but don't you think Rory and i are old enough to realise we have to figure all of this out, ourselves?"

i continue. "don't you have just a little bit of faith in us that we'll know what to do?" Luke's arms are still crossed and his expression stays completely blank as he replies; "no, i do not." i laugh, thinking he's kidding just to emphasise his point but when he doesn't join in, i stop. "you're not kidding?" he shakes his head. "i was the one who supported this from the start, Jess. but that doesn't mean i won't hesitate to step in this time around, if things start to go downhill again. do i make myself clear?" "crystal." i scoff as Luke turns me back around and pushes me towards the exit. "alright then, i'm glad we understand each other."

"now let's head back to the girls, shall we?" his suggestion is more of an instruction so i lead the way back to the table. but as i watch Uncle Luke sit back down, telling Lorelei that Caesar's got the kitchen covered for now and that Luke can afford to sit with us for a little longer, i can't seem to bring myself to follow. "Jess?" Rory draws away from her conversation with her mother to look over to me.

i don't say anything as Lorelei smiles at Luke, touching a hand to his face, evidently delighted at the prospect of him not putting work first. i grab my jacket off the back of my chair and am out the door, down the step and crossing the street almost before my brain can process the message to my muscles and limbs. it's as though they're acting on their own accord.

"Jess! Hey! Where are you going?!" Rory runs out after me. _of course she does._ how could even a small part of me have thought she would just stay behind in the diner and let me walk out? "Jess, i know you can hear me!" she finally catches up to me and jumps in front, forcing me to stop. i shrug my jacket on and look anywhere but at her. "why can't you look at me?" she asks, her eyes already dimming, her voice laced with hurt. "Jess, what the hell did Luke say to you?"

when i still don't explain, she brings her arms around her, shivering against the cold without her coat or scarf since she left them back in the diner from chasing after me so quickly. "you can tell me. you know you can. what happened?" "i'm just fucking sick of people interfering in our lives, Rory. in our relationship, if you can even call it that."

"what is that supposed to mean?" "well, i don't know whether we're actually dating right now, are we? because i don't think you can call randomly making out a few times and then agreeing to give things another go, dating?" "and why not?" she retorts, frowning at me, confused and growing defensive.

"we're diving. that's what we're doing. we're diving all in this time. we're not letting people constantly toss their two cents in and hold us back from being honest with each other, from baring all." she finishes. i shake my head, noticing people looking our way and whispering to whoever's next to them. "fuck, i hate small towns." i mutter and Rory's eyes grow wide. "Jess.."

"can't you see this?" i explode, stretching my arms out. "don't pretend you can't, Rory! everybody's talking! everybody's already judging us, already chiming in with their thoughts!" i try to calm myself down as she puts a hand on my chest, stepping closer. "Jess, it's okay. we're okay. ignore them, just don't think about them..they don't matter."

"except, they do, don't they?" i say and her eyebrows crease together. "what? what are you talking about?" "the people of this town. this whole fucking place! it does matter to you, all of it matters to you!" "well, yeah. it's my home. it's where i was raised. it's where i feel safest." her answer is honest and comes easily to her, i can tell.

i take her hands in my own, sudden and with an urgency that catches her off guard. "let's leave, Rory." "what?" "let's get away, just you and me." "from Luke's?" she glances back over her shoulder at the diner. "from Stars Hollow!" "why? Jess, we only just got here yesterday." "i know that, Rory, but already, people are talking, already we're being pushed and prodded and studied and observed." "Jess, you're acting crazy. nobody's prodding anybody, we're not being studied!"

"except that we are, Rory!" "by who?" she scoffs, disbelief and judgement knotting together among her features. i feel a twist in my chest somewhere deep as i open my mouth to answer. "by Luke, by your Mum, by this whole screwed up place!" "Jess, don't say that about the town! this is my home, remember and it once was yours too!" i scoff and she pulls her hands away. "Rory.." "No, Jess. my answer's no." "answer to what?"

"to whether we can leave right now. i'm saying no, i don't want to run away." "Rory.." i reach for her again and she lets me wrap my arms around her waist, touching a hand to my neck and locking eyes with me. "Jess, i love you. and i can understand that being here again might be hard for you because you don't have the same memories associated with this place as me."

"well, that's the understatement of the year." i scoff and throw my attention out over the town square, still holding Rory close, but with a pain in my head starting from the stress and the suffocation that always threatens to take over me whenever i'm back here.

Rory holds my chin and turns my face back to her, "look at me when i say this, Jess." "as much as it might feel like it, nobody is looking at us. nobody is judging us, or _you_." she pauses, releasing my chin but moving her hand to my shoulder. "this is your home. i know it might not have always felt like it, but you were always welcome here. at Luke's."

"my home has always been New York." i correct and she sighs. "yes, i know that, but what i'm trying to say is this place was too and still is, if you let it." "do you remember what i said to you at Yale?" i say, changing the subject. she frowns at me, upset that i'm not listening or taking in what she's telling me.

"which part?" she finally relents. "because if i'm being entirely honest, that whole night was a blur and i think my mind tried to block it out pretty much straight after it happened.." it's me who sighs this time and fiddles with the hem of her top, looking down as she keeps her attention on trying to read my expression.

"the part when i said come with me, let's run away, _i'm ready for this now, you can count on me, i knew you couldn't count on me before but you can now._." "you can." she repeats just as i did that night. "what about it, Jess?" "well, it still applies now." i start. "i suggested that we move to New York together that night, that we work and live together.. and i want to do that still but i know your job means you travel a lot so we can go anywhere.."

"we can't, Jess. your life is in New York, what about Truncheon?" she pauses and then shakes her head. "this is crazy, anyway. we don't have to talk about this now. we don't have to decide right now, so why are you worrying about it?"

"because, Rory, because this place," we both look around us. "..it's no good for us, it's suffocating, it'll suck the fun out of what we have, it'll make you question things.." "Jess, hey, listen to me." she cups my face in both her hands. "it's not making me question anything. i know i want to be with you. i know what we have is for good, now, that we'll make it last this time." "but we can't do that here. it won't work if we stay here." "we're not staying here. who said anything about us staying here?"

"Jess, talk to me, explain. please. where are you getting this from? this idea that we're being watched, that people are controlling us, interfering?" she tries to force me to look her in the eye, still holding my face. i place a hand on her arm. "forget about Truncheon. forget about that fact that i live in New York for a second, okay?" "okay.." her voice is unsure, guarded. she probably thinks i've lost it, that i'm talking like a madman, my point all scattered and lost.

"i'll follow you." "follow me?" "follow you wherever you go. wherever your career takes you. Rory, i love you and what I'm trying to say is don't think i'm tied down to New York, because i'm not. i'll leave it behind in a heartbeat if that's what you want, if that's what you need me to do..for this, for _us_." she almost lets herself smile and starts to trace circles on my jaw with her forefinger. "Jess, thank you but i couldn't ask you do that. i love that you're willing to talk about this, to decide things, because i know we have to, we really do, but must we discuss this now? can't we wait until later, at least? until we're alone and not _out in the middle of the street alone_ but actually somewhere just us?" she laughs, trying to make light but i pull back. "yeah, sure. okay." i say but she knows i'm closing myself off. i can see it behind her eyes, that she knows. she can recognise the telltale signs now. maybe she was able to recognise them, even back then, but just never said anything.

"Jess..what are you doing? don't leave, come back inside with me. breakfast is almost finished okay? i just want to finish talking with Mum, come sit with me inside, okay?" i shake my head, shoving my hands roughly into my pockets, my jacket being blown open by the wind because i never did do it up. "i don't think i can do that, Rory."

"what do you mean? of course you can. Jess, come on..stop being like this." her voice goes up an octave or two and i realise something. "like what?" she bites her bottom lip. "like what, Rory?! LIKE THIS? LIKE THIS IS HOW I AM? YOU'RE ASKING ME TO STOP BEING LIKE HOW I AM?!" "NO, I'M NOT ASKING THAT, JESS. GODDAMN IT. OF COURSE, NOT!"

She screams back at me, her face red, her tone frustrated. "i don't want to fight with you, Jess. i don't want to yell anymore. i'm sick of our screaming matches in the streets!" "yeah, well, i'm sick of you putting this town, putting everybody else before me!" "what are you saying? i don't think even you know anymore. where did this come from, Jess? ten minutes ago we were fine! sitting at the table, before Luke and you went into the store—what did he say to you?" she interrupts herself, her train of thought obviously being tripped up by another.

"oh my god, what did he say?" she walks over to me since i'd started to retreat. she grabs at my jacket, balling tuffs of it inside her fists. "Jess, tell me." she demands. she isn't asking anymore, she's practically ropable. "Rory, i just want go…" my voice sounds like a whine. and maybe that's what i'm doing, maybe i _am_ whining but so what? if that's what it'll take for her to see how damaging this town is to us, then i have to try.

"Jess, if you won't tell me, i'll go back in there and get it out of Luke." "Rory..it's nothing. please. i'm just overreacting, like i always do. please just drop it." i sigh and cover both her fists with my own hands, but she shoves me back, letting go and storms off to the diner. "RORY!" I shout after her, taking a step forward. but i don't follow her, i don't chase her. because i'm sick of chasing after her. i won't do it anymore. instead i curse at the sky and do up my jacket as i walk away, in the opposite direction. leaving the diner, Luke and Lorelei, and Rory behind


	10. Chapter 10

**CHAPTER TEN / RORY**

"what the hell did you say to him?!" the door to the diner smashes back into the wall from the force with which i pushed it open. i'm past the counter and around to where Mum and Luke sit in seconds. Mum looks up, shock flying across her face, followed by a mildly mortified expression. "Rory, calm down. where's Jess?" i ignore her and glare at Luke, if my eyes could shoot daggers, i would've been doing that in this moment. "WHAT DID YOU SAY TO HIM, LUKE?" "Rory, i don't know what he said to you but i didn't mean any harm, it really wasn't a big deal."

"GODDAMN IT, LUKE, ANSWER ME OR I SWEAR TO GOD, I WILL—" "Rory, honey, people are looking. Lower your voice, please." Mum pushes her chair back, standing. "Perhaps we should go. Luke, we'll see you after you finish work later. i'll take Rory home and we can all discuss this later." "no!" i throw my arms up, letting them smack against my sides again. "there will be no discussing anything later, because we're leaving!" "what? Rory, you just got here last night! you can't leave, we haven't see you in months and you've been looking forward to spending some time at home ever since—"

"well, somethings change, Mum." i talk over the top of her and gather up my things, wrapping my scarf around my neck in a messy fashion, not really caring. "Unless Luke tells me what he threatened Jess about, i'm not—" "now, hang on just a minute." Luke stands, holding his hands up. "i did not threaten the kid. is that what he told you? is that what he said that i did? that little—" "no, of course, that's not what he said you did. he wouldn't tell me what you did!" i explode again, feeling out of breath and as though something heavy is resting on my heart.

"he asked me to leave. he wants to get away from this town and i need to understand why." "well, maybe that's something you should take up with him, Rory. after all, if you guys really stand a chance at working out this time, don't you think communicating with each other is an important part of that? i don't think it's very fair of you to come back in here to make a scene, the way you have, and simply demand Luke to catch you up to speed. shouldn't you be able to rely on your boyfriend to do that?" Mum tries to reason with me but i won't have it. "oh, just shut up, Mum!" i shout and she touches a hand to her chest, leaning back as though i took a swing at her.

"we were fine until we came back here! Jess and I, we were better than fine! we were happy!" "Rory, look i really didn't mean to cause any trouble between you and Jess. i just pointed out to him that there are a lot of factors to consider, for the both of you to figure out. it's not going to be simple, merging your lives together. i just wanted to warn him that he was likely going to have to make some compromises on a few things and, i mean, so are you, probably. i just told him that your Mum and i, we don't want to see either of you get hurt, but we also don't want to see you sacrificing your career, or trying to mould your work around him to—"

"Luke," i start. "i don't mean to upset you by saying this, but you had no right, _no right_ to get involved. i know you care about Jess and that, you care about me too. i know you only want the best for us but you absolutely should not have interfered." "Rory, he didn't interfere, he was just trying to help Jess understand the reality of the situation. this is real life, kid, not a fairytale. and as much as you and Jess love your fiction stories, things don't always work out that easy in real life."

"God, you act like we're just kids, Mum! only, we're not anymore! we're grown. i turn 28 in October. and Jess is less than three years away from thirty, already! we are not children! we can figure this out on our own. and we will." i pause to take a breath, realising how exasperated i must sound, yet again. "look, i love you both. both your opinions, your inputs, they mean a lot to me but ultimately, i have to make my own decisions. and the same goes for Jess." "we know this, Rory." Mum puts in and i look from her to Luke, and back and forth some more. "good. well, okay then." i turn towards the door. "so you're not leaving town already, right?"

i stop, looking back at them. "no no, we _are_." i answer and Mum and Luke look mortified once more. "Rory, please, i really didn't mean to upset you or make things difficult." Luke stumbles over his words, his voice hurt and muddled. "i know that, Luke. and thank you for trying to look out for me. but i think Jess was right all those years back when he turned up at my dorms and told me we have to start new, somewhere away from here, away from New York. And he still is right, today."

"but, where are you going to go? Rory, do you really have to take off _right now_? you only just got here. i've really missed you while you've been overseas working and i've been really craving some girl time." Mum comes towards me, touching a hand to my arm. i hug her and then kiss her cheek, pulling back.

"i've missed you too and i promise i'll come home again much sooner than i did this time. i won't stay away for that long again, i swear. but right now, this is what i need to do. i need to go back to the house, find Jess and pack our things. i'll call you when we've figured stuff out, okay? i'll call you both." i move around Mum to smile back at where Luke stands at our table, with all the chairs pushed back except Jess's which is neatly flushed under the table.

"Rory, please don't think i tried to sabotage things between you and Jess. you've got to know, i wouldn't try to do that, ever. it'd kill me to know you think i'd purposely try and stick my head where it doesn't belong. you know me, i've never been someone to get involved in someone else's business.." "i know, Luke. and i believe you. really, we're okay." i assure him, glancing back to Mum one last time before pulling the diner door back open and walking out, shutting it behind me slowly this time and breaking into a run down the sidewalk. i tell myself that it's stupid to think Jess would just take off, but i can't seem to get my legs to stop running. i mean, it's not like he hasn't just taken off before, leaving me behind.

my phone buzzes in my back pocket as i rush about town, looking for him. i draw the phone out, barely glancing at the contact ID before answering it and bringing it to my ear. "Hello? Jess?" "Jess—what, no! It's Paris." Paris's shrill voice comes down the line and i flinch, holding the phone away from me for a moment.

"Paris, hi. sorry, i'm kinda busy right now, could i maybe call you back later?" "Rory, i haven't heard from you in weeks! where have you been?" i frown. "that's not true, i called you from the airport in Monaco." "oh, right." Paris shrugs. "oh, well. what's new? why did you think i was Jess?" she changes the subject, unfazed by the fact that she seems to have completely blanked on how we talked only three days ago.

"because i'm looking for him and he's run off." suddenly everything comes rushing out and before i even realise what i'm doing, i've told Paris everything that's happened ever since spotting him in Central Perk. she whistles down the end of the phone. "boy, Rory, it sure has been a hectic last 48 hours for you." "that's all you've got to say?! i pour my heart out to you, obviously in dire need of some advice and guidance from my best friend and you whistle?!"

"okay, okay." Paris gets serious, knuckling down, like she always down and finding her game plan voice. i stop still on the sidewalk, wanting to concentrate and process what she says to me, knowing it's likely to be just what i need to snap out of this and find Jess, ready with just what to say to reassure him we're going to make it.

"Well, Rory, it sounds to me, this is really quite simple and you're just making it complicated." "Gee, thanks for that, Paris." i roll my eyes, glad she can't see me. "Look, you've only got to ask yourself _what is it about him_ that you're always seeking out?"

"but, what is it that you you think i should do? give it another go with him? i mean, what else is there? we haven't been together since we were seventeen, Paris! Is it really that absurd for me to have a hint of doubt in my mind that this might not work? that maybe the reason we've never found our way back to each other, through all these years, is because we simply aren't right for each other?"

"oh, that whole _is he right for me or not right for me_ debate is bullshit, Rory! you know that, right? don't tell me that's what's got your head spinning over this." She dismisses that straight away. "but, what else is there though, Paris?" i repeat and this time she's ready with an answer which somehow erases all my doubt.

Reminding me of that night Jess brought the care package over to the house and ate takeout food with Paris and me, debating the classics and matching Paris with her rant over politics, i think about how i knew he was special back then and without realising it, could maybe even instinctively tell that he was going to be one that stood apart from the rest, the one that stuck with me, even when we were apart.

"He reads Jane Austin for fuck's sake! what else is there, _really_ Rory?" i tell her thanks and i'll get back to her later, hanging up just as she shouts "GO GET HIM, RORY!" enthusiastically down the phone. i suddenly remember Paris and Doyle attended a party last night to celebrate Doyle getting his own column at the paper he's worked at for the last three years or so.

huh, okay that explains her irrational headspace and the fact that she called me out of the blue the way she did — she's probably still a bit drunk. i finally see our house looming up ahead, putting the disturbing image of Paris and Doyle dancing drunkenly on tabletops out of my head and focusing on finding Jess.

"JESS!" I shout darting across our lawn, passing Mum's old jeep. "hey, sugar, you looking for that bad boy spunk of yours?" Babette's voice carries in the wind over from where she stands on her front stoop, watching Morey water the garden. "not now, Babette! sorry, in a rush!" i shout back, up the stairs and flinging open the front door.

"JESS! JESS, WHERE ARE YOU?! TELL ME YOU'RE STILL HERE! JESS!" I barge into my room and sure enough, there he is. standing, an arm out, hand posed on the spine of a book on my shelf. "Rory? why were you yelling? what's going on?" i come right up to him and hug him tight. "i found out what Luke said." "ah." he lets go of the book to stroke my hair.

i release the hug, to be able to look at him when i say this. "you were right." "when?" "back at the dorms at Yale. when you said we had to get away, somewhere new for the both of us. you were right and still are." "so what does this mean?" Jess's face is blank. he's keeping himself at bay. "it means i'm saying yes." "yes?" "yes!" i can't help but let a strangled laugh escape me, the excitement and suspense and anxiety all battling each other inside of me to come out as the dominant emotion.

" _yes, let's go._ let's find somewhere new. just us. away from Stars Hollow and away from New York." "really?" he finally breaks into a grin. "really, really." i repeat, pulling at his neck, tangling my arms around him, getting as close as we possibly can, kissing and kissing. he laughs against my mouth. "well, okay." "okay!" i shout. he laughs. "are you going to repeat _everything_ i say? just with more enthusiasm and volume?" "maybe!" i shout again and pash him some more.

"we've got to pack." he points out and i push him away even though i was the one clinging onto him and rush to my wardrobe, yanking the doors open. "you're right, oh my god, we have to pack!" i start tugging things viciously off hangers and draping them carelessly over my shoulder and arm, switching to my chest of drawers and wrapping my fingers around the knobs on every draw, pulling them out and throwing my eyes over the clothes. my mind is racing, my heart is like a jackhammer inside my chest and my skin is hot where his touch just was.

"Rory, i love you." he says, watching me, as he stands over his own duffel bag. "i love you more, Jess." i walk by him, kissing him quickly and dumping the pile of clothes on the bed. he laughs and starts to pack up the mattress on the floor, dragging it back to the cupboard in the hall while i search for where Mum stashed my suitcase. she always hides it somewhere different each time i come home after a business trip for work in some crazy and childish attempt to keep me from jetting off somewhere else again. it's just this funny and cute tradition we've sort of fallen into.

 **MEANWHILE BACK AT THE DINER…**

Lorelei leans against Luke, resting her head on his shoulder. "so, they finally figured it out, huh?" her voice is soft and gentle, a happy smile filling her face. "yeah, guess they did." he replies. "wait, figured what out?" Lorelei laughs and looks up at him. "Rory and Jess, as much as they both love it here…"

at the face Luke pulls, she corrects herself. "as much as _she_ loves it here, this was never the place for them. Stars Hollow may be beautiful, but a small town life isn't for everybody. and try as he might, Jess just never seemed to strive off the community atmosphere. in fact, he rebelled against it, all he could." "yeah..that's all true, but i still don't get what you're saying they figured out. they both already knew Jess couldn't stand it here."

Luke pauses and then readjusts the cap on his head. "well, i mean, it's not that he _couldn't stand it_ here. that makes it sound like he honestly loathed the place, which i don't think is true, or at least, i'd like to think he didn't see it that way… that badly.." Lorelei nods, knowing this is something that matters to Luke as he was the one who introduced Jess to Stars Hollow and vice versa, and as a result, has kind of always held himself responsible for the incompatibility of the two.

"i know, honey." Lorelei starts. "but what i just meant was.. everybody has a place, their place, and _here_ just isn't Jess and Rory's.. they'll find it. just wait, they will." Luke's face changes. "what? what's wrong?" Lorelei says, worried easily. "nothing. nothing's wrong. except..how are they going to make it starting out somewhere new?"

"what do you mean?" "well, i love him and i know he's really knuckled down in recent years and worked hard, but Jess really doesn't have that much stored away in terms of savings, y'know?"

Lorelei laughs. "oh, honey, i really don't think Rory is expecting him to put her up. she's not exactly one of those girls to depend on a guy for financial security or anything like that. i mean, she loves her work and does it because it's what she's passionate about it and all that, but she still gets paid too—" "no, no. i know Rory can take of herself, but i don't want her having to take care of him too." he kisses Lorelei's lips before yelling out to Caesar that he'll be right back.

"Luke, hey! where are you going?" Lorelei grabs her purse and rushes after him. "Luke!" "you're not honestly going to give them money, are you? because they wouldn't expect anything, Luke and i mean, they said so themselves, they're adults now. they have been for quite some time. and they're determined to make this work on their own."

"i know that, Lorelei. i was there too, y'know." he replies, walking with a determined look on his face. she studies his expression before looking back ahead, walking two steps for every one of his, in order to keep up with his wide strides.

"yeah, i know you were there too. so then why are you…" her voice trails off as she realises she doesn't know what exactly Luke's planning on doing right now. "moving costs a lot of money, Lorelei. and i know they might not take it.." "they definitely won't take it." Lorelei cuts in and Luke nods. "okay, they'll resist it but that doesn't matter, i still have to try." "why?!" "because." he spins around on her and they stop at the start of their street.

"because i want this to work." "oh, Luke." she puts a hand on his chest. "i want it to work too. and so do they, but we've got to take a step back and leave them to figure it out themselves. on their own. just the two of them." she reasons and Luke shakes his head. "no, you don't understand." "Luke, of course i understand. you want to help them, you love them both and you want to make things easier on them, but things aren't always going to come easy for them and it's better they learn that now, then further down the track when they both have more to loose."

"no, Lorelei. you don't get it." Luke starts walking again and Lorelei keeps quiet, upset that he's acting like they're not in this together, and as though they don't both want Rory and Jess to work out. "you didn't see Jess after Rory turned him down at Yale. you didn't see him after Rory kissed him at the book signing and then went back to that blonde dick—" "what blonde…you mean Logan?"

Lorelei smirks. "look, i know you were suss on that boy from the start, when you barged in on them at my parents' vow renewal and they were half undressed but Rory was old enough to make her own choice about him and it all turned out fine anyway. i mean, they weren't right for—" "and then there's our wedding." "what about our wedding?" "remember that weekend i drove up to New York to see Jess a little after our honeymoon?" Lorelei thinks. "uh..yeah, i think so..what about it?"

"well, you didn't come with me, remember?" "yeah, because i had to work. that was the time that Michele got the chicken pox and couldn't come in and we had that college acapella group staying at the Dragonfly.." Luke gives her a look as the house appears in before them. "sorry, i got off track. yes, i remember." Lorelei smiles. "Jess was a wreck." "a wreck..why?" "because of what happened with Rory." "wait, just stand still for a second." Lorelei grabs ahold of his arm and they stop before the steps to the deck. "what happened with Rory?" surprise fills Luke's face and it's rare that Luke lets himself look surprised.

"you don't know?" "Luke, what happened with Rory and Jess?" "how can you not know? it was at our wedding, Lorelei.. you were there! And even if you were busy, Rory tells you everything." "well, obviously not this." Lorelei squeezes his arm, desperate for him to focus. "what happened with Jess and Rory at our wedding?" "i don't have time for this. i'll tell you later." Luke snaps himself out of it and goes inside the house, Lorelei groaning before racing after him.

"Rory! Jess! you still here?!" Luke pokes his head in every room and bumps into Jess just as Lorelei's voice comes from behind them. "they've got to still be here. her car's parked outside." "Luke." Jess says as Lorelei walks in on them and stops. "where's Rory?" "in her room. she's just finishing up." Jess explains, pointing. "finishing up, what?" Lorelei narrows her eyes. "Packing." Jess, unable to meet her eyes as he does. not because he thinks what they're doing, by leaving, is wrong. but because he knows Lorelei mustn't like it. _not one bit_. and he's not wrong.

"RORY!" Lorelei leaves in search of her daughter. "come here to stop us, have you?" Jess says to Luke, moving around him, continuing with shoving the mattress in the cupboard. "here, it doesn't go that way. you've got to edge it in on an angle. let me help you." Luke nudges him aside, to show him how.

"Thanks," Jess says, uncertainty still backing his words. "we're not here to stop you from running away." Luke tells him finally, as they push the cupboard into clicking shut with their shoulders, leaning their body weight into it. "no?" "no. at least you're running away together, this time." Luke laughs and then abruptly stops, as though realising it's a cruel topic to make a joke of. "sorry." he mutters and Jess dips his head, not saying anything.

"we came back here looking for you guys because.." he clears his throat. "well, you see, the thing is.." he curses. "why is this so freaking hard?" he tilts his head back, looking to the ceiling. "why is _what_ so freaking hard?" Jess prods. "i'd like to give you some money." Luke finally blurts out and looks back to Jess who's dumbfounded. "you'd like to _what_?"

Luke laughs lightly under his breath again and knots his fingers together. "i'd like to give you and Rory some money. moving is expensive and starting a new life somewhere isn't cheap either. now, i know neither of you have decided on a place yet but.." "uh.." Jess swallows. "you're kidding, right?" Luke shakes his head, his face as sincere as he can make it. "no. i'm dead serious."

"wha…" Jess can't seem to form words. "look, i know you and Rory want to do this by yourselves, just the two of you jetting off somewhere. but i want you to be safe and to do this right, Jess. i know Rory's set with her career path, as a foreign correspondent she can find work anywhere on this earth. but you, on the other hand, it may prove of a challenge." "hey, i can write and edit books anywhere." he puts in, his tone defensive.

Luke holds up a hand, fishing out his wallet from his back pocket with the other. "i know you can, Jess. don't get offended now, i didn't mean anything by it." "what are you doing now? honestly, Uncle Luke, this is ridiculous. you don't have that much money yourself and you've got Lorelei now, you can't go around giving—" "Jess." Luke silences him and holds out his credit card. "Use savings." he instructs firmly, his voice leaving no room for argument. "are you sure about this..?" Jess eyes off the card as though this is all some elaborate prank or test about whether he's really good enough for Rory.

"i wouldn't be offering if i wasn't sure." Luke confirms. "and i don't expect you to just mooch off me forever either. i'm trusting you to get a job once you've landed on your feet, once she and you are settled in enough.." "and pay you back every last cent." Jess finishes. "well, no, that's not where i was going, i don't expect that. i just want to help you both with starting off. and then from there, you'll be on your own." "no." Jess shakes his head, meeting his Uncle's eyes, his voice sure of himself and much more levelled than Luke's ever heard it come out before. "i won't take this, Luke, unless it's a loan. and i'll pay interest. just me, not Rory. she can use the money too but i'll be the one paying it back, i have— _want_ to."

Luke stares him down. "well, alright. i can respect that." he holds out his other hand and Jess shakes it. "now take the damn card, would you?" Luke shoves it forward and Jess takes it, slipping it inside his own wallet. "thank you." "don't mention it." Luke and Jess slap hands and hug, patting one another's back the way guys do with each other.

"Mum..what are you doing here?" i say, looking up from my full suitcase to see her leaning against my door jam. "Need some help there, kiddo?" she laughs at me. i look down. i'm sitting on my suitcase, trying to cram it shut and am tugging so hard on the zip it's bound to break any second now. "maybe.." i say, looking back up to her. "that depends.." "on.." "on whether you've come to stop me—to stop _us_ , or not?" her face softens and she comes over to me, kneeling on the bed.

"oh, Rory," she tells me as she reaches out to twist a strain of my hair around her finger, like she's done ever since i was a little girl. "i'm not here to stop you and Jess." "you're not?" "definitely not." she shakes her head and i drop down from the suit case to hug her, us both kneeing on the bed now. me, with the wheel of my suitcase wedged painfully into my lower back. "i love you, Rory. and i only want you to be happy. if Jess is going to be the one to do that…" "he is, Mum. oh, i promise you, he is the one. he's already made me so happy these past 48 hours." Mum smiles. "well, then, i guess that's all there is to it, isn't there?"

we hug again. "now, go on, get." she bats me away, off the bed. "out off the way, so i can fix this mess you've made." she dabs at her eyes with a napkin with Luke's coffee cup logo on it which she draws from her pocket. "are you crying, Mama?" i ask, watching her pull the suit case toward her and open the lid, observing the damage. "no, of course not." she replies to me, dismissing the idea immediately.

i smile to myself before stepping forward and helping her refold some of my clothes and together, we tackle my suitcase into zipping firmly shut. "thank you." i say as she climbs off my bed to stand again. "anything for you. you know that, right?" she pulls me into her, kissing my hair. "i do now." i whisper into her shoulder, letting myself lean into my mother for a few moments, admitting to the reality that i will always need her.

even at twenty seven years old, one month away from turning another year older, even after graduating from Yale, even after jumping from continent to continent for work…the one thing that will always stay the same is my bond with my mum.

"everything alright in here?" Luke's voice booms across my room, bouncing off the walls which are still decorated with the Yale merchandise and the world map. Mum and i break apart as Jess says, "we didn't meant to interrupt." Mum shakes her head, again wiping underneath her eyes, careful not to smudge her mascara. "you're not." she replies, willing herself to smile. i go to lift my suitcase down but Jess is right beside me in a flash, taking over. "thanks." i say as he nods, like it's no big deal and just what's expected of him before taking it out to the car with his duffel.

now it's just Mum, Luke and me in the my childhood bedroom. "it makes me so happy that you guys are happy." i tell them as Mum gravitates back to him, like she always seems to do these days, leaning into his side as he brings his arm around her shoulders, kissing her head fondly. "i want you both to know that."

"we do." Luke replies, looking over Mum's head at me. "and it makes us happy to know that you're happy, Rory. or at least, on the road to being happy." i smile, walking up to them. "thanks, Luke. you know you'll always be more than just a second dad to me. you've been there practically my whole life, supporting me. you were at my graduation from Chilton, you moved my mattress into my dorm at Yale, back out again and then in once more." we all laugh at this memory. "and you've always been the one for my Mum." i look to Mum's calm face. "i guess what i'm trying to say is..you'll always be family to me." when Luke doesn't say anything, Mum takes her head off his chest, to look up at him. "Luke.." she smiles when she sees that he's crying, touching a hand to his cheeks to wipe the slow tears away.

"get in here." Mum grabs at me and pulls me into them, squeezing me in the middle, their arms coming around me from every side. i laugh, and so do they as we group hug, like a sandwich. "we love you, Rory." Mum tells me. "and i love you back." i say. after we separate, laughing, Jess reappears and holds out his hand to me. "Ready to go?" "i'm ready." i thread my fingers through his, not even looking back at my room one more time before following him into the kitchen and out of the house.

Luke and Mum walk us out, waving from the deck when we drive away. i fling Jess the keys this time and he only just catches them, having not been expecting it. he looks to me, questioning. "i trust you." is all i say, before standing by the passenger door and motioning for him to unlock it. he does and i dip my head, climbing inside.

he pauses outside the driver's side, his hand on the door, thinking it over as though he's afraid somehow. not afraid of driving me anywhere safely, since he's right, he did that after the wedding. but rather, afraid of having my trust back, after all that's happened and all the hurt we've both felt at the mercy of the other.

then he's inside, clipping his seatbelt and starting the engine, barely breathing. i hang most of my upper body outside the window as he reverses us out of the driveway, waving at Mum and Luke, not wanting to look away until i can't see them anymore. after Jess turns off our street, i slip back inside easily and buckle up myself. then i position myself as close to him as i can get, what with the gearstick and everything between us — and put a hand on his knee. "so where to?" i ask, grinning, mischief dancing its way behind my eyes. he laughs, leaving one hand on the top of the steering wheel and dropping the other to cover mine.

 **ONE WEEK LATER**

Jess and i are packing his things into boxes, kneeling on the floor in his room. we've spent the last week in New York at the place he shares with Sebastian. they made up from their fight the minute we walked through the door. not saying anything and just slapping hands and half hugging, like boys do.

Jess took me out for dinner somewhere different every night this week, sharing with me his favourite tucked away spots of the city and walking me through Central Park and through the streets. we stopped at the most amazing bookstores, which were hidden away in alleyways or upstairs, above shoe shops. i never would've found them on my own.

it's been a fun, carefree week and we've laughed a lot and shared a lot. but we did take Mum and Luke's advice eventually, and got serious about two nights ago, when he took me up to his rooftop. Asking me what might've happened if my hotel had had a rooftop, he traced circles on my hand, pulling me up the stairwell.

i laughed until i couldn't breathe and he just smirked, not smugly. "you think things would've turned out differently if we rushed into this?" i ask as we stop before the edge, looking out at horizon of the city as dusk falls. "no. do you?" i simply shake my head.

anyway, we'd sat down on this old couch that gets left up there on the roof and talked things over. we lost track of time and ended up spending the whole night out there. a little before the sun came back up, Jess said a single word, the name of a city. " _London_."

and as pictures of me in wooly scarfs, my favourite old trench coat and brown heeled boots with his hand in mine and a takeaway cup of warm coffee in the other, of us jumping in puddles and walking down streets with grey clouds rumbling overhead, of waking up wrapped in warm sheets with him every morning, of taking him to cafes with fireplaces and cosy booths for lunch as it poured rain and snow outside, watching him scribble in some notebook, chewing on the end of his trusty pen until inspiration inevitably took over…

…as pictures of me rushing to the bathroom in the building of Huffington Post, kneeling by the toilet and throwing up from morning sickness, of my water breaking in a meeting with one of the Daily Telegraph's columnists, of Jess holding up our baby girl above his head as she kicked her little legs and giggled, cheeks popping with dimples just like his, of him telling me she has my eyes, of Mum and Luke flying over to London for her first birthday and staying home with the baby while Jess and i go out on date night, of Jess telling me not to bother them and to not be one of those parents who texts every five minutes for updates on whether the baby's made any noises in her sleep — when really he's badgering Luke with exactly those kind of texts under the table, himself — of us laughing about the fact that we hate leaving our baby girl and we're actually completely okay with being those kind of parents before heading back home to check on her ourselves…

as pictures of all those moments and memories that we'll share in our future fly through my mind, with my head resting on Jess's chest, i say one single simple word back. " _Yes_."

now at the airport, as i'm waiting for Jess, i hear _his_ voice before i see him and i know it's him even from behind. i walk up to him and tap his shoulder. he turns, a phone pressed to the side of his face. "i'll have to call you back." he tells them, hanging up. "Rory!" Logan hugs me, without warning. i don't hug him back, so it doesn't last long.

"what are you doing here?" he asks, as though it's the most implausible thing in the world for me to be at an airport. i laugh. "i could ask you the same thing." he laughs too. "i'm actually about to go to London." i answer first. his eyes widen. "no way!" he exclaims. "yeah, i know, pretty crazy, right." "yeah, yeah. how long are you going for?"

"actually, we're moving there." i say, fiddling with my necklace. "who's we?" Logan asks, looking around us. "he's just checking our bags in." i explain. "um, _we_ is Jess and I." "Jess..Jess.." Logan racks his brain and something must click because his expression changes. "Jess as in the guy from Philly, the guy who wrote the short novel?" "yeah. that's him." i say, swallowing. "wow, Rory, i didn't realise you guys…got back together." it's as though the words are physically painful for him to even say.

"yeah, it's still kind of new, actually. it didn't happen straight after…well, after _us_ or anything." i clarify as Logan nods slowly, processing. "well, as long as you're happy, i'm glad for you." he touches my arm lightly. "thank you." i say. "and how about you? what's new with you? still living in the U.K?" i ask. he shakes his head. "no, no, i ended up riding that job out in California, y'know the one that i was offered around the time of your graduation from Yale?" i face palm myself, feeling embarrassed. "oh my god, yes, i remember now. sorry, i don't know how i could've forgotten that."

Logan laughs. "it's okay, Rory, i didn't expect you to remember every detail of my life." "well, anyways, how's California?" "it's good, we left there about two years ago but i assume it's still good." he laughs. "oh, _we_?" i tuck a loose strain of hair behind my ear that's come loose from my braid as Jess comes over to us, his face emotionless as he recognises Logan. or at least, i think he recognises him. it's hard to tell when he does this.

"look who it, the big hotshot novelist, himself." Logan holds a hand out to Jess. i hold my breath, only exhaling when Jess finally shakes it. i slide an arm around his waist after he steps back from Logan, reminding him that i'm with him now, that i'm _his_ and he's mine. "well, if it isn't the blonde dick from Yale." Jess fires back as i pinch his hip, mouthing _cut it out_ when he looks at me, forging innocence. Logan isn't bothered by this though.

"anyway, you were saying.." i try to steer our conversation back to where we were before Jess returns. "oh, um, just that i met someone out in Cali and we're actually married now." "really? wow, that's brilliant, Logan! you must be really happy." i smile at him, feeling genuinely proud of him. he smiles and nods, sticking his hands in the pockets of his suit pants.

"Thanks, yeah we are. Actually, i might have a picture." he brings up a selfie of him with his wife. "aw, she's beautiful." i remark. "and you look happy. what's her name?" i ask. "Julia." he replies, taking his phone back and then his grin grows. "oh and there's something else.." "oh?" i say as Jess puts his arm around my shoulders, mine still hanging off his hips. "yeah.." Logan suddenly looks nervous and then locks his phone, passing it back to me. Confused, i press the home button, assuming it's his lock screen he wants me to look at.

a baby boy is grinning a toothless gum filled smile right at the camera, sitting with his legs half crossed and a chubby baby hand pinching at his own toes. "oh my god." i whisper, looking from the phone to Logan and then back again. "he's _yours_." i know it without even asking, not just because it's common sense that the baby on Logan's lock screen be his own child but because this kid has Logan's exact nose and cheeky smile. "eighteen months old." Logan reveals, adding; "we called him Andrew but Andy for short." "cute." Jess chimes in and Logan clips a nod, as i hold out his phone and he slips it back inside his suit jacket.

"well, i hate to run off like this, but i'm actually running late for a connect flight. Julia's with Andy and Honour, my—" "Sister. I remember." i cut in, looking to the floor. "yeah. and Honour's husband..you remember her wedding to Josh, don't you?"

 _how could i forget_ …that was when i found out that during the time we'd agreed to take apart to cool off after a fight, Logan had slept with more than half of Honour's bridesmaids. "Yeah. kinda." is what i actually say. Logan nods and then looks to Jess. "You take care of this one, yeah? She's one of the good ones." Jess's jaw tightens but he manages to nod. "good." Logan slaps Jess's arm, in a friendly sort of way before looking back at me.

I get the sense that if my arm wasn't around Jess, he'd hug me again. "was good running into you, ace. all the best, okay?" "of course. you too." i say. "and by the looks of things, you got just the life you've always wanted." i add, remembering the baby. Logan smiles and then he's moving past us and walking away. i watch him until he disappears and then face Jess, removing my arm from around him. "hey, i gotta tell you something." i say and Jess's eyebrows shoot up, curious.

"what is it, Rory?" "i'm so happy to have you in my life." i say and kiss him deeply. "and on top of that, _i'm so crazy in love with you._ " he smiles against my mouth. "i love you too." he says before retuning the kiss.


	11. Chapter 11

**CHAPTER ELEVEN / JESS / SEVEN YEARS LATER**

 **[YES, AGAIN(: WHAT CAN I SAY I LIKE FUTURE JUMPS AHA]**

 _oh & just a quick author's note; two things. __**one**_ _; thank you so much if you're still reading, for staying with me as long as you have! it makes me so happy think of fellow gilmore fans reading and hopefully, fangirling over my writing(: and_ _ **two**_ _; rory and jess' daughter's nickname is pronounced 'del-a, i got the idea for the name from_ the age of adeline _,_ _which is a movie staring blake lively and harrison ford — i highly recommend it if you haven't seen it yet. so if you're wondering how to pronounce their daughter's name, just give that film a watch(: okay ily gilmore fans!_

The day was a Tuesday and it had snowed overnight. our daughter comes running into our room, leaping up onto the bed at around the same time the sun comes up. how Rory and i had birthed an early riser, i have no idea, considering we've both always been people who sleep in late.

and are happy to spend Saturday night binge watching movies until 3/ maybe 4am and sleeping it off Sunday, getting up around noon to spend the whole day about the house in pyjamas and old sweaters — one of us reading, curled up on the couch together while the other writes, or vice versa. it's safe to say, those kind of weekends went out the window when Adeline was born. but i wouldn't trade our girl for the world. she's made us happier than we ever thought possible. she's made us a family — i've found the family i always needed in Rory and our daughter.

"MAMA, DADDY!" She falls down into our duvet and i laugh, pushing myself into sitting up and reaching out to scoop her away from getting lost in our blankets. "good morning, dela. how did you sleep?" " _i slept good, daddy. how did you sleep_?" she looks at me with child-like interest layering her face as she pokes at my cheek and giggles.

i smile. "pretty good, princess." "it's snowing!" she blurts, suddenly remembering and clambering out of my lap to run her little legs over to the curtains, pulling them back.

they're heavy drapes since we have floor to ceiling windows, so i push back the blankets, standing to help her. "oh, well would you look at that, i guess it is." i remark in an excited voice, trying to match her tone and peering at the view outside the glass.

she presses both her baby palms outstretched on the window and leans against her, squishing her nose into it, her eyes wide and almost going cross eyed. "LOOK AT IT, DADDY! IT'S SO WHITE AND FLUFFY! I WUV SNOW!" I laugh, kneeling down and pull her gently back from the window.

"don't do that, dela, the glass is so cold." i rub her little hands between my own, trying to warm them. she giggles as i blow on them and then rushes back over to the bed where Rory moans softly. i stand and help dela climb back up, only for her to collapse on Rory's back. Rory groans this time. "whoops, sorry, Mama."

dela does this adorable little face where she gaps and then covers her mouth with her hand as though something absolutely shocking has just happened. i laugh and lean back against the pillows i've propped up, reaching out to stroke Rory's hair that's covering her pillow and which has grown well past the middle of her back now.

she keeps saying she's going to get it cut but it hasn't happened yet and i don't think it actually is going to. since she's always saying how it keeps her warm and that she's gotten used to hiding behind it and would feel naked if she went back to it being short.

Rory rolls over, causing Dela to fall into me since she was trying to sit on top of Rory. i sit her up in my lap again and ask if she's brushed her hair yet. "no, here you can do it for me, Daddy." she replies, standing up to reach for the brush which was left on our bedside table from last night when Rory combed Dela's wet hair after her bath in our room since Dela wanted story time in our bed.

"oh, how very kind of you." i say as she passes me the brush all importantly, as though my brushing her hair is an honour she's granted me. she nods, and drops back down into my lap. i draw her hair back from around her shoulders and start brushing. Rory rolls over to face us, rubbing at her eyes. she blinks.

"morning, you two." she mumbles and Dela looks down at Rory from where she sits on my knees. "hello, mama." "hello, sweet girl." Rory props herself up on her elbows for Dela to lean forward and hug her, bringing her little arms around Rory's neck. "kiss?" Rory asks and Dela obliges, pecking her mama's cheek.

"alright, Daddy. you can go back to brushing my hair now." she announces as Rory laughs. " _hear that, Daddy_? you've got your orders from her majesty." Rory jokes as i laugh. "don't i get to say good morning to your mama?" i ask Dela. she thinks about it for a moment, twisting her body around so she can look at me while she considers.

i laugh and tickle her. Delia erupts into giggles, toppling over into the bed again. "good morning, beautiful." i say to Rory, leaning down to peck her lips. she puts a hand on my neck, pulling me back down when i start to pull back again. she kisses me more deeply. "hello, husband."

even though we're not technically married, Rory's been calling me her husband for years now. i think it started shortly after Dela turned two..though i can't remember the first time. and if things go to plan, it's going to be for real soon and i'm going to be able to call her _my wife_ back.

i smirk as we go to kiss again but Dela suddenly sits up, shoving us apart and throwing herself excitedly on top of Rory again. "MAMA MAMA, GUESS WHAT?!" Rory laughs, shooting me a sympathetic look as i admit defeat and lean back into my pillows, sighing but still smiling. you learn to sneak pashes in the small nameless moment when your child's busy playing or drawing, after you become a parent.

"what is it, dela?" Rory matches her excitement easily, despite being fast asleep only seconds earlier. she amazes me, this girl. she's taken being a mother completely and entirely in her stride. she still works five days a week and is one of the two official editors for The Daily Telegraph. how crazy is that? my soon-to-be wife, _the editor of one of the biggest globally recognised British papers_. she also writes the occasional front page, y'know no biggie or anything.

we spent our first two years in London, constantly travelling across Europe, wherever and whenever her work demanded us to. and it was incredible. those first two years were among the most exciting and adventurous either of us have ever experienced.

we explored castle ruins in Scotland and she wrote and reported in Ireland. we spent time in France, in Spain, Italy, you name it and i guarantee, Rory's work took us there. this was when she was still working for the Huffington Post.

i remember we had been back in London for about two days when she come home from work with a paper bag, telling me she'd stopped by the chemist on her way home. _"okay," i remember saying. "is something wrong? do you not feel good?" "no and yes." she replied before pushing past me to puke in the sink. "sorry, baby, i didn't mean it." she whimpered, realising she'd hit me into the fridge with more force than she'd intended._

 _she gave me only one clue, but that had been enough. "baby?" i repeated, reaching out for the paper bag. she passed it over and i pulled out the box inside. sure enough, i found myself staring at a box of pregnancy tests._ we stopped travelling then, after only one more trip; back to Stars Hollow to break the news to Lorelei and Luke in person. they were overjoyed. in fact, overjoyed doesn't do their reaction justice. they were overjoyed, ecstatic and elated all rolled into one and times a thousand.

she landed the job at the Daily Telegraph shortly after Dela was born, and since i'd been mainly working from home anyway, we agreed it made more sense for me to be the full time parent. we both weren't willing to put her in day care. we wanted to be hands-on parents, dedicated and in this 100%, because otherwise what's even the point of having kids if you're not around to raise them.

"SNOW!" Dela's voice brings me back to the present day. "oh my." Rory smiles wide and lets Dela drag her out of bed and across the room to peer out at the white coated streets below. "why don't you go and put your boots and coat on, Dela, and let Mama have a warm shower? then we'll go down to play in the snow, okay?" "OKAY!" Dela practically jumps up and down on the spot with complete ecstasy before racing back across the hallway to her room.

Rory laughs and comes back up onto the bed with me, sitting on her knees. "hi." she says. "hi." i grin as we go back to kissing. "i should shower." she mumbles eventually, pointing out that Dela never has a lot of patience when snow is involved. "okay. i'll get dressed too." i reply, as she pushes herself off the bed and goes to our walk-in wardrobe to choose some clothes.

since it doesn't take me even five minutes to get dressed, i go to fetch Dela from her room and find her wrestling her yellow rain coat off it's hanger in her little mini wardrobe. "Daddy, can you help me, it won't—" she tugs harder and i nod, leaning down to help. "c'mon, dela, let's go make some breakfast." i say, carrying her coat for her and taking her little hand in mine, leading her from her room. "you can put this on after we eat."

"okay." she grabs a toy off her carpeted floor and comes with me easily. _we got lucky with this kid,_ Rory and i have told each other on multiple occasions. she is one of the most well-behaved, tantrum-free, fun-loving, easy-going, sweet-natured kids on the planet. i attribute all of this to Rory, of course, though she insists it's credit of me since i'm the one who spends the most time with Dela when she's at the office.

after Rory's ready, she comes into the kitchen and kisses Dela's forehead, who sits in her booster chair at the table, eating some chopped fruit and yogurt that i made in two seconds flat for her but which she loves. "now, dela, d'you think maybe you should get dressed?" Rory looks at Dela's flawless combo of pyjamas with gumboots. i grin as Rory taps her chin, letting Dela making the decision.

"well…okay." Dela surrenders and Rory claps her hands. "good choice, baby girl." she walks over to Dela's chair to help her down. "carry me, Mama!" Dela holds her arms out, reaching for Rory. "alright." Rory laughs and heaves her onto her hip, taking her off to get dressed. i make some toast and eat it, bringing in a piece to Rory about ten minutes later. "thanks, 'hon." Rory bites into it straight out of my hand and finishes pulling up Dela's pants. "hey! what do you say?" i call after Dela as she races out of the room, shouting "TIME FOR SNOW! NOW, SNOW!"

"THANK YOU MAMA!" She replies as i shake my head, smiling. "she sure is something." "sure is." Rory agrees, hugging me. "thanks for the toast, by the way." "you're welcome." i say. "i got my coat igotmycoat!" Dela reappears, tugging at our legs. "Mama, here 'ya." she presents her coat and Rory lets go of me to hold the coat's sleeves out for Dela to slip her little arms into.

"yay! now we're all ready, all three of us!" Dela makes three fingers, carefully folding back her pinkie with her thumb and looking proud as she holds this up to us. "smart girl." Rory strokes our daughter's hair back from her face. "LET'S GOO!" Dela takes one of our hands in each of hers and yanks us back out into the hall.

"hang on just a second, princess. you and mama go ahead and i'll meet you down there, okay?" i say, pulling my hand free as gently as i can and backing away. Rory frowns. "what are you—" "okay, daddy! mama, come onnn!" Dela starts towards the door but Rory stays still.

"i'll be right there, 'promise!" i call, turning around and disappearing into our room. "we'll wait by the door!" Rory calls. "okay!" i rush to our walk-in and pull open the first of the chest of drawers, rummaging around in my sock drawer. "ah! bingo!" i mutter under my breath, slipping a velvet ring box into my coat's deep pocket.

i bolt to the door where Dela is trying desperately to reach the handle and pull it open for her, taking Rory's hand in mine. "snow, here we come!" i announce as Dela claps and squeals, starting down the stairs which are right outside our front door since we live above a coffee house. pretty relevant, huh? it's safe to say, Lorelei _loves_ coming to visit.

"hold onto the railing, dela!" Rory warns and dela listens, quickly gripping the railing, going slower down the stairs, as if only just now realising she could fall and hurt herself. i lock the door behind us and follow my family downstairs, dropping the keys into my other pocket. Rory unlocks and pushes the door open once we reach the bottom of the stairs and tells Dela to wait before dashing across the road.

"SNOWWW!" she squeals, kicking up at the sidewalk and spinning around. Rory smiles as we watch our little girl. i hold out my free hand and dela takes it. "now, Adeline, what do we do when we cross the road?" Rory asks, as we pause at the curb. "look both ways and wait." Adeline recites, looking up at Rory eagerly. "yes, that's right." "good girl!" i praise as we all look left, and then right and pause, before crossing.

we walk down the street to Dela's favourite park and swing her back and forth, each holding onto one of her hands and lifting her up and then back down again, a bunch of times. she loves it and keeps asking for it again and again. Rory pulls out her phone and films a quick video for Lorelei of us as we walk.

"hey, Mum. we just wanted to say hello. it snowed here last night so we're taking Dela to the park to play in the snow. she loves it so much, Mum, just like you. it reminds me of all those times you'd pull me out of bed first thing when it snowed." Rory smiles at the memories. "say hi to nana, Dela!" she tilts the camera down to our daughter who grins at the phone. "hii nana! hi grandpa Luke!"

Rory laughs and films us again. i wave and smile. "hey Uncle Luke, hey Lorelei." "we can't wait to see you guys when you come visit for Dela's sixth birthday next week!" Rory waves, shutting off the camera and sending the video through, before slipping her iPhone back into her pocket.

once we get there, we let her run off and play, keeping our eyes on her while she climbs the playground equipment, carefully avoiding the ice patches. she comes back only minutes later, bored since the slide is too wet to go down and that's her favourite thing at the park. "let's make snow mans!" she jumps up and down on the spot and i laugh. "sure thing, dela."

so together, Rory and i built a snow man with dela. i buy a carrot from the shop across the road and lift dela up to shove it in his face for his nose. as she searches the ground for twigs for the arms with Rory, i take a deep breath. fishing the velvet box out of my pocket, i kneel down in the snow, getting my jeans wet but not caring. when Rory turns back around to face me and the snowman, i'm ready.

Rory gasps and cups both hands over her mouth in surprise. "Daddy, we found his arms!" our daughter comes over, darting around Rory's legs and presenting two sticks to me. "they look perfect, Dela. why don't you put them on him?" i suggest and she nods happily and does just that. while she's concentrating, i look back up to Rory.

"i've been waiting for just the right moment..have had the ring stashed at home for weeks, taking it out with us wherever we go, just in case." i pause, as she draws her hands away from her face, and notice she has tears pooling in her eyes, overwhelmed by emotion.

"but then i realised something, maybe there never is such a thing as the _right moment_ , or the perfect time to propose. maybe, life is full of mismatch moments, of happy times and not so happy, of simple lazy Sunday mornings and of surprising you in bed with coffee from the place downstairs on Mondays because i know you'll wake up hesitant to leave Adeline and me." she smiles at this and i go on.

"and maybe that's what makes life so great and so fleeting..is the beauty in the nameless minutes we spend side by side, talking or planning dinner or watching a show with dela or when you read an article you've written out to me from the kitchen table while i fold the washing on the couch and dela plays with her dolls on the rug. because those times, days like today Rory, they are equally as special to me. they mean just as much as the planned ones, as the birthday and christmas and easter occasions."

"so i'm proposing to you, here, _now_ , in this park down the road from our home. in the snow, because it's our daughter's favourite thing, and when you have to go to work in less than half an hour. because i love you now and i loved you yesterday, i'll love you tomorrow and the next day after that and then every single one which follows.." i open the box and Rory's eyes don't even flicker down to the ring — they stay glued right on mine.

"i know we did it all backwards, we dated in high school and then i ran away from us and then we fought and then i told you i loved you when we weren't even together and then we fought some more.." she laughs, starting to cry happy tears and i smile. "but we got here eventually and moving to London, starting anew with you..has got to be the best decision of my life. you've given me the most amazing last seven years." i say as our daughter dances around the snowman, talking to him.

Rory looks over to her and then back to me, unable to stop smiling. "and you've given me the greatest gift in the world, Rory…in our beautiful daughter. she has the second kindest heart and truest soul i have ever known, with her mother having the first."

Rory takes a step closer to me, her hands twitching at her sides. she wants that ring on her finger, i know she does and it makes me say the next part really quickly because i want it on her finger too, so badly.

"and i know we've been parents together for almost six whole years now and that we're still saving to buy our flat above the barista house, but i wouldn't change a single thing about our life, about how things have unfolded. who cares if we didn't get married first? who cares if we have to dip into our house savings to plan our wedding? we can elope, for all i care! i just want to marry you, Rory. i want to be your husband."

"you _are_ my husband, Jess. a ring and our names signed on the dotted line doesn't change that. to me, you've been my husband ever since the day our daughter was born, ever since we brought her home to our place, to the home we've made together. you are my husband already." she reaches down to pull me up into standing.

"will you marry me, Rory?" "YES! of course, i will. i love you more than anything else in this world. yes!" she kisses me and i wrap my arms around her, still holding the ring box and then remembering. "except maybe our daughter." she adds as i take the ring from the box.

i frown, confused until i realise she's talking about how she loves dela and i equally and then i smile. "of course. that goes without saying." i tell her, slipping the ring on her finger. she holds her hand up, admiring the ring. "do you like it?" i ask.

"are you kidding me? i LOVE it, Jess. it's the most beautiful, breathtaking ring i've ever seen in my entire life." i laugh as she doesn't tear her eyes away from the rock. "which do you love more? me or the ring?" i joke and she gives me a look, throwing her arm around my neck, bringing me against her again.

"ooh, that's a tough one. i'd have to say the ring." she says before i scoff, faking offence and we laugh into another kiss. "MAMA, DADDY!" Adeline exclaims. "look at my snowman!" "it's an extremely rad snowman, dela." i tell her, as Rory and i move closer to the snowman.

totally oblivious to the fact that Rory and i — that her _parents_ are now engaged, Adeline asks her Mama to take a photo of her with the snowman. Rory takes out her phone and snaps some photos and then asks a mother pushing a stroller past to take a photo of all three of us — four including the snowman.

"thank you." Rory tells her as the women nods and then walks off. "aw, don't we make a cute picture?" she coos, passing me the phone. she leans down to play with Adeline as i text it through to my own phone. "can you send it to Lane too?" Rory asks.

"sure, what should i say with it?" i bring up Rory's conversation with Lane. "tell her that we miss her and Zack and the boys. oh and ask if she's free to FaceTime tomorrow since i have some really big news." i smile as i type out the text and then read it back to Rory before hitting send. i slip her phone back inside her pocket for her.

"what's the time?" she asks, biting her bottom lip. "we've still got a little while." i tell her, hugging her from behind. she tilts her head back on my chest, leaning back into me. "i don't think i've ever felt as happy as i do right now." she tells me as Adeline starts making a snowball to throw at us.

after the snow fight, we walk home together with just enough time for Rory to gather her papers and put on some makeup. just like that morning in the _Surrey_ Hotel in New York, i still tell her everyday that she doesn't need the makeup and she still laughs it off and kisses me before putting it on anyway.

as she kneels down to hug our daughter goodbye, her phone buzzes and she checks it out, bringing up her texts. "OH MY GOD!" She squeals, kissing Dela's cheek and hugging her close before standing up and rushing over to me, her heels clicking on the floorboards. i'm standing behind our bench top, spreading butter on our daughter's sandwich, packing her lunch for school.

"what is it?" i ask as she shoves the phone under my nose. i laugh and pull it back a bit so i can actually read it. "it's a message from Lane. she told me she's happy to FaceTime anytime tomorrow and that…" Rory's voice trails off as my eyes skim the text. "is the big news that you and Jess are engaged?!" i finish for her. i look from the phone to Rory. "how does she know?!" Now i understand Rory's freak out. "i don't know! see, that's what i was squealing about!" she studies the message again just as the phone buzzes once more.

" _ohhhh_." Rory clicks into the picture of us that i sent Lane earlier because she asked me to and double taps on her hand resting on Adeline's shoulder. "look! you can see my ring right there in the photo!" she shows me. "ohhh." i say myself this time and we both start laughing.

"i'm going to ring her on the tube, on the way to work and make sure she doesn't tell Mum since i want to see her reaction with Luke in person." "okay." i say, kissing her cheek as she starts towards the door. "love you, Marianos." she calls to us. "love you too, Mama!" Adeline's voice comes from her room as i laugh, opening the fridge, to get a juice box to add to her lunch box. "love you too, soon-to-be Mrs Mariano." i call. to that, Rory squeals once more and then leaves for work.

THE END


End file.
